Like a Virgin

Losing your Virginity – How do you know you’re ready?

I lost my virginity in my second year at university - to a boy I’d been dating since school. It was sweet and passionate. It was well thought out and planned for. And if I had one wish it would be that everyone has such a great experience on their first time.

Children are losing their virginity younger and younger and I often wonder why that is. Is it television? magazines, sex shops? 

Having sex is so much more than the physical and whilst little bodies might be maturing earlier – emotions, psychological development and understanding lag behind.

I have had several discussions with young ladies about their first time and every single one of them said that they had sex because he wanted to and she wanted to know what it felt like.

When I asked what it had felt like the consensus was that it was all a bit sloppy and when he was done it was – well what now?

Sex has become a commodity, traded for airtime, lifts to school, because he took you to movies, because you think you love him, because he wants you to prove you love him – but never really because you want to.

That is just so sad!

So if you are thinking of having sex for the first time, I hope you are doing it for the right reasons – the major one because you want to, because he is worth it and because you are ready.

I hope you know the difference between love and lust –Your body feels things because its biology – it’s meant to!

That warm throbbing feeling between your legs – Biology. He has NOTHING to do with making you feel that way. And this is where I get controversial and generally piss your parents off.

If you know your body, you’ve explored it, loved it, felt it and masturbated you would know just how glorious your body and its biology is.

So when you go to movies and he puts his hand in your lap and it feels wonderful – you will know it is not him – it’s your body – lust not love. And then ask yourself is this the boy I want for the first time? Because there is only one first time.

But now you’ve decided you are going to have sex what do you have to do?

Here are our top tips for losing your virginity.

1                     Safety First. There's no such thing as totally safe sex, but you sure can be safer. Make sure he's wearing a condom (even if you're on the Pill). It may be your first time but it probably isn’t his! Heterosexual women have a higher risk of contracting an STD (sexually transmitted disease) than men. Catching HIV is easier than you can imagine so don’t take the chance EVER.

2                    Enjoy foreplay. All the stuff that leads up to the big moment — kissing, touching, oral sex — is part of the sexual experience; it's not just about penetration.

3                    Discuss your concerns with your partner. Having sex with someone you trust can make your first time a lot less nerve-wracking. Your partner should be considerate of your feelings, focused on making sure you have a good experience, and willing to help you through the process. If your potential partner pressures you too much, or if he or she doesn't seem very concerned about how having sex might affect you, maybe it's best to reconsider.

4                    Breaching your hymen isn’t or shouldn't be painful. Actually, if you do experience pain during your first time, it's probably because you're not used to the feeling of penetration and you're clenching up your muscles or you are not lubricated enough— not because your hymen has nerve endings and chances are it was breached by riding your bike, gym, dancing or horse riding.

5                    If you do bleed, it shouldn't be very much. Any bleeding you experience after losing your virginity should not be on the same level as having a period. Instead, it should only be light spotting for a few hours after. Some girls won't bleed at all.

6                    Make sure you're amply aroused before intercourse (see the foreplay tip above). You want to be turned on, you want to be sufficiently lubricated. If you're too dry, he'll have trouble entering you, you'll feel discomfort, and the friction can cause the condom to rip. So, keep water–based lube on hand just in case.

7                    Don't have high expectations. Sex generally improves as you get to know someone and become more comfortable with each other's bodies.

8                   Speak up. Let him know what feels good, and what doesn't. If it’s his first time you may not have the time to tell him what feels good – but it will get better.

9                    Don't assume he's the expert. He may be getting a lot of his information about sex from porn and big talk with his mates. And, even if he is experienced he probably still knows nothing!

10                Don't fake it. If you do, you'll only be cheating yourself. Letting him know you came close and want to get there with him will keep him motivated.

11                 His penis may malfunction. Guys get anxious too. Premature ejaculation and erectile difficulty are common the first time a man has sex for the first time. If he has a problem, don't make a big deal out of it or worry that there's something wrong with you or your connection. It’s NOT your fault – no matter who he tries to blame and if he blames you – kick him into touch. More than likely, it will work itself out.

12                If you feel like tonight is not yet "the night", don't be ashamed to postpone it. A caring partner will value how you feel above anything else and will not try to rush you into something you are not ready for. If you change your mind, it is okay to say so!

Don't give in to pressure from your partner. It's your decision, not anyone else's. The better your first time experience the better your sex life will be in the future – so take care. And remember there is no rush.