Bondassage

7 February 2015

Play Together - pg 14

I love watching people’s faces when they ask me what I do. ‘I’m in the sex industry’ – count 1,2,3. They’re either thinking she’s too old to be a hooker – maybe the Madam! Then they either giggle and say ‘that’s interesting’ and move away or I’ve given them permission to talk about sex.

The reality is that I’m neither a hooker nor a Madam. I consider myself a relationship engineer and I talk about sex a lot, and this is what this column is all about – sex and relationships. So if you don’t want to read about sex now is the time to stop reading.

This February there is a huge hype about 50 Shades of Grey – The Movie. Next week we are sponsoring more than 1200 goody bags for a variety of Premiers. Love it or hate it, 50 Shades has opened the discussion about BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, Sadism & Masochism).

Some mistakenly believe that BDSM is all about pain. Some do enjoy pain and others don’t. I don’t. Smack my arse and I’ll smash your face – but I’m not opposed to a bit of sensory deprivation.

There is this new thing called ‘Bondassage’. It’s a combination of bondage and massage – now this appeals to my inner kitty. Prrr.

Learning the art of Bondassage will open up new aspects of your sensual side. Created in 2008 by a massage therapist Jaelee Bennis, the play involves mild restraint and sensory deprivation. Bondassage requires honest communication, sensual massage and basic bondage. It brings BDSM play out of the dungeons and into a warm, candle lit bedroom. It makes this kind of play accessible for anyone with a healthy curiosity about love, sexual energy and self awareness.

This type of play and intimacy doesn’t just happen. It requires intention, preparation and communication. You have to have a pre play discussion. You cannot just arrive with your whips and chains. Your partner will run screaming to Sandton City. During the pre play discussion you’ll talk about possibilities, soft and hard limits and don’t forget your safe word. (It’s the word you use when you want play to stop immediately).

You’ve had the conversation, now you have to the play. Prepare the room. Room temperature is important, remember one or both of you will be naked. You will also need the following goodies for your play: sheets, you may not want to use your expensive Egyptian Cotton Sheets. Towels, wet and dry, warm massage oil, try a massage candle or coconut oil, bondage gear and toys. If you’re a beginner, I would avoid rope. It can be tied too tight or you could use the wrong knots. You don’t want anything turning blue. Soft silk ties, leather restraint or fluffy cuffs will all do the trick.

For sensory play you will also need: feather ticklers, fluffer (fur like mittens), blindfold, sexy foods, music and unthreatening sex toys (try a Pocket Rocket or Wand).

Prepare your playlist and check your headphones ahead of time. Wireless headphones are the bomb for this play. You’re going to use the music to deprive your partner of hearing you in the room. It heightens all the other senses. Choose music that promotes relaxation and doesn’t distract. You don’t want your partner singing along to Abba. Check that your iPod is charged and ready.  Adjust the sound levels – you don’t want bleeding ears. Make sure everything works – like a sound check at a concert.

Great lighting makes anyone with hail damage feel more comfortable about being naked. So turn the lights down if you can, light candles if you can’t. Thinking about it now, candles are probably a better option with all the load shedding. With that in mind keep a torch handy. You may need it to undo the knots if Eskom does oblige.

Additional supplies you might find useful: lubricant, safe sex barriers – condoms, latex gloves, dental dams (check if your partner has a latex allergy), tissues, wet wipes, safety scissors, water, finger foods like chocolate, fresh fruit, sherbet, all part of sensory play. Pillows to make your partner more comfortable and a warm blanket for after play cuddles. Check your hands and nails, you don’t want a hang nail catching on a naughty bit.

Introduce your partner to the playroom. Everything is already set up. You don’t want to keep popping out of the room to collect something else you’ve forgotten. Your partner then takes their place on the bed. Restrain to a level that is comfortable, wrists, arms, legs. Blindfold and apply the headphones, check that your partner is comfortable.

Now all you need are some basic massage moves. Explore your partner’s erogenous zones. The entire body from the outside edge of the little finger, to the nape of the neck, are all hot spots. Avoid the three primary erogenous zones, breasts and nipples, mouth and genitals. Leave them for last. If you don’t really know how to massage just remember to use your whole hand with long slow strokes.

Massage until your partner is completely relaxed. Let the sense play begin using the supplies you have prepared. The secret to success is – the slower, the better. Listen to your partner’s body and if the safe word is called – STOP immediately.

When the play is finished, undo the restraints, cover your partner with the blanket and cuddle up. It will take about 15 to 30 minutes to come out of the zone. This play is about pleasing your partner and increasing intimacy, not about getting your rocks off, although more often than not, you will be rewarded.

Be safe and sexy till next week.