What you can learn from another cock in the room

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Open letter to an Eighteen Year Old.

I have a favourite word that I use often. It rhymes with suck so please feel free to insert it as an adjective or an adverb throughout this entire column. 

I am so angry I want to explode! I’m angry at myself first and foremost and then at a young girl whose life I could have influenced and because I was to exhausted after raising my own children, chose not to engage. 

I’m angry because I see another young soul think she is worth less than her brother because she has a vagina. Because she believes than men are entitled to more regardless of their IQ. I’m angry because she thinks the path she has chosen is well thought out, that she will escape mediocrity and all its charming allure, when all she has really done is chosen small.

This girl, like so many others is completing her matric this year. She proudly tells the story, as if to illustrate her escape from mediocrity, That in her group of friends, all 18, one has a baby, one is five months pregnant and five are engaged to be married! I hope that you are horrified! 

She thinks that going a small town, second grade university to get an insignificant degree makes her more equipped to deal with the world. If this was her only option I would agree. Getting a degree is a fabulous first step to becoming all you can be. But it’s not. 

She is probably going to get at least 4 to 6 distinctions. She has a British passport with a parent already established in the UK and has the opportunity to study abroad. She thinks earning R120 makes her independent and that I am completely stupid. She cannot see that she has taken all her potential and reduced it to the size of a pin head, if not smaller!

What really blows my mind (you are still adding on my favourite word?) is that her parents, who know better are allowing her to make this grievous decision.

We all experience fear, we all live in its shadows and we all make safe choices. At 18 we all knew better. Not everyone is ‘Sharon the Salmon’ as someone recently called me and maybe I should be satisfied with that, but I’m not. 

I am angry because I have failed her and her group of friends. A baby at 17! Are you kidding me? Where on earth was contraception? Where were the discussions about safer, healthier, less life changing alternatives? Oh I know- we don’t talk about sex!!!

Why are 18 year old's getting engaged? I’ll tell you why, because they think they are in love and want to have sex! What are these parents thinking?

How much do they hate their daughters (and the sons) to allow them to think about marriage at the age of 18? And don’t tell me you can’t fight love! Rubbish, this is about biology!

They think they are in love because they have no idea what their bodies are really saying. They are confusing lust with love and are going to make choices because they are ‘lus’. They do not understand that that feeling is a normal part of sexuality and does not need marriage to be satiated. 

Let’s not talk about masturbation as an alternative let’s rather let them learn the hard way. 

We have doomed them and thousands more to a life filled with –what if! It breaks my heart. They will have their 2.2 children and the white picket fence for all of 5 seconds and then the horrible reality of their choices will set in. One in a thousand will be happy the rest will stick it out because the ego is a stubborn task master. It would rather be unhappy than admit it’s stupid decisions. 

I am so sad. I wish I’d done more. I wish I’d been able to educate the parents if not the children. I am convinced that teaching children about sex and sexuality will empower them to make better choices. I believe that educating your children about masturbation and biology will teach them to make the distinction between love and lust, which in turn will allow them to make different choices. 

That little girls understanding their body and the world of possibilities available to them will make them better mothers, lovers, wives, businesswomen and that the world would be a better place for it. 

To the young girl in question, or if you recognise her in someone you know pass this on. 

You have believed the wrong version of yourself. You are so much more. Your future can be so much bigger than the small, safe option you have chosen. I weep, Oh Lord I weep!

Wet and Wild

Wet and Wild

When it comes to sex, the wetter the better, and with summer approaching, being on holiday, near a beach is almost all I can think about. Long lazy days, catching a tan, swimming and afternoon sex. Oh what I’d give for holiday, afternoon sex!

Ask anyone about fantasy sex and water is almost always close at hand. Think sex in the Jacuzzi sipping cocktails. Making love on a moonlit beach can be the height of romance for some. Personally I think it’s overrated with sand getting in places I’d rather it didn’t.

An underwater striptease game can be silly, playful and very sexy. Dressing up as a pirate and role playing a nautical fantasy could also do it for you. 

Wetness is an essential addition to any play, whether you need a little extra help with lubrication or not. A bottle of lubricant should never be very far from hand. Nothing distresses me more than women who come into the store and ask for a product to dry out their vagina. I’ve heard of women using bark or bleach to ‘clean’ their intimates. 

The vagina is like a self cleaning oven. It does not need anything to clean itself. It doesn’t require douching, soap rinsing or sprays. It simply needs an external wash with warm water and if you feel you have to use soap ensure that it is the most gentle you can find. 

Like water itself sexuality can be fluid. If I use myself as an example, my sexuality has changed several times. What I liked then, doesn’t work for me now and that’s okay. Sometimes I’m ice and then baby I steam! 

So let’s consider the possibilities of aquatic play and why so many of us find it so arousing. Water or liquid is at the heart of most sexual encounters. When you’ve had a hot, passionate session you should be left with a glow. I don’t think there is anything sexier, and the salty taste that accompanies the work out!

When it comes to sex, water is associated with many fantasies, think pirate or mermaid and what about the ultimate test of man – the siren who in Greek Mythology lured sailors to their destruction. Sea views are sexy. Showers can turn into steamy sexual encounters. Try keeping his eyes off a wet T-Shirt and a simple glass of water sipped and shared holds appeal. 

Getting wet is one of the simplest ways to heat up your sex life. 

In the early days of my exploration I had a water massage. Picture a warm swimming pool, you can be naked or not. The massage therapists usually work in pairs so you receive a massage floating in water with hands touching you on both sides of your body at the same time. The massage ends with you being held like you would a small child. I found the whole experience liberating and comforting. Had my partner been present it would have been very, very sensual. 

Our bodies produce all sorts of fluids while we’re having sex. From sweat to saliva and a whole lot in between so its not unusual that we find wetness and water arousing. 

I was brought to this stark realization recently by an anonymous caller. He sounds polite enough with his fake American accent. The question he leads with is ‘Do you sell masturbation gels?’ The first time i was very polite and answered all his questions and then I realized that he was either using my voice as part of his fantasy or it was a prank.  And then he called again and again! I wasn’t so pleasant the third time round, so when he asked me what the lubricant looked like, I just had to say spit! I now recognize his number and greet him by a nickname I have given him. 

My point is saliva. We share it, use it and it makes a frequent guest appearance in movies. Not my favourite form of lubricant which is why we sell so many varieties. You will find one for every occasion. Water based is best for toys, silicone is best for water and anal play and oil based is kryptonite for latex. 

There are several games you can play in the shower, bath, Jacuzzi or pool. In the pool, blindfold your partner and play a sexy come hither game of Marco Polo. Ice in the Jacuzzi plays with temperature and writing sexy fantasies on your partner’s back in the bath can lead some marvellous adventures. 

There is a jelly bath product on the market which you can either use in your bath or a kiddy pool – ever had a jelly wrestling fantasy. Or how about rubbing each other with baby oil and wrestling on rubber sheets or towels. The loser has to pay a penalty. 

And if you want to get really messy try some body chocolate using your partner as a canvas – then lick away the evidence. You may have to get rid of the stickiness with a sponge bath or steamy shower. 

Keeping your sex life steamy and healthy doesn’t just happen. It requires work, imagination and planning. The same goes for water play. You need to plan it, so stock up this weekend and get ready for making a splash.

LCS - Question 43

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Mother to Lover - Sex after Pregnancy!

My biological son is now almost 21 and I remember my pregnancy and his birth very clearly. I also remember how difficult it was for me to make the transition back to lover when all I could do was see myself as mother. 

Childbirth was a bit of a shock and although I have an older sister with four children, we had never discussed childbirth and would never have discussed sex. So imagine my surprise when I discovered that childbirth was messy! I arrived with cream silk pajamas and had to send my husband back for old T-Shirts. 

I gave birth naturally, epidural, no make-up and facing Sandton City! I tore slightly and required salt baths to heal. I’m no mother courage so I had domestic help and went back to work two weeks after. Just call me stupid for short. I thought Superwoman was more appropriate!

I had this working mother thing sorted except nobody ever spoke to me about how to get my lover thing back. I had to work that one out all by myself. 

Let’s start with pregnancy. Your libido may or may not be affected. You could be hornier than ever, the same or not at all. Your breasts will ache and all those hormones rushing around your body, getting you ready for the big day will affect you both physically and emotionally. 

And then the big day arrives and it’s messy. Really, really messy! It will feel like you are having a menstrual cycle from hell and there is just nothing sexy about it. You will feel like a milking cow, fat and exhausted. Your body has just experienced a trauma equivalent to a major operation and will need time to recover. 

This recovery period takes between four and six weeks depending on your own personal recovery rate. Your cervix needs to close properly and any tears or lacerations have to heal. Because these wounds are internal you will not be able to see whether they are healed or not. 

I recently read “Vaginas” by Naomi Wolf. In it she proposes that wounding during childbirth permanently changes the nerve structures of the vagina which could change the sensations you feel during sex. I can’t say that I remember it changing anything for me. 

I do remember being terrified to have sex again. Was it going to be painful, would I tear again, would my vagina walls have stretched so much that I would not be able to give or receive pleasure again and there was no one I could ask. 

So here are the answers: Potentially the answer is yes to all of them but with some pre and post birth care, not necessarily so. 

Kegel exercise leading up to the birth will ensure that your vagina wall gets back into shape far quicker than if you don’t. Keep those exercises up after the birth for continued strength. 

I believe it is incredibly important to re-establish intimacy with your partner soon after the baby is born. Not necessarily full penetrative sex but touching and maybe even licking. Remember that he is probably feeling left out. He was not part of the birthing process and I have no doubt that all your attention and emotional energy is firmly focused on the baby and now I’m asking you to give him some attention. I can hear the collective ‘all this and now I have to give him attention to?’ The answer is, Yes, get used to it. 

Men can also be affected by the actual pregnancy and birth, something very often overlooked. I had a friend who was present when his wife’s innards were placed on a table next to her body while they removed her twins. He admitted that he could not get that image out of his mind. He spent a great deal of time puking every time he thought about it. Another was so traumatized by seeing his special place of pleasure stretch and tear that he could not bring himself to have sex with her for months after the birth of their son. 

Maybe my parent’s generation had it right, let him pace the hall outside the delivery room. My son’s father was in the room with me but he stood at my head and could not see anything except my sweet angelic face. 

Restoring your post pregnancy passion will require patience and work. It is not going to come back on its own. You are going to have to give it attention. Waiting for that loving feeling to return may only happen when you check into the retirement village. 

You can speed up the recovery period by getting blood flow to the relevant areas. So guys if you want her back in the saddle, now is the time you up your technique and learn some genital massage techniques. It will help with the healing and lubrication and above all it may help her get her libido back. Just don’t expect to put your penis anywhere near her. Ladies this is the time you need to up your hand techniques. He just needs to know that you still desire him and that he is still in the game. 

I covered this topic in a radio show last week and received many calls from men or should I say frustrated men. They were all in the 6 to 12 month drought after the birth, with no passion reignited. If you are one of their partners it is time to put on your big girl G-String and start getting your groove back. He needs your attention and so does your libido even if it the very last thing you feel like. 

And when you don’t want to think about this: Do you want your relationship to survive? If the answer is yes then get to it and as an old aunt of mine used to say – Force yourself my child, Force yourself!