Orgasm Part 1

Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great!

Now that you’ve found your libido for the next 2 weeks we are going to talk about orgasms!

At Lola Montez we are often asked about not being able to orgasm. It is estimated that approximately 30% of women will NEVER orgasm. Just imagine that for a second – Never orgasm! How ghastly!

It’s important to know is that just because you aren’t having orgasms, and even if you’ve never had an orgasm, that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t have an orgasm.

There are many reasons why you may believe you can’t orgasm. There are many sexual acts that don’t involve orgasms. But if you’re goal is to orgasm, read on.

Start with the following questions:

Have you ever had an orgasm (this includes an orgasm from masturbation)?

Do you masturbate with any regularity?

Do you think you’d know an orgasm if you had one?

The first is important because many who have never had an orgasm simply need the right information, encouragement and permission. Remember girls are not encouraged to explore their genitals and in comparison to boys very few will masturbate.

If you’ve already had orgasms and now find you can’t orgasm, it’s probably not something as straightforward as knowing where to touch yourself and how.

The second is important because if you aren’t having orgasms, it’s much easier to learn through masturbation than with a partner. If you aren’t comfortable with masturbation it can make the process more difficult. Half your problem could be getting comfortable with your own body. Explore your sweet spots by yourself and even introduce a sex toy into the mix. This will usually persuade you that you are not broken!

I attended a Brunch with Dr Ruth who openly spoke to a very conservative community about the benefits of masturbation and understanding your orgasm.

 With regards to the next question, if you don’t know whether you’ve had an orgasm or not then chances are you haven’t – so keep reading.

To help identify the reason you can’t orgasm is to look at orgasm in different parts and then see where the problem lies.

Identify whether your libido is missing? Orgasm will be affected if you don’t feel like having sex or you don’t enjoy having sex. Read last week’s column about libido.

Do you want to have sex  (desire) but find that once you start having sex you don’t get very turned on (arousal )?

Do you want to have sex, get turned on, but can never quite make it over the top to have an actual orgasm?

Next, consider the more direct causes of not having an orgasm.

 Here are some of the main reasons people have difficulty with orgasm:

1              Your body can’t orgasm.

2              Your mind can’t orgasm.

3              Your relationship can’t orgasm.

Your Body Can’t Orgasm

Because orgasm involves so many systems in your body (neurological, anatomical, muscular, hormonal, respiratory) there may be physical reasons you aren’t having orgasms.

Reduced sensation as a result of paralysis, aging, the indirect effects of chronic illness, diseases, and physical effects of medications can all get in the way of orgasm. Speak to your sex positive doctor to either rule out, or discover, potential physical causes.

There are very few purely physical causes that can’t be addressed and worked around.

Your Mind Can’t Orgasm

Orgasm is mental and physical.

Our mental state, how we feel and how we think, can get in the way.

To orgasm you need to be able to relax and experience the pleasurable feelings. You may need help from your fantasies (the dirtier the better!).

Depression, anxiety, PTSD can all make it difficult. If you’re stressed out, dislike yourself, or generally “off” it can also prevent you from orgasm.

Your Relationship Can’t Orgasm

It’s not uncommon to be able to orgasm during masturbation but have difficulty having an orgasm with a partner there may be a few things getting in the way.

The easiest one to fix is the problem of sexual technique. And by easiest I do not mean it is an easy subject. You will have to put on your big girl panties to tackle this one so no ego is hurt during training!

It also might be a problem in the relationship unrelated to sex. It may be as simple as there is not enough body fat on the pubic bone.

Having an orgasm requires relaxation and trust, and if you’re in a relationship that doesn’t feel safe, or where there isn’t enough trust, orgasms may not come. I must stress that this lack of trust may be unrelated to your current partner but rather a legacy from some other trauma including sexual or physical or mental abuse. It may just be how society has influenced your attitude towards sex.

Society’s version is one of most underestimated influences on your ability to orgasm.

Society and the culture around you influence your ability to experience orgasm through the quality of sex education you received. Messages you were raised with and contend with today about your body, values and beliefs about sexual health and pleasure. Values and beliefs about sexuality and gender. The impact of negative messages cannot be ignored when considering why you may not be having orgasms.

This is particularly true for women who are routinely told that “good girls” aren’t sexual and that they must hide or be ashamed of their sexual desire and power.

Next week we talk about how to fix it!

If you have any questions please email me Sharon@lolamontez.co.za

Libido lost in action?

Have you ever felt like you’d rather stab your partner than fuck them? Or would you rather chew your arm off than find the energy to have sex? Chances are your libido has gone on vacation without you!

If the lack of libido was considered a disease it would be a pandemic and we’d have to declare a State of Emergency! A lack of libido is the number one concern with many clients who pop into the store or participate in our workshops, and yet we are too ashamed to admit it and talk about it.

I remember many years ago, before I got into this business, I attended a function with my husband who was about to break into senior management. I cannot remember where the men were but the women were standing at the bar bitching about their husbands always being too tired for sex. I specifically remember the wife I considered to be the most matronly saying, ’And he has the cheek to say that I always have a headache!’ I remember thinking this would never happen to me – man was I wrong.

So let me start by dispelling the myth that men always feel like sex and women never do. That only women lose their libido and men never do. This only continues to perpetuate the myth and drive men who lack libidos and women who want great sex further into the dark. It leaves them feeling isolated and maybe even depressed.

This lack of libido affects both men and women equally. The difference is that we only hear about it from women who are seeking help for themselves and very often their partner. We do have men who come into the store to ask for help for their wives but never for themselves.

What I find fascinating is how women automatically blame themselves for their partner’s lack of libido. Is she too fat, not sexy enough, lacks technique or a million other insecurities when it actually has nothing to do with her at all. I’m not sexy enough for my wife said no man ever!

Libido can be affected for many reasons, some mental and some physical. The physical are much easier to deal with. Numero uno on this list is STRESS. The killer of all things. If your libido has taken a dive because of a stressful situation, chances are it will pass along with the situation. All you’ll need is patience and communication. A short term fix is to talk about what is going on and take the pressure off. If stress is part of your daily life for the rest of your life you need to learn how to deal with it before it kills more than your libido. A balanced diet and exercise are on the cards for you.

Prescription medication can also have an effect on your libido. Known passion killers, ironically include birth control pills and anti depressants. Anti convulsion medication and hormone replacement therapy are also culprits. If your libido has been affected by your medication then talk to your health practitioner about it and ask to be put on alternatives that do not suppress libido. If this is not possible then you are going to have to apply some discipline to your intimacy regime.

One of the biggest libido assassins’ is becoming a parent. I can only speak from my own personal experience. I went from being lover to mother and battled to find my way back to lover again.  Chemistry is one reason, exhaustion, mood swings and fear are some of the others. The most harmful and dangerous are the psychological reasons. The myth that mothers are not sexual beings, and once we’ve had our offspring sex is no longer necessary and that wanting sex is somewhat perverted. It doesn’t matter who you are – this is complete nonsense. We are sexual beings from birth to death – so get over yourself.

If you find yourself in this rut start talking to your partner about how you feel, how terrified you are, and how exhausted. Find friends with children the same age and share babysitting dates. Have us time in a kids free zone. Force yourself, your prince will survive without you for 3 hours.

Recovering from a major disease can also affect your libido and even more so if a mastectomy has been performed. You may want to take sex off the table for a while and do simple touching and intimacy exercises. Go back and read last week’s column. Talk, talk, talk, about how you are feeling. You Both need to talk because a major illness impacts the entire family.

If you have mismatched libidos you have to talk about it and find ways around it. One of you may have to masturbate more often, but remember to keep the touching and intimacy going. No blaming or guilt. Touching, intimacy and orgasm releases oxytocin, a happy drug which is really good for you.

There are creams, lotions and potions that can be used to increase your libido. ‘At Last’ is a stimulating cream for women, developed by a local doctor and sells by the bucket load. For men there are a variety of pills available including the famous blue one, available on prescription. A word of caution when taking pills – if you have a heart condition or high blood pressure, don’t take them. It is always advisable to discuss medication and concerns with your doctor.

We will talk about ED another time. Today it is just about libidos or the lack thereof. The best thing you can do when your libido is lost in action is to force yourself to have sex. It requires disciple. You need take control of your regime because the more sex you have, the more sex you will want and your libido will find its way home but until then – hide the knives.