Mother to Lover - Sex after Pregnancy!

My biological son is now almost 21 and I remember my pregnancy and his birth very clearly. I also remember how difficult it was for me to make the transition back to lover when all I could do was see myself as mother. 

Childbirth was a bit of a shock and although I have an older sister with four children, we had never discussed childbirth and would never have discussed sex. So imagine my surprise when I discovered that childbirth was messy! I arrived with cream silk pajamas and had to send my husband back for old T-Shirts. 

I gave birth naturally, epidural, no make-up and facing Sandton City! I tore slightly and required salt baths to heal. I’m no mother courage so I had domestic help and went back to work two weeks after. Just call me stupid for short. I thought Superwoman was more appropriate!

I had this working mother thing sorted except nobody ever spoke to me about how to get my lover thing back. I had to work that one out all by myself. 

Let’s start with pregnancy. Your libido may or may not be affected. You could be hornier than ever, the same or not at all. Your breasts will ache and all those hormones rushing around your body, getting you ready for the big day will affect you both physically and emotionally. 

And then the big day arrives and it’s messy. Really, really messy! It will feel like you are having a menstrual cycle from hell and there is just nothing sexy about it. You will feel like a milking cow, fat and exhausted. Your body has just experienced a trauma equivalent to a major operation and will need time to recover. 

This recovery period takes between four and six weeks depending on your own personal recovery rate. Your cervix needs to close properly and any tears or lacerations have to heal. Because these wounds are internal you will not be able to see whether they are healed or not. 

I recently read “Vaginas” by Naomi Wolf. In it she proposes that wounding during childbirth permanently changes the nerve structures of the vagina which could change the sensations you feel during sex. I can’t say that I remember it changing anything for me. 

I do remember being terrified to have sex again. Was it going to be painful, would I tear again, would my vagina walls have stretched so much that I would not be able to give or receive pleasure again and there was no one I could ask. 

So here are the answers: Potentially the answer is yes to all of them but with some pre and post birth care, not necessarily so. 

Kegel exercise leading up to the birth will ensure that your vagina wall gets back into shape far quicker than if you don’t. Keep those exercises up after the birth for continued strength. 

I believe it is incredibly important to re-establish intimacy with your partner soon after the baby is born. Not necessarily full penetrative sex but touching and maybe even licking. Remember that he is probably feeling left out. He was not part of the birthing process and I have no doubt that all your attention and emotional energy is firmly focused on the baby and now I’m asking you to give him some attention. I can hear the collective ‘all this and now I have to give him attention to?’ The answer is, Yes, get used to it. 

Men can also be affected by the actual pregnancy and birth, something very often overlooked. I had a friend who was present when his wife’s innards were placed on a table next to her body while they removed her twins. He admitted that he could not get that image out of his mind. He spent a great deal of time puking every time he thought about it. Another was so traumatized by seeing his special place of pleasure stretch and tear that he could not bring himself to have sex with her for months after the birth of their son. 

Maybe my parent’s generation had it right, let him pace the hall outside the delivery room. My son’s father was in the room with me but he stood at my head and could not see anything except my sweet angelic face. 

Restoring your post pregnancy passion will require patience and work. It is not going to come back on its own. You are going to have to give it attention. Waiting for that loving feeling to return may only happen when you check into the retirement village. 

You can speed up the recovery period by getting blood flow to the relevant areas. So guys if you want her back in the saddle, now is the time you up your technique and learn some genital massage techniques. It will help with the healing and lubrication and above all it may help her get her libido back. Just don’t expect to put your penis anywhere near her. Ladies this is the time you need to up your hand techniques. He just needs to know that you still desire him and that he is still in the game. 

I covered this topic in a radio show last week and received many calls from men or should I say frustrated men. They were all in the 6 to 12 month drought after the birth, with no passion reignited. If you are one of their partners it is time to put on your big girl G-String and start getting your groove back. He needs your attention and so does your libido even if it the very last thing you feel like. 

And when you don’t want to think about this: Do you want your relationship to survive? If the answer is yes then get to it and as an old aunt of mine used to say – Force yourself my child, Force yourself!

Libido lost in action?

Have you ever felt like you’d rather stab your partner than fuck them? Or would you rather chew your arm off than find the energy to have sex? Chances are your libido has gone on vacation without you!

If the lack of libido was considered a disease it would be a pandemic and we’d have to declare a State of Emergency! A lack of libido is the number one concern with many clients who pop into the store or participate in our workshops, and yet we are too ashamed to admit it and talk about it.

I remember many years ago, before I got into this business, I attended a function with my husband who was about to break into senior management. I cannot remember where the men were but the women were standing at the bar bitching about their husbands always being too tired for sex. I specifically remember the wife I considered to be the most matronly saying, ’And he has the cheek to say that I always have a headache!’ I remember thinking this would never happen to me – man was I wrong.

So let me start by dispelling the myth that men always feel like sex and women never do. That only women lose their libido and men never do. This only continues to perpetuate the myth and drive men who lack libidos and women who want great sex further into the dark. It leaves them feeling isolated and maybe even depressed.

This lack of libido affects both men and women equally. The difference is that we only hear about it from women who are seeking help for themselves and very often their partner. We do have men who come into the store to ask for help for their wives but never for themselves.

What I find fascinating is how women automatically blame themselves for their partner’s lack of libido. Is she too fat, not sexy enough, lacks technique or a million other insecurities when it actually has nothing to do with her at all. I’m not sexy enough for my wife said no man ever!

Libido can be affected for many reasons, some mental and some physical. The physical are much easier to deal with. Numero uno on this list is STRESS. The killer of all things. If your libido has taken a dive because of a stressful situation, chances are it will pass along with the situation. All you’ll need is patience and communication. A short term fix is to talk about what is going on and take the pressure off. If stress is part of your daily life for the rest of your life you need to learn how to deal with it before it kills more than your libido. A balanced diet and exercise are on the cards for you.

Prescription medication can also have an effect on your libido. Known passion killers, ironically include birth control pills and anti depressants. Anti convulsion medication and hormone replacement therapy are also culprits. If your libido has been affected by your medication then talk to your health practitioner about it and ask to be put on alternatives that do not suppress libido. If this is not possible then you are going to have to apply some discipline to your intimacy regime.

One of the biggest libido assassins’ is becoming a parent. I can only speak from my own personal experience. I went from being lover to mother and battled to find my way back to lover again.  Chemistry is one reason, exhaustion, mood swings and fear are some of the others. The most harmful and dangerous are the psychological reasons. The myth that mothers are not sexual beings, and once we’ve had our offspring sex is no longer necessary and that wanting sex is somewhat perverted. It doesn’t matter who you are – this is complete nonsense. We are sexual beings from birth to death – so get over yourself.

If you find yourself in this rut start talking to your partner about how you feel, how terrified you are, and how exhausted. Find friends with children the same age and share babysitting dates. Have us time in a kids free zone. Force yourself, your prince will survive without you for 3 hours.

Recovering from a major disease can also affect your libido and even more so if a mastectomy has been performed. You may want to take sex off the table for a while and do simple touching and intimacy exercises. Go back and read last week’s column. Talk, talk, talk, about how you are feeling. You Both need to talk because a major illness impacts the entire family.

If you have mismatched libidos you have to talk about it and find ways around it. One of you may have to masturbate more often, but remember to keep the touching and intimacy going. No blaming or guilt. Touching, intimacy and orgasm releases oxytocin, a happy drug which is really good for you.

There are creams, lotions and potions that can be used to increase your libido. ‘At Last’ is a stimulating cream for women, developed by a local doctor and sells by the bucket load. For men there are a variety of pills available including the famous blue one, available on prescription. A word of caution when taking pills – if you have a heart condition or high blood pressure, don’t take them. It is always advisable to discuss medication and concerns with your doctor.

We will talk about ED another time. Today it is just about libidos or the lack thereof. The best thing you can do when your libido is lost in action is to force yourself to have sex. It requires disciple. You need take control of your regime because the more sex you have, the more sex you will want and your libido will find its way home but until then – hide the knives. 

10 Things about sex we shouldn't worry about!

10 Things about sex we shouldn't worry about. 

With thanks to www.webmd.com 

We stress over our jobs, our relationships, our finances and our friendships and unfortunately, even our bedrooms can become a breeding ground for anxiety. 

Sex may be touted as one of the most effective (and pleasurable) forms of stress relief, but it can also be a major source of insecurity for women. Performance anxiety isn't limited to men, and if your sex life isn't as mind-blowing as it could be, it's possible that your own worries are getting in the way. 

Body image issues, orgasm obstacles and STD woes are just a few of the concerns that can keep women from letting go and enjoying their time between the sheets. If you suspect that your anxiety about sex might be preventing you from optimizing your pleasure, it might be worth taking a look at some of your own sexual insecurities. 

Scroll through the list below for 10 common worries about sex and why they're not worth the stress. 

1. I can't orgasm from intercourse. 

The inability to climax is arguably the most universal female sexual problem: Recent studies have suggested that roughly 75 percent of women can't orgasm through penetrative sex, and 10 to 15 percent can't orgasm under any circumstances. And in fact, until recently, the sheer existence of the vaginal orgasm was questioned. 

If you're one of the 25 percent of women who consistently orgasm during intercourse, congratulations! But if orgasms elude you, bear in mind that the inability to climax makes you normal, not abnormal, and it doesn't mean that you can't still enjoy a fulfilling sex life. Experiment with other ways of achieving orgasm, and make sure you have a partner who's willing to try a whole range of techniques to give you pleasure.

 2. I don't look good naked. 

Body image isn't solely a self-esteem issue: It can also significantly impact your sex life. According to psychologist Dr. Jennifer Hartstein, 61 percent of women are thinking about what their bodies look like during sex, and a Fitness Magazine study found that 51 percent of women would give up sex for a year to be skinny. 

Needless to say, feeling unattractive (and trying to avoid positions that you fear may be unflattering) tends to kill the mood.

So instead of forcing yourself to have sex when you're not feeling up for it, try to do something that does make you feel sexy, whether that's a night out with friends, taking a yoga class or treating yourself to a deep-tissue massage. 

Giving yourself pleasure can also be a great way to boost your body confidence. A good partner will be willing to wait until you're in the mood, so don't push yourself if you'd rather curl up with a movie than hop into bed. 

When you are ready to have sex again, focus on the sensations -- and remind yourself that you, like anyone else, deserve pleasure. And consider this: While you're worrying about all the things you think are wrong with your body, your partner is probably appreciating everything he or she loves about it. 

3. I don't have a "normal" vagina.

Like negative body image, worry that your lady parts are unattractive can seriously undermine your sexual confidence, and it's led many women to undergo surgical procedures to attain a more "desirable" vagina. 

The porn industry in particular has been instrumental in changing cultural conceptions of what a vagina "should" look like in order for it to be sexually appealing. (Heaven forbid any part of the female body escape evaluation by today's often unrealistic beauty standards.) 

This anxiety about vaginal appearance was the inspiration behind the Large Labia Project, a Tumblr that encourages women to celebrate the beauty of their vulvas by submitting "vagina selfies." Collectively, the photos deliver a message we all need to hear: Whether you're shaven or unshaven, have large labia or small, there's nothing wrong with your vagina. Try to appreciate it as much as your partner(s) already do(es). 

4. I'm bad at sex. 

Let's face it: Mediocre sex is no fun for anyone involved. But before you start berating yourself for your lack of sexual prowess, bear in mind that good sex has more to do with how committed two people are to giving each other pleasure than how advanced their moves are. 

There are a lot of factors that go into creating a less-than-steamy sex session, so if you're feeling unsatisfied, consider the other conditions that may be putting a damper on your sex life. Sub-par sex could be the result of feeling uncomfortable with your partner, or it could be that you're still learning what really turns you on. 

With the right person and a little experimenting, you can have stellar sex -- it's just a matter of build up your confidence (see #2) and comfort level with your partner. And of course, as with anything else in life, practice makes perfect.

5. Sex with my partner will eventually get boring/routine. 

Contrary to popular belief, married couples actually report having more regular sex and higher levels of sexual satisfaction than those who are single or in unmarried relationships. As many married couples can tell you, sex within a committed relationship doesn't have to be monotonous -- in fact, it can be the best kind of sex. 

There's a high level of comfort and intimacy, not to mention that your partner knows what you want and exactly how to give it to you. Women's levels of desire have been shown to gradually decrease over time in committed relationships. If your sex routine is getting a little stale, experts recommend talking openly to your partner about your sexual needs and trying new things (role play and/or sex toys) to turn the heat back up. 

6. My sex drive is too low. 

If you're suffering from a lack of desire, you're not alone: A 2008 survey of over 30,000 women found that increasing numbers of women report sexual problems, including 10 percent of women ages 18 to 44 who reported low sexual desire. What you need to know is that it's not your fault: Low sex drive could be the result of certain forms of birth control, lack of sleep or taking antidepressants. 

Stress, depression and relationship issues can also be the culprits. If you're not sure what's dampening your desire, talk to your gynecologist -- the good news is that there are many ways to boost a low libido. 


7. I've had too many (or not enough) sexual partners. 

Some of us will experience many different types of sex, while others will only experience one type of sex with one partner. When it comes to sexual experience, there is no "normal." 

You've grown and learned from your experiences, whatever and however many they may be, so don't stress about which end of the spectrum (women aged 30-44 report an average of four sexual partners, according to the Kinsey Institute) your number of partners falls on. As Entertainment Weekly critic Lisa Schwarzbaum put it in a review of the flop 2011 "What's Your Number?", "Who in this day and age is counting?”

8. My STD is going to ruin my sex life. 

Finding out that you have an STD is difficult, but it isn't a death sentence for your sex life. Eighty percent of sexually-active singles will contract HPV at some point in their lives, and approximately one in four adults living in New York City has genital herpes. 

Your STD might feel like a scarlet "A," but the stigma around these diseases is fading. If you're nervous about telling prospective partners about your situation, try a dating site like positivesingles.com, which is exclusively for individuals with sexually transmitted diseases. I haven't checked whether there is a SA Branch.

9. I'm not having sex right now. 

If it seems like everyone around you is having multiple orgasms and getting it on in public bathrooms while you're stuck in sexual limbo, think again: Half of Americans are unsatisfied with their sex lives, according to a 2012 survey. 

If you're going through a dry spell (and please note: we all do), try to remember that when spring inevitably comes again, having taken a break will mean that you have a better understanding of your sexual and relationship needs -- and be in a better position to ask for them. 

10. I get turned on by things I don't actually want to do in real life. 

Despite the wealth of research that's been done on the subject, there are many aspects of female sexual desire that we still don't understand. What we do know is that a woman's capacity for arousal is generally far more fluid than a man's. In an often-cited 2009 study , men and women were shown clips of a variety of sexual activities -- sex between men and women, homosexual sex, animal sex, and more -- and found that while straight men were aroused by heterosexual and lesbian sex, women were more aroused across the board. 

However, although women experienced physical arousal, they didn't report being turned on. Their conclusion? When it comes to sex, our minds and bodies are frequently in disagreement. If you're a straight woman having lesbian fantasies, or you have domination fantasies that may not be in line with your feminist values, remember that desire isn't always logical, moral, or politically correct. 

Fantasizing about something doesn't necessarily mean you want to act it out in reality. And if you find that you do, it's possible to act out fantasies in a safe way. The important thing is not to berate yourself for your desires