Orgasms - Part 2

Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great! Part 2

Last week we talked about the reasons you may not be able to orgasm, this week we talk about how to combat that.

How to find your Orgasm?

The right sexual technique through masturbation or with your partner won’t guarantee an orgasm, but without it the chances of having one go way down.

Fortunately, the right sexual technique to achieve an orgasm isn’t rocket science. What’s needed is the right amount of stimulation, in the right area, and of the right kind and at the right time!

We spoke about exploring your own body and masturbation last week. What you are looking for is a safe introduction into the pleasure your body can feel. If you didn’t succeed the first time – keep trying. Many sexologists will recommend a toy like the Wand to help you discover where your body can go. The Wand looks like a large massager and can be held on the belly button if your genitals terrify you. Once you know how to give yourself an orgasm it’s just a question of taking that learning into your sexual relationship with a partner.

So now we have identified some of the reasons you cannot orgasm we can try to help you along the path to great orgasms.

The medical complications are the easiest to deal with. A visit to your GP, tweaking your medication, sorting out hormone levels is relatively easy to do although many cannot talk to their doctor about the problems they are experiencing – it means you have to talk about sex!

We refer our clients to a sex positive GP we work with and if you want her number just give the Lola Montez Boutique a call on 0861 LOLAMO and we’ll refer you.

Sexual technique is another easy fix. We’ll talk to you about trying different positions, learning new foreplay techniques and how to communicate your needs to your partner. It does require you to speak about what is going on.

Try watching Yoni or Lingam Massage DVD’s available go to www.isexed.co.za to download some techniques or read the tips and techniques regularly shared on my blog - http://sharongordon.blogspot.com/.

It’s when we get to the mental issues that things get a bit more difficult to resolve. If issues are related to abuse, mental or physical we urge you to seek professional help and again we have several sexologists and therapists we can refer you to. We will also give you some sound solid advise and homework.

Homework starts with you coming to terms with your body. You need to start looking at yourself naked and while you’re at it have a really good look at your genitals. The easiest way to do this is to lie in an empty bath. Get your mirror and have a really good look at your genitals. This is much easier for men than it is for women. For men your tackle is easily accessible and you get to touch feel and look every time you go to the bathroom.

For women exploring your body, get your fingers involved. Find your clitoris and see how much it looks like a mini penis. Pull the hood back, check your inner and outer labia (the lips). You may need a bit of lube to make it more pleasurable. Check out your vagina entrance and if you’re brave enough insert your fingers and feel how wonderful, soft and velvety your vagina is.

If you are feeling too uncomfortable - stop. There is always later.

Repeat until you are completely comfortable with the process.

Then it’s time to move on – while your fingers are inside see if you can find your G-Spot and then find out what makes you feel good. Everyone’s body is different. Your special spot may be two fingers up and one finger over. If you know what feels good and where to find it you’ll know how to guide your partner.

Try to bring yourself to orgasm just using your hand. If you can great – otherwise keep practicing.

See which rhythms or pressures please you most. And then we recommend introducing a vibrator for extra pleasure. Try a Love Stone, Egg Vibrator or Honey Bunny.

If you still can’t find your orgasm bring out the big guns - The Wand referred to above. The shape of the wand is important especially if you have preconceived ideas about vibrators.

We love it because its vibration is so strong that you needn’t put it anywhere near your genital area to receive extreme pleasure from it. And if at first you don’t succeed – just keep trying.

But don’t chase the orgasm just enjoy the journey and the rest will follow. When you feel yourself starting to peak, finish the orgasm with your hand because let’s face it – your partner is never going to vibrate.

Now you know what you are looking for – it’s time to introduce your partner to the party.

Show your partner what you’ve learnt and guide him. You may want to introduce him to your vibrator and use the vibrator to get you close to orgasm and then let your partner take you over – win – win!

With time you will re-program your body and having an orgasm will be easier.

Remember your body goes through changes and what works for you today may not work for you tomorrow – so keep exploring, keep playing.

200 Orgasms a year can make you look 4 years younger. Now there’s a reason to orgasm if ever you need one!

Send your questions and comments to Sharon@lolamontez.co.za

Orgasm Part 1

Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great!

Now that you’ve found your libido for the next 2 weeks we are going to talk about orgasms!

At Lola Montez we are often asked about not being able to orgasm. It is estimated that approximately 30% of women will NEVER orgasm. Just imagine that for a second – Never orgasm! How ghastly!

It’s important to know is that just because you aren’t having orgasms, and even if you’ve never had an orgasm, that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t have an orgasm.

There are many reasons why you may believe you can’t orgasm. There are many sexual acts that don’t involve orgasms. But if you’re goal is to orgasm, read on.

Start with the following questions:

Have you ever had an orgasm (this includes an orgasm from masturbation)?

Do you masturbate with any regularity?

Do you think you’d know an orgasm if you had one?

The first is important because many who have never had an orgasm simply need the right information, encouragement and permission. Remember girls are not encouraged to explore their genitals and in comparison to boys very few will masturbate.

If you’ve already had orgasms and now find you can’t orgasm, it’s probably not something as straightforward as knowing where to touch yourself and how.

The second is important because if you aren’t having orgasms, it’s much easier to learn through masturbation than with a partner. If you aren’t comfortable with masturbation it can make the process more difficult. Half your problem could be getting comfortable with your own body. Explore your sweet spots by yourself and even introduce a sex toy into the mix. This will usually persuade you that you are not broken!

I attended a Brunch with Dr Ruth who openly spoke to a very conservative community about the benefits of masturbation and understanding your orgasm.

 With regards to the next question, if you don’t know whether you’ve had an orgasm or not then chances are you haven’t – so keep reading.

To help identify the reason you can’t orgasm is to look at orgasm in different parts and then see where the problem lies.

Identify whether your libido is missing? Orgasm will be affected if you don’t feel like having sex or you don’t enjoy having sex. Read last week’s column about libido.

Do you want to have sex  (desire) but find that once you start having sex you don’t get very turned on (arousal )?

Do you want to have sex, get turned on, but can never quite make it over the top to have an actual orgasm?

Next, consider the more direct causes of not having an orgasm.

 Here are some of the main reasons people have difficulty with orgasm:

1              Your body can’t orgasm.

2              Your mind can’t orgasm.

3              Your relationship can’t orgasm.

Your Body Can’t Orgasm

Because orgasm involves so many systems in your body (neurological, anatomical, muscular, hormonal, respiratory) there may be physical reasons you aren’t having orgasms.

Reduced sensation as a result of paralysis, aging, the indirect effects of chronic illness, diseases, and physical effects of medications can all get in the way of orgasm. Speak to your sex positive doctor to either rule out, or discover, potential physical causes.

There are very few purely physical causes that can’t be addressed and worked around.

Your Mind Can’t Orgasm

Orgasm is mental and physical.

Our mental state, how we feel and how we think, can get in the way.

To orgasm you need to be able to relax and experience the pleasurable feelings. You may need help from your fantasies (the dirtier the better!).

Depression, anxiety, PTSD can all make it difficult. If you’re stressed out, dislike yourself, or generally “off” it can also prevent you from orgasm.

Your Relationship Can’t Orgasm

It’s not uncommon to be able to orgasm during masturbation but have difficulty having an orgasm with a partner there may be a few things getting in the way.

The easiest one to fix is the problem of sexual technique. And by easiest I do not mean it is an easy subject. You will have to put on your big girl panties to tackle this one so no ego is hurt during training!

It also might be a problem in the relationship unrelated to sex. It may be as simple as there is not enough body fat on the pubic bone.

Having an orgasm requires relaxation and trust, and if you’re in a relationship that doesn’t feel safe, or where there isn’t enough trust, orgasms may not come. I must stress that this lack of trust may be unrelated to your current partner but rather a legacy from some other trauma including sexual or physical or mental abuse. It may just be how society has influenced your attitude towards sex.

Society’s version is one of most underestimated influences on your ability to orgasm.

Society and the culture around you influence your ability to experience orgasm through the quality of sex education you received. Messages you were raised with and contend with today about your body, values and beliefs about sexual health and pleasure. Values and beliefs about sexuality and gender. The impact of negative messages cannot be ignored when considering why you may not be having orgasms.

This is particularly true for women who are routinely told that “good girls” aren’t sexual and that they must hide or be ashamed of their sexual desire and power.

Next week we talk about how to fix it!

If you have any questions please email me Sharon@lolamontez.co.za

Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great! Part 1

Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great!

Part 1

At Lola Montez we are often asked about not being able to orgasm. It’s important to know is that just because you aren’t having orgasms, and even if you’ve never had an orgasm, that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t have an orgasm.

There are many reasons why you may believe you can’t orgasm.

It’s worth pointing out that there are lots of great sexual acts that don’t involve orgasms. But if you’re goal is to orgasm, read on.

When we’re asked about not being able to orgasm, we start with asking the following questions:

·         Have you ever had an orgasm (this includes an orgasm from masturbation)?

·         Do you masturbate with any regularity?

·         Do you think you’d know an orgasm if you had one?

The first question is important because, particularly for women, many who have never had an orgasm simply need the right information, encouragement and permission.

If you’ve already had orgasms and now find you can’t orgasm, it’s probably not something as straightforward as knowing where to touch yourself and how. Not that one situation is more hopeful or hopeless than the other, they’re just different and the paths to orgasm may be different.

The masturbation question is important because if you aren’t having orgasms, it can be much easier to learn to orgasm through masturbation than through sex with a partner. If you aren’t comfortable with masturbation it can make the process a bit more difficult (though again, not impossible). But I would encourage you to get comfortable with your own body as this could be more than half your problem.

I recently attended a Brunch with Dr Ruth who openly spoke about the benefits of masturbation and understanding your orgasm.

 If you don’t know whether you’ve had an orgasm or not then chances are you haven’t – so keep reading.

The next step in helping you identify the reason you can’t orgasm. The best way to do this is start to think of the different parts involved in orgasm and see where the problem may be starting.  

• Is your libido in the toilet? If you don’t feel like having sex or you don’t enjoy having sex this may be part of the reason you do not orgasm.
• Do you want to have sex (the desire part) but find that once you start having sex you don’t get very turned on (the arousal part)?
• Do you want to have sex, get turned on, but find you can never quite make it over the top to have an orgasm (the actual orgasm part)?

Next, think about some of the more direct causes of not having an orgasm. Here is a list of some of the main reasons people have difficulty orgasm.

When Your Body Can’t Orgasm

Because orgasm is an event that involves so many systems in your body (neurological, anatomical, muscular, hormonal, respiratory, the list goes on) there may be physical reasons you aren’t having orgasms.

Reduced sensation as a result of paralysis, aging, or some medications, the indirect effects of chronic illness, some diseases, and physical effects of medications can all get in the way of orgasm so speak to your family doctor to either rule out, or discover, potential physical causes.

The good news is that there are very few purely physical causes of orgasm that can’t be worked around.

When Your Mind Can’t Orgasm

Many definitions of orgasms describe orgasm as equal parts mental and physical experience. So it makes sense that our mental state, both how we feel and how we think, can get in the way of our ability to orgasm.

In order to orgasm you need to be able to relax, focus, and concentrate enough to take in the pleasurable feelings. You may need some help from your fantasies for this one.

Health issues such as depression, anxiety, PTSD can all make it difficult to orgasm. Aside from these health labels, if you’re feeling very stressed out, very down about yourself, or generally “off” it can prevent you from experiencing orgasm.

When Your Relationship Can’t Orgasm

It’s not uncommon for someone to be able to orgasm during masturbation but have difficulty having and orgasm with a partner.

If you’re consistently able to have an orgasm when masturbating but never do with a partner, there may be one of few things getting in the way. The easiest one to fix is when the problem is one of sexual technique.

It also might be a problem in the relationship unrelated to sex with this particular partner.

While this isn’t necessarily the case, having an orgasm requires relaxation and trust, and if you’re in a relationship that doesn’t feel safe, or where there isn’t enough trust, orgasms may not come. This lack of trust may be unrelated to your current partner but rather a legacy from some other trauma including sexual or physical abuse.

Lastly, if you are having orgasms on your own but can’t with a partner it may be related to pressure or anxiety you’re feeling during sex with your partner.

How Medication Gets in the Way of Your Orgasms

Many different medications can get in the way of you having an orgasm. Medication can impact orgasm either through direct effects on your body or indirectly by making you feel more tired, reducing your ability to concentrate, or negatively affecting your mood.

If you can’t orgasm and you are taking any medication, check with the doctor who prescribes the medication.

How Sexual Technique Gets in the Way of Your Orgasms

The right sexual technique won’t guarantee an orgasm, but without it the chances of having one go way down.

Fortunately, the right sexual technique to achieve an orgasm isn’t rocket science. What’s needed is the right amount of stimulation, in the right area, and of the right kind.

Once you know how to give yourself an orgasm it’s just a question of taking that learning into your sexual relationship with a partner.

How Society Gets in the Way of Your Orgasms

This may be one of most subtle influences on your ability to orgasm but it can still have a powerful effect. Here are just a few of the ways that society and the culture around you influence your ability to experience orgasm:

·         Quality and amount of sex education you receive

·         Messages you were raised with and contend with today about your body

·         Values and beliefs about sexual health and sexual pleasure

·         Values and beliefs about sexuality and gender

The impact of being inundated by sex negative messages should not be ignored when considering why you may not be having orgasms.

This is particularly true for women who are routinely told that “good girls” aren’t sexual and that they must hide or be ashamed of their sexual desire and power.

Tomorrow in Part 2, I'll share some tips and techniques on how to get yourself to orgasm!