Libido lost in action?

Have you ever felt like you’d rather stab your partner than fuck them? Or would you rather chew your arm off than find the energy to have sex? Chances are your libido has gone on vacation without you!

If the lack of libido was considered a disease it would be a pandemic and we’d have to declare a State of Emergency! A lack of libido is the number one concern with many clients who pop into the store or participate in our workshops, and yet we are too ashamed to admit it and talk about it.

I remember many years ago, before I got into this business, I attended a function with my husband who was about to break into senior management. I cannot remember where the men were but the women were standing at the bar bitching about their husbands always being too tired for sex. I specifically remember the wife I considered to be the most matronly saying, ’And he has the cheek to say that I always have a headache!’ I remember thinking this would never happen to me – man was I wrong.

So let me start by dispelling the myth that men always feel like sex and women never do. That only women lose their libido and men never do. This only continues to perpetuate the myth and drive men who lack libidos and women who want great sex further into the dark. It leaves them feeling isolated and maybe even depressed.

This lack of libido affects both men and women equally. The difference is that we only hear about it from women who are seeking help for themselves and very often their partner. We do have men who come into the store to ask for help for their wives but never for themselves.

What I find fascinating is how women automatically blame themselves for their partner’s lack of libido. Is she too fat, not sexy enough, lacks technique or a million other insecurities when it actually has nothing to do with her at all. I’m not sexy enough for my wife said no man ever!

Libido can be affected for many reasons, some mental and some physical. The physical are much easier to deal with. Numero uno on this list is STRESS. The killer of all things. If your libido has taken a dive because of a stressful situation, chances are it will pass along with the situation. All you’ll need is patience and communication. A short term fix is to talk about what is going on and take the pressure off. If stress is part of your daily life for the rest of your life you need to learn how to deal with it before it kills more than your libido. A balanced diet and exercise are on the cards for you.

Prescription medication can also have an effect on your libido. Known passion killers, ironically include birth control pills and anti depressants. Anti convulsion medication and hormone replacement therapy are also culprits. If your libido has been affected by your medication then talk to your health practitioner about it and ask to be put on alternatives that do not suppress libido. If this is not possible then you are going to have to apply some discipline to your intimacy regime.

One of the biggest libido assassins’ is becoming a parent. I can only speak from my own personal experience. I went from being lover to mother and battled to find my way back to lover again.  Chemistry is one reason, exhaustion, mood swings and fear are some of the others. The most harmful and dangerous are the psychological reasons. The myth that mothers are not sexual beings, and once we’ve had our offspring sex is no longer necessary and that wanting sex is somewhat perverted. It doesn’t matter who you are – this is complete nonsense. We are sexual beings from birth to death – so get over yourself.

If you find yourself in this rut start talking to your partner about how you feel, how terrified you are, and how exhausted. Find friends with children the same age and share babysitting dates. Have us time in a kids free zone. Force yourself, your prince will survive without you for 3 hours.

Recovering from a major disease can also affect your libido and even more so if a mastectomy has been performed. You may want to take sex off the table for a while and do simple touching and intimacy exercises. Go back and read last week’s column. Talk, talk, talk, about how you are feeling. You Both need to talk because a major illness impacts the entire family.

If you have mismatched libidos you have to talk about it and find ways around it. One of you may have to masturbate more often, but remember to keep the touching and intimacy going. No blaming or guilt. Touching, intimacy and orgasm releases oxytocin, a happy drug which is really good for you.

There are creams, lotions and potions that can be used to increase your libido. ‘At Last’ is a stimulating cream for women, developed by a local doctor and sells by the bucket load. For men there are a variety of pills available including the famous blue one, available on prescription. A word of caution when taking pills – if you have a heart condition or high blood pressure, don’t take them. It is always advisable to discuss medication and concerns with your doctor.

We will talk about ED another time. Today it is just about libidos or the lack thereof. The best thing you can do when your libido is lost in action is to force yourself to have sex. It requires disciple. You need take control of your regime because the more sex you have, the more sex you will want and your libido will find its way home but until then – hide the knives.