Love it or hate it Valentine’s Day is here again and if you’re in a relationship let me give you a heads up… You may be doomed if you do but you are definitely damned if you don’t!

I don’t care if your partner says not to bother, it’s a commercial scam, they’re not romantic - make an effort. It doesn’t have to cost you a leg and an arm as my hairdresser Sam says.

I’m one of those unromantic women who couldn’t be bothered and even I feel slightly let down when my partner who I instructed not to do anything – obeys and doesn’t do anything.

So here are some ideas for Valentine’s Day.

This year Valentine’s Day is on a Saturday so it may be possible to let your lover sleep in for a little longer. Make breakfast, brunch or lunch. You can cook together or let your lover have the day off for an additional spoil. My favourite – coffee in bed with a piece of chocolate. Try www.delish.com for recipes to make your mouth water.

I’d like the romance to last more than just a day and if you are really broke – why not make your own love vouchers, promising to do a chore, give a massage, act out a fantasy or do some sexual favour that you know he’s being dying to try.

Chocolate and flowers are always a win, I just object to paying triple for red roses at this time of year, so add a spin. You can purchase roses that are actually panties folded into a rose shape and how about body chocolate instead of the usual slab?

Personally I detest going on a picnic. I hate eating on my lap or on the floor. Why not still serve picnic food but set a table with all the romantic trimmings out in the garden. Feed each other, the messier the better. You still need a picnic blanket – weather permitting you can cuddle up and look at the stars otherwise build a tent in the lounge and snuggle if the children are around or a bit more if they’re not!

Book into a hotel for a night of hot sex and room service. Pack all the goodies you will need for a night to remember. Sexy lingerie, an Naughty Night Kit, lubricant, condoms, a toy or three and don’t forget to take some erotica to read to each other. It helps get you in the mood and beats having to watch the awful programmes lined up for Saturday Night Television. 

50 Shades of Grey, the movie is being released across the country on Valentine’s Day. If the movie has as much affect on women’s libidos as the books did then many, many partners, are in for a wonderful weekend. Because I’m talking about Valentine’s Day ideas I’m not going to address the various views about 50 Shades of Grey – that is a subject for another day.   

Write a love letter, with a pen and paper – you don’t have to be a poet. Just tell your lover why you love her or him. Is it the dimple in his chin, or that she makes you cottage pie when you’re feeling grumpy. If you really can’t write your own words, you can always copy out a love poem. 

Make something that symbolizes your love for your significant other. If you bake make a heart shaped cake, you get the idea.

Why not plan a weekend away? You’ve probably blown this one already so present the gift as an IOU and then pay your debt. Don’t just make it common garden variety weekend away – do something different, go somewhere you have never been before. What about staying in a tree house. www.treehouse-acc.co.za or www.pezulu.co.za/treehouses

Do something that he loves and you hate or visa versa. It will make you feel holier than thou and me may be able to trade on this for a while it might even get you some very special nookie in unexpected places. Think about something you really hate doing and your partner loves – Going to the nursery and then helping in the garden, sorting out the garage, browsing – anywhere, shopping for clothes and actually watching her try things on.

I know this one has been flogged to death but it is still a goody. Requires some preparation but can be pulled off with minimum effort. The long, hot, wet, bath. If you are really into it leave a trail of something leading to the bathroom, chocolate, rose petals, naughty notes anything that is easy to clean up afterwards.

Valentine’s day can be celebrated in many different ways, whether you are in a relationship or not. I think it’s the one holiday that has to include an orgasm at the very least. Play if only for 10 minutes it will do you the world of good.

Keeping Romance Alive - Week 23

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and if you've been following our advise for the past 23 Weeks it won't matter what you do you'll be getting all the romance you need. 

Hopefully you've been to the Lola Montez Boutique and purchased some fun toys for tomorrow! 

Having said that here is our romantic tip Week 23

Week 23 
Daytime or nigh time have dinner or lunch on a rooftop somewhere.  Spread a picnic and make sure you won’t be disturbed.

Bondassage

7 February 2015

Play Together - pg 14

I love watching people’s faces when they ask me what I do. ‘I’m in the sex industry’ – count 1,2,3. They’re either thinking she’s too old to be a hooker – maybe the Madam! Then they either giggle and say ‘that’s interesting’ and move away or I’ve given them permission to talk about sex.

The reality is that I’m neither a hooker nor a Madam. I consider myself a relationship engineer and I talk about sex a lot, and this is what this column is all about – sex and relationships. So if you don’t want to read about sex now is the time to stop reading.

This February there is a huge hype about 50 Shades of Grey – The Movie. Next week we are sponsoring more than 1200 goody bags for a variety of Premiers. Love it or hate it, 50 Shades has opened the discussion about BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, Sadism & Masochism).

Some mistakenly believe that BDSM is all about pain. Some do enjoy pain and others don’t. I don’t. Smack my arse and I’ll smash your face – but I’m not opposed to a bit of sensory deprivation.

There is this new thing called ‘Bondassage’. It’s a combination of bondage and massage – now this appeals to my inner kitty. Prrr.

Learning the art of Bondassage will open up new aspects of your sensual side. Created in 2008 by a massage therapist Jaelee Bennis, the play involves mild restraint and sensory deprivation. Bondassage requires honest communication, sensual massage and basic bondage. It brings BDSM play out of the dungeons and into a warm, candle lit bedroom. It makes this kind of play accessible for anyone with a healthy curiosity about love, sexual energy and self awareness.

This type of play and intimacy doesn’t just happen. It requires intention, preparation and communication. You have to have a pre play discussion. You cannot just arrive with your whips and chains. Your partner will run screaming to Sandton City. During the pre play discussion you’ll talk about possibilities, soft and hard limits and don’t forget your safe word. (It’s the word you use when you want play to stop immediately).

You’ve had the conversation, now you have to the play. Prepare the room. Room temperature is important, remember one or both of you will be naked. You will also need the following goodies for your play: sheets, you may not want to use your expensive Egyptian Cotton Sheets. Towels, wet and dry, warm massage oil, try a massage candle or coconut oil, bondage gear and toys. If you’re a beginner, I would avoid rope. It can be tied too tight or you could use the wrong knots. You don’t want anything turning blue. Soft silk ties, leather restraint or fluffy cuffs will all do the trick.

For sensory play you will also need: feather ticklers, fluffer (fur like mittens), blindfold, sexy foods, music and unthreatening sex toys (try a Pocket Rocket or Wand).

Prepare your playlist and check your headphones ahead of time. Wireless headphones are the bomb for this play. You’re going to use the music to deprive your partner of hearing you in the room. It heightens all the other senses. Choose music that promotes relaxation and doesn’t distract. You don’t want your partner singing along to Abba. Check that your iPod is charged and ready.  Adjust the sound levels – you don’t want bleeding ears. Make sure everything works – like a sound check at a concert.

Great lighting makes anyone with hail damage feel more comfortable about being naked. So turn the lights down if you can, light candles if you can’t. Thinking about it now, candles are probably a better option with all the load shedding. With that in mind keep a torch handy. You may need it to undo the knots if Eskom does oblige.

Additional supplies you might find useful: lubricant, safe sex barriers – condoms, latex gloves, dental dams (check if your partner has a latex allergy), tissues, wet wipes, safety scissors, water, finger foods like chocolate, fresh fruit, sherbet, all part of sensory play. Pillows to make your partner more comfortable and a warm blanket for after play cuddles. Check your hands and nails, you don’t want a hang nail catching on a naughty bit.

Introduce your partner to the playroom. Everything is already set up. You don’t want to keep popping out of the room to collect something else you’ve forgotten. Your partner then takes their place on the bed. Restrain to a level that is comfortable, wrists, arms, legs. Blindfold and apply the headphones, check that your partner is comfortable.

Now all you need are some basic massage moves. Explore your partner’s erogenous zones. The entire body from the outside edge of the little finger, to the nape of the neck, are all hot spots. Avoid the three primary erogenous zones, breasts and nipples, mouth and genitals. Leave them for last. If you don’t really know how to massage just remember to use your whole hand with long slow strokes.

Massage until your partner is completely relaxed. Let the sense play begin using the supplies you have prepared. The secret to success is – the slower, the better. Listen to your partner’s body and if the safe word is called – STOP immediately.

When the play is finished, undo the restraints, cover your partner with the blanket and cuddle up. It will take about 15 to 30 minutes to come out of the zone. This play is about pleasing your partner and increasing intimacy, not about getting your rocks off, although more often than not, you will be rewarded.

Be safe and sexy till next week.

Romantic Date - Loving Lunches

Loving Lunches

If you can't have lunch with your partner in person, be there in spirit. 

Once a week or whenever they need a pick me up pack a special bag of lunch with their favourite food, a love note and an extra treat (sexy photo etc). 

Romantic Date - Strangers in the Night

Strangers in the Night

Arrange to meet with your partner at a specific time and place: a bar, a park, a museum - ideally a location that neither of you is used to. 

Create new identities for yourselves and pretend you've never seen each other before. Dress to fit your character. 

Initiate flirting by sending each other a drink or approaching with a pick up line. Have fun playing 20 questions to find out about their identity. If you like this new person consider asking them out for dinner or to do some activity you've never tried together. 

If you really like these characters bring them out to play again.

Romantic Date 24 - Be a kid again

Kidding Around

Plan a date where the two of you get to be kids again. 

Go to a playground and push each other on the swings and merry-go-round. Climb the jungle gym, play hopscotch, jump rope or walk using stilts. get a big pad of paper and crayons and draw each other. 

Trade stories about your childhood: What were your favourite toys, which teachers did you like best and what kind of trouble did you get into. Pack your favourite childhood snacks. My personal favourite is -Flings and Fizzers!

Romantic Date 23 - Camping?

Set up camp

Camping with your partner can be romantic but who says you need to leave home to do it? 

If you aren't the outdoor adventure type or just don't have time to get to the great out doors build a tent out of sheets and chairs in your living room. 

Make s'mores, play a CD of nature sounds as background music. Share a sleeping bag or blankets. Turn out the lights, light candles or use flashlights. Watch a scary movie, make up ghost stories and hold each other tight. 

Romantic Date 20 - Thrill Seekers

Thrill Seekers

Break out of the dinner and a movie routine and plan a daring date. 

Try a trapeze class, climb a volcano, ride the biggest roller coaster, take a weekend wilderness survival course, go white-water kayaking or sign up for a daylong race car driving session. 

Stepping out of your comfort zone and trying something new together will give your relationship a real adrenalin rush - and a hint of danger can be very sexy. 

Romantic Date 19 - Strawberries and Cream

Tutti Frutti

Build a date around a piece of fruit. 

Go apple picking, drink cider and bake a pie with your bounty. 

Attend a grape crush at a vineyard. Carve pumpkins together. Make fresh lemonade and sip them from a tall glass on the patio. 

Pick strawberries (there is a farm around Johannesburg where you can do this but I couldn't find the details, so please let me know) and eat them with pancakes or sugar or cream. 

Romantic Date 17 - Silence is Golden

Say nothing at all

Discover the sexiness of silence. 

Plan a date during which neither of you are allowed to speak. Figure out alternatives to verbal communication. 

Use your bodies, make up your own hand signs or scribble notes. 

Spend the afternoon in a row boat. Soak in a hot tub and listen to music. Go on a hike and pay attention to the sounds. Make notes as you go along.

At the end of the date break the silence and discuss all the happenings. 

Romantic Date 16 - Make a dream come true

A Dream Come True

Make your partners wildest dream a reality. I've always wanted to own a Tutu.

This dream could be something they've been talking about for ages, or it could be a childhood fantasy you learn about from family or friends - commit to making it real. 

Enlist whatever help you need but keep the whole thing secret until the big event. 

It's Valentine's day

Gifts for Valentine Day

If you have forgotten what today and have not even bought a chocolate - best pop in to Lola Montez and pick up a little something special. 

We have a variety of hampers for him and her. Guaranteed to ensure that you will get lucky!

Romantic Date 11 - Pieces of a Puzzle

Pieces of Love

Buy a small puzzle and use a marker to write an invitation for a special date on the back of it. 

Over the course of the week deliver pieces of the puzzle to your partner. 

The day before the date, send your partner the final piece to solve where and when the date is. The date itself can be a puzzling activity - go to a murder mystery dinner, a costume ball or cuddle up and work on a giant puzzle. 

Romantic Date 6

Something to talk about.

We are always rushing off to do something and never really take the time to talk to each other. 

Now is the time - once a week once every two weeks or once a month it really is important. 

So set up a time just to talk - walk in the park, sit in the garden or curl up on the couch and TALK. Ban all talk about the children, sport, work or TV. 

So what is left you may ask? Talk about your relationship and life. Talk about what you like about each other, what you do well together and things you would like to do in the future. As you get more intimate you may want to share sexual fantasies that you were always to shy to talk about (Just remember the 3 drawer rule - read about it on the Lola Montez Web site). And don't forget to really listen. 

Romance is not dead.

Romantic date 5

Afternoon Delight

During a very boring work week meet up with your partner to do some sexy lingerie shopping - try Lola Montez. 

Change into the newly purchased items and then head straight back to work. You'll each have a secret to keep you smiling all afternoon. 

Romantic Date 4

Spell it out

Find a creative way to say 'I love you' - 

Perhaps you could use shells or golf balls. Or before a romantic walk or drive strategically place a sign along the route. 

Place a personal advert in the paper your partner reads, leave a note in the briefcase, lunch box or jacket pocket. When cooking use the peas, mash or fries. 

At bed time use rose petals - silk ones work best - available at Lola Montez. Mmm.

Romantic Date 3

Take it off!

Plan a night of striptease fun and games. 

Play strip poker or watch your favourite TV show or movie (even a rugby game works) and remove an item of clothing each time the character you picked says a particular word or phrase. You can pick an item (cell phone, gun, beach etc). 

Pop into Lola Montez and find yourself a sexy game if you cannot come up with any ideas of your own.

Once you are fully undressed move onto another game - naked twister or any other full body contact you can think of.

How to play and stay together.

Couples who play together - Stay together.

I've often wondered what it is that keeps couples together and I'm not talking about those couples who stay together 'for the children' or because they cannot afford to get divorced. I'm talking about those couples who beam and giggle and appreciate each other. 

I've watched those happy couples and here is one thing that I have noticed - they play together.

An outsider can see the electricity between them and more important - the intimacy between them. Emotional intimacy, commitment, trust and meaningful communication seems to encourage and enhance their sense of fun.

I've also noticed that each part of the pair is independent and confident. They both have equal power in the relationship. They can drift apart at a function and then come back together and there is never any doubt that they are there together.

I have no doubt that they can both spend time alone. Solitude gives us the space we need for reflection and growth. It gives us a place to think about how things are and what part we play in them. Respecting your partner's alone time requires trust.

And then you have to spend time together and I don't mean in the same room distracted and self absorbed. 

Set aside at least 20 minutes a day to connect and date night once a week. This is the time when neither of you look at your phone, email, messages, Whatsap, Facebook or Twitter. 

Sometimes I think we are more intimate with our gadgets than we are with our partners. I don't remember the last time I was in a restaurant when one or both of the couples I have watched have not been busy on their phone and ignoring their beautiful partner with them at the table. You will not die if you don't look at your phone for an hour or two!

Compliment your partner. I read an alleged quote by Brad Pitt, he was talking about his relationship with Angelina Jolie. He said that she was getting really thin, was slipping into depression and a couple of other things I cannot remember and he didn't know how to fix it. Then he remembered that he was married to the most beautiful woman in the world and he needed to remind her. So he started buying her flowers, telling her how beautiful she is, what a great mum, what a fantastically sexy wife and he took every opportunity to speak about her to everybody about how great she is. And she responded positively.

I think relationships can be really easy - Men want to be desired and women want to be gorgeous. Just imagine the fun we could have with our partner if this is how they made us feel. Just remember that words alone don't count - it's the way you say it and the things you do to support the words that count too.

OhmiBod Club Vibe

Make an effort. Stay connected during the day. Now you are allowed to play with your trusty smart phone. Send a message - photo - quote, anything that will indicate that you may be up for it. Buy a sexy pair of panties, a new toy from Lola Montez. Book a couples evening to learn a new trick or two.

Je Joue Mio VCR

Learn to give and receive love. We are usually very good at giving and very bad at receiving. I'm told that it has something to do with self esteem. 

Intimacy begins with being comfortable with who you are. If you are too afraid to reveal the true you you will never feel safe enough to discuss your desires or fears never mind sharing and playing out fantasies. If you are too afraid to share the vulnerable bits you will never be able to play together.

Don't ever make fun of or humiliate your partner. NOT EVER. The damage you will do to your relationship will be irreparable. Before you play you need to know you are safe and that your partner is going to laugh with you not at you.

Be silly together. When last did you dance in the rain? Lie on the lawn and look at the clouds or the stars? Picnic in the middle of the lounge with no TV? Have sex in the Kitchen or on the bathroom floor? Send the children to friends for a couple of hours so you can have slow afternoon sex? Well now is the time.

Every day this month I am going to post a date idea for you to try. Save them, remember them and by all means do them.

February is the Month of Love. May this month of love be a rebirth and a commitment to more fun because we all know that couples who play together - stay together!

Romantic Date 1

Anticipation:

Make a pact not to get together or if you live together not to be intimate - for a week! There's still plenty of time before the big day (Valentine's day).

Instead just talk, email and SMS.

Talk about what you'd like to do. Plan something really special for the end of the week - Sunset drinks with a view, go dancing or eat take out on the lawn. 

Having something to look forward to will always give you a thrill and absence can make the heart grow fonder.