Friday, 11 December 2015

Some Myths Busted!





I am constantly gob smacked at what people will believe about sex. You can tell them anything and they will believe you if you say it with enough conviction. People just don’t think for themselves and will never question someone who they think knows more than them! 

Have I ever told you about the time I went off the reservation and had to be called off an ignorant bigot by my staff? We were at a wedding exhibition, exhibiting lingerie and bachelorette items.

I am always aware of my surroundings and know that as opposed to Sexpo children attend these shows, so I am very aware of what gets displayed. I make no excuse for what we sell but i do think that there is a time and a place. So the stand was tasteful, beautiful even. 

I was sitting on a chair slightly away from the stand when two women in their twenties walked past. One saw the stand and wanted to come over, the other grabbed her arm pulled her away and said, ‘Nee, Sies!’

Maybe I was just tired but something snapped and decided to call it. I asked her please to identify exactly what it was about the stand that she found so offensive. Was it the gorgeous silk gown? The pale blue corset or was it the date night box, massage oil, Bride to Be Sash or the book I have written called ‘The bride’s guide to Honeymoon Heaven

Her response was that of a coward. She didn’t mean it, she was only joking! And I had a sense of humour failure. I pointed out that by her actions she had not only shamed her friend, who could have been a potential client, but ten other people within earshot and I would really like to understand why. 

I was in her face and screaming, so she had to give me something and then it came out in all its bigoted glory. Sex is dirty, a sin, it’s not to be enjoyed. This she believed to be true. I asked where she got this information. 

She pulled herself up to her full height and announced that it was her religious belief. The comfortable go to when they think they know better than you. 
Unfortunately for her this is something I know a bit about so I asked her to refer me to the parts where in her Holy Book sex is sinful and forbidden. She admitted that she hadn’t actually read it herself but had been told and had never questioned, at which stage I was close to assaulting her. 

If she hadn’t read it, seen it with her own eyes, made her own deductions why would she just believe? I think I know some of the answer, because as children we are taught to obey authority without question. It’s the way of the world. It’s the way we control the masses. It’s so much easier to follow than to lead. It is the easiest way to perpetuate the myths. So let’s unpack a couple of my favourites. 

Let’s start with women shouldn’t or don’t enjoy sex and that if they do they are called every horrible name you can imagine. You know the ones men love to throw at us when they want to hurt. Bitch, slut, whore! 

Have you ever asked why? I have and have a number of theories but the one that stands out is that sexually empowered women are terrifying to both men and women who are less so. Somehow our power makes others feel insecure and worse about themselves. So let’s call them names that hurt. Shut them down, shame them and then we can feel better about ourselves, ‘Nee, sies!’

The next myth I would like to shatter is that you have to orgasm every time you have sex, otherwise what’s the point? Not only do you have to orgasm but that orgasm has got to be earth shattering. Really? Who has the energy?

Sex is so much more than an orgasm. It’s about intimacy, learning about your partner’s body and your own. It’s about learning your likes and dislikes, about giving and receiving pleasure. It’s a way to communicate and above all it’s about laughing. Think about it – there’s a lot of pushing and shoving and so few get it right. 

Which brings me to how we learn to have sex: Movies, both the porn and romance versions. Now for some ground breaking news, neither is real. Shocker, I know. Ever been successfully pinned up against a wall and had a mind blowing orgasm? Lies! Ever been able to maintain an erection all night long? Have you ever wondered how after a night of passion they get out of bed with coiffed hair and no lipstick smudge? It’s Hollywood Baby! Don’t believe it, it’s not real.

You may also believe that your friends are having way more sex than you. They know more about sex than you and will laugh at you if you ask. Myth! They probably know less than you and are thinking exactly the same thing about you!

So here is this week’s advise: If you don’t know, ask. If someone tries to shame you, call it. If someone tries to make you feel bad about yourself, your body, the fact that you enjoy sex, don’t enjoy sex or want to learn something new about sex, laugh and ask them exactly how they formed their opinion.

Ask for proof of the unsubstantiated myth. Most of what we think we know about sex is nonsense so please start educating yourself today! 

Friday, 27 November 2015

What you can learn from another cock in the room

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Open letter to an Eighteen Year Old.



I have a favourite word that I use often. It rhymes with suck so please feel free to insert it as an adjective or an adverb throughout this entire column. 




I am so angry I want to explode! I’m angry at myself first and foremost and then at a young girl whose life I could have influenced and because I was to exhausted after raising my own children, chose not to engage. 

I’m angry because I see another young soul think she is worth less than her brother because she has a vagina. Because she believes than men are entitled to more regardless of their IQ. I’m angry because she thinks the path she has chosen is well thought out, that she will escape mediocrity and all its charming allure, when all she has really done is chosen small.

This girl, like so many others is completing her matric this year. She proudly tells the story, as if to illustrate her escape from mediocrity, That in her group of friends, all 18, one has a baby, one is five months pregnant and five are engaged to be married! I hope that you are horrified

She thinks that going a small town, second grade university to get an insignificant degree makes her more equipped to deal with the world. If this was her only option I would agree. Getting a degree is a fabulous first step to becoming all you can be. But it’s not. 

She is probably going to get at least 4 to 6 distinctions. She has a British passport with a parent already established in the UK and has the opportunity to study abroad. She thinks earning R120 makes her independent and that I am completely stupid. She cannot see that she has taken all her potential and reduced it to the size of a pin head, if not smaller!

What really blows my mind (you are still adding on my favourite word?) is that her parents, who know better are allowing her to make this grievous decision.
We all experience fear, we all live in its shadows and we all make safe choices. At 18 we all knew better. Not everyone is ‘Sharon the Salmon’ as someone recently called me and maybe I should be satisfied with that, but I’m not. 

I am angry because I have failed her and her group of friends. A baby at 17! Are you kidding me? Where on earth was contraception? Where were the discussions about safer, healthier, less life changing alternatives? Oh I know- we don’t talk about sex!!!

Why are 18 year old's getting engaged? I’ll tell you why, because they think they are in love and want to have sex! What are these parents thinking?
How much do they hate their daughters (and the sons) to allow them to think about marriage at the age of 18? And don’t tell me you can’t fight love! Rubbish, this is about biology!

They think they are in love because they have no idea what their bodies are really saying. They are confusing lust with love and are going to make choices because they are ‘lus’. They do not understand that that feeling is a normal part of sexuality and does not need marriage to be satiated. 

Let’s not talk about masturbation as an alternative let’s rather let them learn the hard way. 

We have doomed them and thousands more to a life filled with –what if! It breaks my heart. They will have their 2.2 children and the white picket fence for all of 5 seconds and then the horrible reality of their choices will set in. One in a thousand will be happy the rest will stick it out because the ego is a stubborn task master. It would rather be unhappy than admit it’s stupid decisions. 

I am so sad. I wish I’d done more. I wish I’d been able to educate the parents if not the children. I am convinced that teaching children about sex and sexuality will empower them to make better choices. I believe that educating your children about masturbation and biology will teach them to make the distinction between love and lust, which in turn will allow them to make different choices. 

That little girls understanding their body and the world of possibilities available to them will make them better mothers, lovers, wives, businesswomen and that the world would be a better place for it. 

To the young girl in question, or if you recognise her in someone you know pass this on. 

You have believed the wrong version of yourself. You are so much more. Your future can be so much bigger than the small, safe option you have chosen. I weep, Oh Lord I weep!

Thursday, 26 November 2015

Wet and Wild



Wet and Wild



When it comes to sex, the wetter the better, and with summer approaching, being on holiday, near a beach is almost all I can think about. Long lazy days, catching a tan, swimming and afternoon sex. Oh what I’d give for holiday, afternoon sex!

Ask anyone about fantasy sex and water is almost always close at hand. Think sex in the Jacuzzi sipping cocktails. Making love on a moonlit beach can be the height of romance for some. Personally I think it’s overrated with sand getting in places I’d rather it didn’t.

An underwater striptease game can be silly, playful and very sexy. Dressing up as a pirate and role playing a nautical fantasy could also do it for you. 

Wetness is an essential addition to any play, whether you need a little extra help with lubrication or not. A bottle of lubricant should never be very far from hand. Nothing distresses me more than women who come into the store and ask for a product to dry out their vagina. I’ve heard of women using bark or bleach to ‘clean’ their intimates. 

The vagina is like a self cleaning oven. It does not need anything to clean itself. It doesn’t require douching, soap rinsing or sprays. It simply needs an external wash with warm water and if you feel you have to use soap ensure that it is the most gentle you can find. 

Like water itself sexuality can be fluid. If I use myself as an example, my sexuality has changed several times. What I liked then, doesn’t work for me now and that’s okay. Sometimes I’m ice and then baby I steam! 

So let’s consider the possibilities of aquatic play and why so many of us find it so arousing. Water or liquid is at the heart of most sexual encounters. When you’ve had a hot, passionate session you should be left with a glow. I don’t think there is anything sexier, and the salty taste that accompanies the work out!

When it comes to sex, water is associated with many fantasies, think pirate or mermaid and what about the ultimate test of man – the siren who in Greek Mythology lured sailors to their destruction. Sea views are sexy. Showers can turn into steamy sexual encounters. Try keeping his eyes off a wet T-Shirt and a simple glass of water sipped and shared holds appeal. 

Getting wet is one of the simplest ways to heat up your sex life. 

In the early days of my exploration I had a water massage. Picture a warm swimming pool, you can be naked or not. The massage therapists usually work in pairs so you receive a massage floating in water with hands touching you on both sides of your body at the same time. The massage ends with you being held like you would a small child. I found the whole experience liberating and comforting. Had my partner been present it would have been very, very sensual. 

Our bodies produce all sorts of fluids while we’re having sex. From sweat to saliva and a whole lot in between so its not unusual that we find wetness and water arousing. 

I was brought to this stark realization recently by an anonymous caller. He sounds polite enough with his fake American accent. The question he leads with is ‘Do you sell masturbation gels?’ The first time i was very polite and answered all his questions and then I realized that he was either using my voice as part of his fantasy or it was a prank.  And then he called again and again! I wasn’t so pleasant the third time round, so when he asked me what the lubricant looked like, I just had to say spit! I now recognize his number and greet him by a nickname I have given him. 

My point is saliva. We share it, use it and it makes a frequent guest appearance in movies. Not my favourite form of lubricant which is why we sell so many varieties. You will find one for every occasion. Water based is best for toys, silicone is best for water and anal play and oil based is kryptonite for latex. 

There are several games you can play in the shower, bath, Jacuzzi or pool. In the pool, blindfold your partner and play a sexy come hither game of Marco Polo. Ice in the Jacuzzi plays with temperature and writing sexy fantasies on your partner’s back in the bath can lead some marvellous adventures. 

There is a jelly bath product on the market which you can either use in your bath or a kiddy pool – ever had a jelly wrestling fantasy. Or how about rubbing each other with baby oil and wrestling on rubber sheets or towels. The loser has to pay a penalty. 

And if you want to get really messy try some body chocolate using your partner as a canvas – then lick away the evidence. You may have to get rid of the stickiness with a sponge bath or steamy shower. 

Keeping your sex life steamy and healthy doesn’t just happen. It requires work, imagination and planning. The same goes for water play. You need to plan it, so stock up this weekend and get ready for making a splash.