A few things we'd LOVE to tell you.

It’s been a hell of a week hasn’t it? I’m exhausted just thinking about everything I’ve had to deal with and I’ve no doubt that I am not alone. I’m left wondering if life ever just skips along without this constant battle to survive and be understood? 

Make no mistake I have chosen to be who I am and so cannot claim to be a victim although some days I wonder. 

For women some things seem to be a little more difficult. This week #TED2016 is on in Vancouver and TEDxJohannesburg streamed it live for us to watch. One of the speakers Reshma Saujani was the founder of Girls who Code. Her talk was all about how if we want women to be part of the new economy we not only need to teach them to code, we have to also teach them to be brave, for women to take risks and to ultimately speak up. 

Women don’t speak up for a number of reasons but mostly it’s because we don’t want to be judged or disliked. This unfortunate trait permeates through almost every aspect of our lives, from the bedroom to the boardroom. 

So in the spirit of bravery I am going to tell you a couple of things about sex that many women would love you to know but are too polite or afraid to say.

You think that banging away for hours is sexy and everything we’ve ever wanted in a man, it’s not. Too little or too much are equally disappointing. Premature ejaculation leaves us frustrated and marathon sessions leave us sore. Keeping your orgasm for after hers is a wonderful thing but then be polite and have your orgasm as well. 

Make no mistake there is a time and a place for marathon sex but is probably not mid week or after a day like I just had. Come to terms with the truth, once we’ve had an orgasm your continued pounding becomes painful and boring. You may think you’re a porn star worth filming – but you’re not. 

Marathon sex needs buckets of lubricant and the one thing we are all hoping for more of – time!

She is probably giving you subtle signs that she would like you to finish, after all we are not all brave enough to say ‘If you don’t come now I’m going to get really irritated’.

We know when you trying to sneak your penis into an orifice other than our vagina. I don’t know how stupid you think we are? It never just happens ‘by accident’ but we keep quiet and humour you because we are too afraid to shame you, so we shame ourselves instead. If it’s something you want to do – talk about it first and explore the options together. Much more fun for both of us. 

Contrary to popular belief the best sex moves are not learned from Porn and we know when you’ve been watching it and want to try something new. We know that this is where you get most of your tricks and mostly they are overrated and don’t work. 

And just so you know, many of us know exactly what give us pleasure we just don’t know how to tell you. We’re afraid we might dent your ego but more than that we are terrified you are going to judge us and then call us that glorious word – slut! 

Unless we invite you, don’t send us a picture of your penis. It’s just wrong and so disrespectful. You may think it’s the most magnificent thing you’ve ever seen, for us – not so much! 

Our bodies get extremely sensitive when aroused so rather be gentle than rough, unless you are invited to be otherwise. Pick up on the body language, how hard is she kissing you back? 

I have a friend who says ‘If you have to tell him how to pull your hair, good feeling gone!’ 

We want you to be confident and to take charge, we just always know how to let you. We do want it on our own terms. It is confusing I know but learn how to read the signs, we are far more transparent than you think. 

There are those of us who are lucky can pop out orgasms on demand and then there are some of us who have to work really hard to get there and sometimes it’s just too much effort. That does not mean that we are not experiencing pleasure or intimacy. We do enjoy the journey and often don’t need to get to the destination. 

It does not mean that your technique sucks or that we don’t want you. It just means right now, hunting down that orgasm, through the forest, over the river and up the hill is just too much to contemplate. So let it go. 

Women are complicated I know, our moods and desires shift like the sand in the Sahara, but we’re worth it but ultimately it’s up to both of you to speak up. 

Ask for what you want and communicate about the hard stuff. Talk about what you like and what you don’t because it will save you years of terrible and unsatisfactory sex because after a week like I’ve had life is far too short. 

Don’t forget you can let me know what you think or let me know what you want to hear about Sharon@lolamontez.co.za.