Open letter to an Eighteen Year Old.

I have a favourite word that I use often. It rhymes with suck so please feel free to insert it as an adjective or an adverb throughout this entire column. 

I am so angry I want to explode! I’m angry at myself first and foremost and then at a young girl whose life I could have influenced and because I was to exhausted after raising my own children, chose not to engage. 

I’m angry because I see another young soul think she is worth less than her brother because she has a vagina. Because she believes than men are entitled to more regardless of their IQ. I’m angry because she thinks the path she has chosen is well thought out, that she will escape mediocrity and all its charming allure, when all she has really done is chosen small.

This girl, like so many others is completing her matric this year. She proudly tells the story, as if to illustrate her escape from mediocrity, That in her group of friends, all 18, one has a baby, one is five months pregnant and five are engaged to be married! I hope that you are horrified! 

She thinks that going a small town, second grade university to get an insignificant degree makes her more equipped to deal with the world. If this was her only option I would agree. Getting a degree is a fabulous first step to becoming all you can be. But it’s not. 

She is probably going to get at least 4 to 6 distinctions. She has a British passport with a parent already established in the UK and has the opportunity to study abroad. She thinks earning R120 makes her independent and that I am completely stupid. She cannot see that she has taken all her potential and reduced it to the size of a pin head, if not smaller!

What really blows my mind (you are still adding on my favourite word?) is that her parents, who know better are allowing her to make this grievous decision.

We all experience fear, we all live in its shadows and we all make safe choices. At 18 we all knew better. Not everyone is ‘Sharon the Salmon’ as someone recently called me and maybe I should be satisfied with that, but I’m not. 

I am angry because I have failed her and her group of friends. A baby at 17! Are you kidding me? Where on earth was contraception? Where were the discussions about safer, healthier, less life changing alternatives? Oh I know- we don’t talk about sex!!!

Why are 18 year old's getting engaged? I’ll tell you why, because they think they are in love and want to have sex! What are these parents thinking?

How much do they hate their daughters (and the sons) to allow them to think about marriage at the age of 18? And don’t tell me you can’t fight love! Rubbish, this is about biology!

They think they are in love because they have no idea what their bodies are really saying. They are confusing lust with love and are going to make choices because they are ‘lus’. They do not understand that that feeling is a normal part of sexuality and does not need marriage to be satiated. 

Let’s not talk about masturbation as an alternative let’s rather let them learn the hard way. 

We have doomed them and thousands more to a life filled with –what if! It breaks my heart. They will have their 2.2 children and the white picket fence for all of 5 seconds and then the horrible reality of their choices will set in. One in a thousand will be happy the rest will stick it out because the ego is a stubborn task master. It would rather be unhappy than admit it’s stupid decisions. 

I am so sad. I wish I’d done more. I wish I’d been able to educate the parents if not the children. I am convinced that teaching children about sex and sexuality will empower them to make better choices. I believe that educating your children about masturbation and biology will teach them to make the distinction between love and lust, which in turn will allow them to make different choices. 

That little girls understanding their body and the world of possibilities available to them will make them better mothers, lovers, wives, businesswomen and that the world would be a better place for it. 

To the young girl in question, or if you recognise her in someone you know pass this on. 

You have believed the wrong version of yourself. You are so much more. Your future can be so much bigger than the small, safe option you have chosen. I weep, Oh Lord I weep!

May is Masturbation Month

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May is Masturbation Month

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Touch Yourself

Touch yourself.

Sex and masturbation have had a bad wrap in past 200 years or more. For some reason it has become associated with everything evil and perverse. It has been shamed, misaligned and even classified as a sin and yet it is still the only natural way we procreate and ensure the continuation of the species. Now whether that is a good thing or not is debatable.

I am of the belief that sex is good for you. This includes sex with your partner and masturbation.

I believe that it should be an important part of your health, relationship and personal development. I also believe that you do not have to have a partner to enjoy orgasm and that masturbation is a far better way to go than inappropriate one night stands. It is also the best way to discover what you do and don’t like and how to get to orgasm. It will help you understand your body and assists in developing a sense of self worth.

We Vibe, the world’s best selling couple toy, recently completed a survey in the US and I wonder how similar we are in South Africa? They found that in the US people were most likely to masturbate in the following locations: 41% - bathroom, 25% - shower, 19% - couch and 8% in the kitchen.

20% said that they had masturbated in a car. The most exciting news for me as a toy seller is that 82% reported masturbating the most during the winter months and at night. So ‘Winter is coming!’ now has a whole new attraction.

According to a National Representative US sample, 94% of men admit to masturbating as do 85% of women. I laughed at the comments listed at the bottom of the article. One in particular ‘The rest are lying!’

I don’t think we come anywhere near those percentages in this country, especially amongst the female population. Little girls are still shamed for touching their genitals and for enjoying their bodies. Watch a YouTube clip in which ‘The Cliteratti’ talk about the myths surrounding masturbation. You can follow the link to the clip on my blog, follow the link on the www.lolamontez.co.za site.

We really should normalize masturbation. I used to find saying the word a bit uncomfortable but now it just rolls off the tongue. Say it aloud until you stop blushing.

Masturbation is the touching of one’s own genitals for pleasure. It is something that babies do from the time they are still in the womb and is a normal and natural part of healthy sexual development. You can talk to your children about it and just like you potty train them and teach them to use the bathroom, you can teach them to touch themselves in the privacy of their own room or in the bathroom, wherever they have privacy.

If your daughters understood the power of their body and the beauty of orgasm she might understand the difference between love and a normal biological function. If she understands that that glorious yummy feeling is not love, she will make better choices and more considered decisions. I am willing to bet she will wait longer to have sex for the first time, will do so for the right reasons and may not marry the first man to ask her.

There are so many myths surrounding masturbation that has added to stigmatizing it. Myths that blow my mind in their stupidity. You’ll go insane, go blind, grow hair on the palm of your hand or become infertile! All garbage!

The truth is that masturbation is good for you. It has many health benefits. For women masturbation can help prevent cervical and urinary tract infections. It is because of a process called tenting and it’s too technical for me to go into on a beautiful Saturday morning. In men it can also help prevent prostate cancer, if you want to know how I can refer you to the research.

It can also improve your immune functioning by increasing cortisol levels, increases endorphin levels which reduces depression. It also releases serotonin, the happy hormone making you feel healthier and happier. Further benefits of orgasm include; reducing stress levels, reduces blood pressure, increases self esteem and reduces pain. Just so you know sex should never be painful and if it is you should see a sex positive doctor.

It is important to talk about masturbation openly and honestly. Talking about masturbation has its benefits. It promotes sex positive views in your home and community. It allows us to have healthier sexual behavior and attitudes without stigma and shame and how can that possibly be bad for you?

Thank you for participating in the conversation. Your emails and questions are much appreciated. Should you wish to ask anything or suggest a topic for a future column please email me on sharon@lolamontez.co.za.

Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great! Part 2

Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great!

Part 2

How to find your Orgasm?

So now we have identified some of the reasons you cannot orgasm we can try to help you along the path to great orgasms.

The medical complications are the easiest to deal with. A visit to your GP, tweaking your medication, sorting out hormone levels is relatively easy to do although many cannot talk to their doctor about the problems they are experiencing – it means you have to talk about sex!

We refer our clients to a sex positive GP we work with and if you want her number just give the Lola Montez Boutique a call on 0861 LOLAMO and we’ll refer you.

Sexual technique is another easy fix. We’ll talk to you about trying different positions, learning new foreplay techniques and how to communicate your needs to your partner.

Try watching Yoni or Lingam Massage DVD’s available in store or read the tips and techniques regularly shared on this blog.

It’s when we get to the mental issues that things get a bit more difficult to resolve. If issues are related to abuse, mental or physical we urge you to seek professional help and again we have several sexologists and therapists we can refer you to. We will also give you some sound solid advise and homework.

The homework starts with you coming to terms with your body. 

You need to start looking at yourself naked and while you’re at it have a really good look at your genitals. 

The easiest way to do this is to lie in an empty bath. Get your mirror and have a really good look at your vagina. Get your fingers involved. Find your clitoris and see how much it looks like a mini penis. Pull the hood back, check your inner and outer labia (the lips). You may need a bit of lube to make it more pleasurable. Try the Montez Play Water Based Lubricant. Check out your vagina entrance and if you’re brave enough insert your fingers and feel how wonderful, soft and velvety your vagina is.

If you are feeling too uncomfortable - stop. There is always later.

Repeat until you are completely comfortable with the process.

Then it’s time to move on – while your fingers are inside see if you can find your G-Spot and then find out what makes you feel good. Everyone’s body is different. Your special spot may be two fingers up and one finger over. If you know what feels good and where to find it you’ll know how to guide your partner.

Try to bring yourself to orgasm just using your hand. If you can great – keep practicing.

See which rhythms or pressures please you most. And then we recommend introducing a vibrator for extra pleasure. Try an Ammunition Bullet, Egg Vibrator or Lelo Nea.

If you still can’t find your orgasm bring out the big guns - The Fairy Wand.

This is a multi speed vibrator in the likeness of the Hitachi Wand. It is electrical so it never goes flat. We love the Fairy Wand for clitoral stimulation because it does not look like a penis but rather like a massager you can use on sore muscles.

This is important especially if you have preconceived ideas about vibrators. We love it more because its vibration is so strong that you needn’t put it anywhere near your genital area to receive extreme pleasure from it. 

And if at first you don’t succeed – just keep trying. But don’t chase the orgasm just enjoy the journey and the rest will follow. When you feel yourself starting to peak finish the orgasm with your hand because let’s face it – your partner is never going to vibrate.

Now you know what you are looking for – it’s time to introduce your partner to the party. We recommend using toys as a special treat. Show your partner what you’ve learnt and guide him. 

Use the vibrator to get you close to orgasm and then let your partner take you over – win – win!

Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great! Part 1

Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great!

Part 1

At Lola Montez we are often asked about not being able to orgasm. It’s important to know is that just because you aren’t having orgasms, and even if you’ve never had an orgasm, that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t have an orgasm.

There are many reasons why you may believe you can’t orgasm.

It’s worth pointing out that there are lots of great sexual acts that don’t involve orgasms. But if you’re goal is to orgasm, read on.

When we’re asked about not being able to orgasm, we start with asking the following questions:

·         Have you ever had an orgasm (this includes an orgasm from masturbation)?

·         Do you masturbate with any regularity?

·         Do you think you’d know an orgasm if you had one?

The first question is important because, particularly for women, many who have never had an orgasm simply need the right information, encouragement and permission.

If you’ve already had orgasms and now find you can’t orgasm, it’s probably not something as straightforward as knowing where to touch yourself and how. Not that one situation is more hopeful or hopeless than the other, they’re just different and the paths to orgasm may be different.

The masturbation question is important because if you aren’t having orgasms, it can be much easier to learn to orgasm through masturbation than through sex with a partner. If you aren’t comfortable with masturbation it can make the process a bit more difficult (though again, not impossible). But I would encourage you to get comfortable with your own body as this could be more than half your problem.

I recently attended a Brunch with Dr Ruth who openly spoke about the benefits of masturbation and understanding your orgasm.

 If you don’t know whether you’ve had an orgasm or not then chances are you haven’t – so keep reading.

The next step in helping you identify the reason you can’t orgasm. The best way to do this is start to think of the different parts involved in orgasm and see where the problem may be starting.  

• Is your libido in the toilet? If you don’t feel like having sex or you don’t enjoy having sex this may be part of the reason you do not orgasm.
• Do you want to have sex (the desire part) but find that once you start having sex you don’t get very turned on (the arousal part)?
• Do you want to have sex, get turned on, but find you can never quite make it over the top to have an orgasm (the actual orgasm part)?

Next, think about some of the more direct causes of not having an orgasm. Here is a list of some of the main reasons people have difficulty orgasm.

When Your Body Can’t Orgasm

Because orgasm is an event that involves so many systems in your body (neurological, anatomical, muscular, hormonal, respiratory, the list goes on) there may be physical reasons you aren’t having orgasms.

Reduced sensation as a result of paralysis, aging, or some medications, the indirect effects of chronic illness, some diseases, and physical effects of medications can all get in the way of orgasm so speak to your family doctor to either rule out, or discover, potential physical causes.

The good news is that there are very few purely physical causes of orgasm that can’t be worked around.

When Your Mind Can’t Orgasm

Many definitions of orgasms describe orgasm as equal parts mental and physical experience. So it makes sense that our mental state, both how we feel and how we think, can get in the way of our ability to orgasm.

In order to orgasm you need to be able to relax, focus, and concentrate enough to take in the pleasurable feelings. You may need some help from your fantasies for this one.

Health issues such as depression, anxiety, PTSD can all make it difficult to orgasm. Aside from these health labels, if you’re feeling very stressed out, very down about yourself, or generally “off” it can prevent you from experiencing orgasm.

When Your Relationship Can’t Orgasm

It’s not uncommon for someone to be able to orgasm during masturbation but have difficulty having and orgasm with a partner.

If you’re consistently able to have an orgasm when masturbating but never do with a partner, there may be one of few things getting in the way. The easiest one to fix is when the problem is one of sexual technique.

It also might be a problem in the relationship unrelated to sex with this particular partner.

While this isn’t necessarily the case, having an orgasm requires relaxation and trust, and if you’re in a relationship that doesn’t feel safe, or where there isn’t enough trust, orgasms may not come. This lack of trust may be unrelated to your current partner but rather a legacy from some other trauma including sexual or physical abuse.

Lastly, if you are having orgasms on your own but can’t with a partner it may be related to pressure or anxiety you’re feeling during sex with your partner.

How Medication Gets in the Way of Your Orgasms

Many different medications can get in the way of you having an orgasm. Medication can impact orgasm either through direct effects on your body or indirectly by making you feel more tired, reducing your ability to concentrate, or negatively affecting your mood.

If you can’t orgasm and you are taking any medication, check with the doctor who prescribes the medication.

How Sexual Technique Gets in the Way of Your Orgasms

The right sexual technique won’t guarantee an orgasm, but without it the chances of having one go way down.

Fortunately, the right sexual technique to achieve an orgasm isn’t rocket science. What’s needed is the right amount of stimulation, in the right area, and of the right kind.

Once you know how to give yourself an orgasm it’s just a question of taking that learning into your sexual relationship with a partner.

How Society Gets in the Way of Your Orgasms

This may be one of most subtle influences on your ability to orgasm but it can still have a powerful effect. Here are just a few of the ways that society and the culture around you influence your ability to experience orgasm:

·         Quality and amount of sex education you receive

·         Messages you were raised with and contend with today about your body

·         Values and beliefs about sexual health and sexual pleasure

·         Values and beliefs about sexuality and gender

The impact of being inundated by sex negative messages should not be ignored when considering why you may not be having orgasms.

This is particularly true for women who are routinely told that “good girls” aren’t sexual and that they must hide or be ashamed of their sexual desire and power.

Tomorrow in Part 2, I'll share some tips and techniques on how to get yourself to orgasm! 

Do you know the difference between love & lust?

Do you know the difference between LOVE & LUST?

Girls believe in love and are taught that lust is for degenerates and girls you don’t want to be associated with. And so we think that Romantic Comedies are real life (like men believe Porn is real sex!)

We must teach our daughters to masturbate. I can hear the collective gasp from here! Really, still in the 21^st Century!

So let me state my case:

If little girls (and I mean from birth) are taught about how beautiful and precious their bodies are they might treat them with a more respect. Teach them body parts and DON’T cal her vagina her nunu unless you are going to call her nose her smelly welly and her hands her feely wheely! It’s a body part just like any other. The minute you have to call a vagina something else – subconsciously you are starting to layer shame.

Do not discourage her touching herself! It feels good, it always will. There is evidence of a foetus touching itself in intimate places. Now your daughter will probably do it in public and the secret is not to overreact. You have taught her to poo in the toilet. You have taught her how to wipe her bum – from front to back, but you cannot tell her that touching feels good and that it should be done in the privacy of the bedroom or bathroom?

And then respect privacy.

If your daughter is allowed to explore her body for pleasure with no shame she will start to understand that what is happening to her as her body develops and the hormones kick in – is pure biology! Not some magic created by a boy.

She will know that that gorgeous tingly feeling between her legs can happen to her alone. If she knows how to touch herself she will be able to deal with the urges, on her own. So when she goes to movies with some hormone raging teenager and he puts his hand in her lap and she feels that tingly warm feeling – she will know that it is her body’s biology and not some unexplained ‘love’ for the boy in question. So when he asks to ‘sick it in, just a little bit’ because she ‘loves’ him she can make a call based on real information!

Imagine the power of being able to say ‘no, it’s okay thanks!’

Imagine having sex for the first time when you are emotionally ready and it is a conscious choice – not because you think you’re in love – but because you want to!

So teach your daughters to masturbate. Safeguard them from what awaits and see how we protect them from STD’s, teenage pregnancies and inappropriate first marriages!

Gee Whizz - In search of the G-Spot

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