Orgasm Part 1

Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great!

Now that you’ve found your libido for the next 2 weeks we are going to talk about orgasms!

At Lola Montez we are often asked about not being able to orgasm. It is estimated that approximately 30% of women will NEVER orgasm. Just imagine that for a second – Never orgasm! How ghastly!

It’s important to know is that just because you aren’t having orgasms, and even if you’ve never had an orgasm, that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t have an orgasm.

There are many reasons why you may believe you can’t orgasm. There are many sexual acts that don’t involve orgasms. But if you’re goal is to orgasm, read on.

Start with the following questions:

Have you ever had an orgasm (this includes an orgasm from masturbation)?

Do you masturbate with any regularity?

Do you think you’d know an orgasm if you had one?

The first is important because many who have never had an orgasm simply need the right information, encouragement and permission. Remember girls are not encouraged to explore their genitals and in comparison to boys very few will masturbate.

If you’ve already had orgasms and now find you can’t orgasm, it’s probably not something as straightforward as knowing where to touch yourself and how.

The second is important because if you aren’t having orgasms, it’s much easier to learn through masturbation than with a partner. If you aren’t comfortable with masturbation it can make the process more difficult. Half your problem could be getting comfortable with your own body. Explore your sweet spots by yourself and even introduce a sex toy into the mix. This will usually persuade you that you are not broken!

I attended a Brunch with Dr Ruth who openly spoke to a very conservative community about the benefits of masturbation and understanding your orgasm.

 With regards to the next question, if you don’t know whether you’ve had an orgasm or not then chances are you haven’t – so keep reading.

To help identify the reason you can’t orgasm is to look at orgasm in different parts and then see where the problem lies.

Identify whether your libido is missing? Orgasm will be affected if you don’t feel like having sex or you don’t enjoy having sex. Read last week’s column about libido.

Do you want to have sex  (desire) but find that once you start having sex you don’t get very turned on (arousal )?

Do you want to have sex, get turned on, but can never quite make it over the top to have an actual orgasm?

Next, consider the more direct causes of not having an orgasm.

 Here are some of the main reasons people have difficulty with orgasm:

1              Your body can’t orgasm.

2              Your mind can’t orgasm.

3              Your relationship can’t orgasm.

Your Body Can’t Orgasm

Because orgasm involves so many systems in your body (neurological, anatomical, muscular, hormonal, respiratory) there may be physical reasons you aren’t having orgasms.

Reduced sensation as a result of paralysis, aging, the indirect effects of chronic illness, diseases, and physical effects of medications can all get in the way of orgasm. Speak to your sex positive doctor to either rule out, or discover, potential physical causes.

There are very few purely physical causes that can’t be addressed and worked around.

Your Mind Can’t Orgasm

Orgasm is mental and physical.

Our mental state, how we feel and how we think, can get in the way.

To orgasm you need to be able to relax and experience the pleasurable feelings. You may need help from your fantasies (the dirtier the better!).

Depression, anxiety, PTSD can all make it difficult. If you’re stressed out, dislike yourself, or generally “off” it can also prevent you from orgasm.

Your Relationship Can’t Orgasm

It’s not uncommon to be able to orgasm during masturbation but have difficulty having an orgasm with a partner there may be a few things getting in the way.

The easiest one to fix is the problem of sexual technique. And by easiest I do not mean it is an easy subject. You will have to put on your big girl panties to tackle this one so no ego is hurt during training!

It also might be a problem in the relationship unrelated to sex. It may be as simple as there is not enough body fat on the pubic bone.

Having an orgasm requires relaxation and trust, and if you’re in a relationship that doesn’t feel safe, or where there isn’t enough trust, orgasms may not come. I must stress that this lack of trust may be unrelated to your current partner but rather a legacy from some other trauma including sexual or physical or mental abuse. It may just be how society has influenced your attitude towards sex.

Society’s version is one of most underestimated influences on your ability to orgasm.

Society and the culture around you influence your ability to experience orgasm through the quality of sex education you received. Messages you were raised with and contend with today about your body, values and beliefs about sexual health and pleasure. Values and beliefs about sexuality and gender. The impact of negative messages cannot be ignored when considering why you may not be having orgasms.

This is particularly true for women who are routinely told that “good girls” aren’t sexual and that they must hide or be ashamed of their sexual desire and power.

Next week we talk about how to fix it!

If you have any questions please email me Sharon@lolamontez.co.za