Sexual Fear!

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Talk Dirty to Me!

There is something about talking dirty that really gets many of us hot under the sheets and yet few of us know how to do it well, a bit like sex really! I’m not talking laundry or dirty floors, I’m talking whispers, moans and an appropriate scream.

Talking dirty is arousing because when we hear the words we have a neurochemical  reaction. To be arousing it doesn’t even have to be that dirty. You can use words your Mama would have taught you and still get a reaction.

I think the reason we are so afraid talking dirty is because we are shy and we don’t want to cause offense. You could say something troublesome and if you really worked towards the tipping point - now you have to start all over again.

Talking dirty is a very intimate experience and it is important to approach the subject long before you get to the short strokes. You can say something like –‘I read Sharon’s column in the Saturday Star and she suggests some dirty talk to spice things up. ‘What do you think? Should we try?’  By your partner’s reaction you can gauge where they’re at.

So now you’re on the same page and it’s something you want to try your next obstacle is coming up with things to say. Sexy phrases may feel foreign so you might want to practice. In the car in the traffic is a good place and if you can muster up the courage try saying it to yourself in the mirror. I always find this gives me a really good laugh! There is just nothing sexy about me looking at myself in the mirror and saying: ‘My goodness you have such a big penis!’ I find it more helpful to play the scenario out in my head first.

One of the best ways to get into it with your partner is to ask questions. Something like: ‘What do you want me to do to you?’ The answer will help you gauge about how dirty, dirty is going to be. Is it a bit dusty or a full on mud bath. If the answer is: ’Take out the trash!’, your timing sucks and best you wait for another day.

Now if you are being asked the question, for heaven’s sake, respond positively. Remember what rejection feels like. It has taken all your partner’s courage to ask. The appropriate answer should match how dirty you feel – ‘Bend me over the counter, or smack my bottom, are appropriate answers.

Ask questions about how your partner is feeling. This gets them into the game, if this doesn’t work then work on compliments. Men are very insecure about the size and strength of their penis. So what really works is: ‘Oh my, you are so big, so hard etc.’

Women want to be gorgeous but have huge hang ups about their smell so be careful of any reference to it. We just don’t always like it. ‘You’ve got the most gorgeous ass/ breasts/ lips, will always work well.

When you are ready you can start using works outside your comfort zone, this is when you use the words you learnt on the playground: Dick, Pussy, Tits – you get the picture. My favourite of all is F**k.

You can also give your partner positive feedback. Say things like: ‘I love it when you run your tongue across my ….’

Sexy commands also work a treat. It makes you sound confident and in control. So grab my…, kiss my… are great. Again remember that timing is everything. This is not going to work if one of you is feeling like the other is being bossed around.

Describe sensations, notice how huge and hard he is. How it feels when she rubs her torso against your…legs!

Usually your language will match your arousal level. The closer to orgasm the dirtier the words.

A word to the wise, talk about which words offend you. In my world is you call me a slut or a whore I will ensure that your testicles become your tonsils. Now I do know women who don’t mind but talk about it and then do try to remember.

Which brings me to things you should NEVER say.

My ex used to … Well go back to your ex then

Is it in yet? Even if you are wondering!

Same for - Are you done yet or I’ll just do it myself! – Let’s just get it over with is a non starter and a romance killer.

You’re so wet works, what have you been thinking about because you are so wet doesn’t. We feel guilty enough about sex without you making us feel worse about a bodily function.

Do not ask your partner to change the channel or pass your phone, or say ‘Oh that reminds me, I must…’

Dirty talk never includes any talk about babies or baby talk unless he has that adult baby fetish.

At the beginning of the year I spoke about the idea of a contract similar to the one used by the BDSM community. I still think it is a good idea. You can set and negotiate boundaries without fear of offending or crossing a line you can never return from. If you’d like a copy of the contract you can get it off my blog www.sharongordon.blogspot.com or you can download it as a free PDF off the www.lolamontez.co.za website.

This week may your sheets be tumbled, the sex wild and your talk dirty. For more information, questions or suggestions please email me sharon@lolamontez.co.za

Keeping Romance Alive - The final week!

Week 25

It's been 25 weeks of romance and I'm considering continuing but I need some fresh ideas! 

Let me know which one's you enjoyed the most or whether you have any great romantic ideas to share!

Use glow in the dark stars to create a message that says “I Love You” over their bed.

That also brings us to the end of the month of Romance! 

Hope you got spoiled, loved and lusted after. 

Don't forget to let me know what you'd like to read about next!

Keeping Romance Alive - Week 17

Happy new year! 
Have you made your new year's resolutions? Broken them yet? 

If you are going to keep one thing going this year - let it be romance! And so we continue with our romantic tips. 

We live in a day and age where lives are busy and schedules are swamped.  The working day is also a little more versatile than it has been in days past, and people are working longer hours or irregular shifts.  

This can put a damper on your love life, but this should not discourage you from enjoying you and your partner no matter what time of day it is.  

Romance is not just for evenings anymore, and here we have a list of 25 things you can do during the day, or during the evening that will help ensure you make the most of every second with your lover.

Week 17

Festivals of any kind, food, jazz, wine, music, are always great inspirations for romance day or night.  Blow off some steam together!

Don't get married before you read this!

Sex and Intimacy Questions to Consider

With Your Future Spouse

I have to admit that these are not my questions but I think they are a fabulous idea and the questions really relevant. Even if you are already married and battle with intimacy I suggest you ask and answer these questions.

If you are the author of these questions please let me know so I can credit you.

Intimacy questions

·         What does intimacy mean to you?

o   Read and discuss The Five Love Languages. Determine what love languages you and your future spouse speak.

·         Do you think it is important to continue dating after you are married? If so, how often?

·         Do you find it hard to ask for and extend forgiveness to others?

o   To yourself?

o   Do you find it hard to receive forgiveness?

·         Do you know how to discuss differences of opinion in a respectful manner?

·         Do you and your future spouse view issues such as sex, finances and family planning in a similar way?

Sexual questions

·         What is your plan for your first night together?

o   Do you want to try to have full intercourse the first night?

·         Do you know where the hymen is located?

o   Do you wish to have it broken prior to your first night by a gynecologist or to break it together on your first night?

·         Is lingerie exciting to you?

·         Are you comfortable with your body?

·         How do you feel about being naked?

·         What kinds of birth control options do you have and which one would you like to use to begin with?

·         How often do you think it is reasonable for a married couple to have sex?

·         What type of lubrication do you wish to use if there isn’t enough produced naturally?

·         Which sexual practices do you see as unacceptable?

·         Which sexual practices are you uncomfortable with performing even though they may not be Unacceptable?

·         What are your views on giving oral sex?

·         What are your views on receiving oral sex?

·         Swallowing semen?

·         What are your views on anal sex?

·         What are your views on the use of sex toys, such as vibrators?

·         What are your views on masturbation while you are together?

·         What are your views on masturbation while you are apart?

·         What are your views on manually stimulating each other’s genitals?

·         Have you participated in any masturbation until this point in your life?

o   How do you feel about it?

·         What are your views regarding sexual activity during menstruation?

o   Is it to be avoided completely?

o   Should only intercourse be avoided?

·         Do you have any sexual complications in your past?

·         Do you have any sexual abuse in your past?

o    Have you processed the pain (through counseling if necessary) and become free from its power over you?

·         Do you have any fears regarding sex?

·         Are you aware of the process of how a female becomes aroused and responds sexually?

·         Do you know where the clitoris is?

·         Do you know what it does?

·         Are you aware of the process of how a male becomes aroused and responds sexually?

·         Are you aware that there is often a time difference between how long a female needs stimulation and how long a male needs stimulation in order to orgasm?

·         Why is foreplay important?

Free Romantic Tips

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Keeping Romance Alive - Week 4

We live in a day and age where lives are busy and schedules are swamped.  The working day is also a little more versatile than it has been in days past, and people are working longer hours or irregular shifts.  

This can put a damper on your love life, but this should not discourage you from enjoying you and your partner no matter what time of day it is. 

 Romance is not just for evenings anymore, and here we have a list of 25 things you can do during the day, or during the evening that will help ensure you make the most of every second with your lover.

Week 4

Take your love to the beach.  Before you get there, write a message somewhere in the sand for him or her to see. The sexier the better!  If it’s night time, light it with candles.

Sex on a first date and other nonsense! A RANT!

Sex on a first date and other nonsense!

This article appeared recently giving 7 PROVEN reasons why it’s okay to have sex on a first date. I read it and thought okay I guess they have a point but I kept coming back to and I know I don’t agree with a lot of it. So my comments are in red and I’d love to hear what your opinion is.

At the outset let me say that I have had my fair share of first date sex and in fact my present relationship which is now in its 12^th year started this way.(In my mind it was never going to be more than a one night stand)  So sex on a first date has a place.

I agree that is want to have sex, feel the chemistry, don’t care whether you will see him or her again – go for it. Because sex is sex, a physical act like going to the gym. BUT not everyone thinks like this.

I do think we have sex for all the wrong reasons not understanding the difference between love and lust. Often acting out of lust in the hope of finding love.

So - here goes.

7 Proven Reasons Why It’s Perfectly Okay To Have Sex On The First Date 

Nobody likes first dates.

They’re awkward, they usually involve some kind of drink or meal that you’d rather not share with a stranger, and there’s always that hesitant question at the forefront of both your minds: Are we going to have sex later?

Thanks to a lot of poodle skirts and antiquated ideas about dating, first-date sex has become a topic of controversy, with many of us still believing in the shameful stigma attached to it.

Despite our generally enlightened attitudes in this new-age hookup culture, we’re still viewing sex on the first date as a make-or-break moment, leaving most of us to agonize over what the right move is.

We’re so caught up in society’s expectation of us that we disregard our own personal desires. We’re too busy trying to decipher what the other person is thinking that we don’t listen to what we actually want.

Why put all this power and judgment into the guy’s hands? And moreover, why would you want to be with a man who judges women in this way?

Sex should not be viewed as an exchange of goods, whereby women give it as a “down payment” on a relationship and men receive it as a “thank you” for taking her out to dinner. And having sex on the first date shouldn’t negatively impact your chances of a long-term relationship.

So far I agree. Except if the guy you are with is a player because he will have sex with no intention of a long term relationship. And if want to add him a notch on your bedpost then go ahead bed him well. Who knows you may be so good that he just has to come back for more.

Let’s strip sexual activity of all its damaging implications and bring it back to what it is: just sex.

We’ve done the research and here it is, straight-up:

There’s nothing wrong with having sex on the first date. We’re not going to think less of you or judge you. We’re not going to slut-shame you. And you shouldn’t feel apologetic or guilty. If you’re feeling hot and you want it, then you should have absolutely no qualms about going for it.

Agreed – want sex have it!

And if that pep talk isn’t enough, how about this statistic?

A 2012 Singles in America survey found that 55 percent of singles reporting having had sex on the first date (66 percent of men; 44 percent of women).

Let’s just think about this statistic for one second – if 66% are having sex on a first date and only 44% are women – then who are the other 22% of men having sex with? Maybe they are gay – possible I suppose.

What the statistic does not tell us is how many of those one night stands turned into long term relationships? I’m willing to bet – not many.

People want to get it on, and they’re caring less and less about when it’s so-called ‘appropriate’ to happen.

Here are the 7 science-backed reasons why you totally have sex on the first date.

1. He won’t think less of you

A 2013 Cosmopolitan poll found that 83 percent of women believe men will think less of a woman who has sex on the first date. (That’s a lot of mind-f*cking, ladies!) But the reality is that the majority of guys, specifically 67 percent of those polled, maintain they absolutely don’t.

So we can now all put this common fear behind us — the numbers don’t lie.

I’d like to know how many of the 67% went on to have a 2^nd or 3^rd date with the same girl? Now do we care what he thinks of us – not really! But know why YOU have chosen to have sex on a first date. Because you are horny and feel like it or because if you don’t have sex with him he will move onto greener pastures? Guess what – he will anyway.

Perhaps that skepticism is coming from your own insecurities about having sex. “If you know that sleeping with someone won’t bring out your best or will make you needy, it’s a good idea to wait,” says Andrea Syrtash, co-writer of the book, “It’s Okay to Sleep With Him on the First Date: And Every Other Rule of Dating, Debunked.” “However, don’t wait because you think the guy will lose respect or interest. Wait because of how it will affect you.” – Halleluiah!

Your decision to have sex is your own; it’s not about him. Regardless, guys who are interested in you and want to see you will still follow up and pursue you — especially after they’ve seen you naked.

2. You’ll keep him coming back for more

Who says that having sex on the first date will turn away guys? Have you met them? They love sex! If you’re confident and enjoy what you’re doing, then they’ll be more inclined to return for seconds.

Do remember first time sex? It’s messy and awkward and never really a great success. So good luck with that – he may come back for seconds just to see if it improves!

In this scenario, having sex on the first date actually benefits you and increases your chances of a second meeting.

Remember too that men are pretty basic when it comes to dating and sex. If they like you, they like you.

As Jeff Wilser, co-author of “It’s Okay to Sleep With Him on the First Date: And Every Other Rule of Dating, Debunked” tells Cosmo, “In the history of planet Earth, no guy has ever said, “She’s awesome. She’s intelligent. She’s sexy, and she’s into ‘Game of Thrones.’ There’s only one problem.…We hooked up on the first date.”

Yes but he has thought – been there, nailed that – wonder what her friend’s like.

3. Cuts the sexual tension

If you don’t have sex early on, the pressure to have it builds too greatly. Each subsequent date becomes a constant mind-game of “Should I keep waiting? He’s taken me on three dates, should I just do it?

Maïa Mazaurette, columnist for GQ magazine in France, agrees saying, “Because Brits and Americans are wary about when to move the relationship into the bedroom it makes us more prudish when we finally get down to it.”

Ever heard of foreplay people?

When sexual tension builds, you’re likely to become more awkward and over-analytical about why it’s not happening. Think like a Frenchwoman and don’t be afraid to take a bite out of that baguette!

4. Chemistry is chemistry

Jeff Wilser says it best, “If there’s chemistry, there’s chemistry, and from the guy’s perspective, it doesn’t really matter if we hook up on date one or date seven.”

You don’t need to turn sex on the first date into this momentous decision. If you both are into each other, then there’s no good reason not to enjoy each other more.

Yup – but surely the chemistry will be there tomorrow? So make sure it’s chemistry and not better do this so he’ll love me or his gone.

5. They want it!

According to the 2012 Singles In America study, 41 percent of New York men regard sex on the first date as “very appropriate” or “somewhat appropriate.”

So don’t be hesitant on the guy’s behalf. Chances are he wants it just as badly as you do, and he isn’t condemning the act either.

MMM what a crock! Take one second and read that again – 41% of men in NEW YORK.

Let me say that again that is ONLY 41% in NEW YORK.

So 69% don’t think it’s okay in one of the most liberal cities in the new world!

6. You find out if you’re really connected

Sexual compatibility is important part of a relationship. By having sex on the first date, you get to establish that special connection early on. And if it’s enjoyable, it’ll only increase your attraction to one another.

“In this day and age, more people recognize sex as an important component of a successful relationship, not something to be ashamed of,” says Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a social psychologist at Harvard who studies relationships and sexuality.

“For those people, it’s important to establish sexual compatibility early on, and having sex on the first date may be the right move for them.”

Listen people I have had great sex with absolute morons who I would never have a relationship with.

Find out if you’ll have something to talk about on date 5 before you worry about sexual compatibility – and if either of you are lacking in the sexual arts it can be taught.

But a moron remains a fucking moron!

7. ….You get to have sex!

Even if you eventually find out you hate this person, at least you haven’t wasted your time. Stop stressing about how it appears and look on the bright side, you’re getting it in!

WTF!!!! Look on the bright side YOU’RE GETTING IT IN!!! Who wrote this shit?

Philip N. Cohen, a sociology professor at the University of Maryland, assuages all our fearful reluctance with some profound logic: at the end of the day, it’s not about sex, it’s about your attraction to one another.

HUH? Of course it’s about sex – is this not what the article is about – it’s okay to have SEX on a first date – or have I missed something. If I had to have sex with everyone I’m attracted to – I’d never get any work done.

All that matters is how much the couple like and are attracted to each other, which determines how many dates they have, and whether the guy calls back.

Absolutely right and no amount of sex on the first date is going to change that. Hoping that he is going to be more attracted to you because you had sex on the first date is just idiotic.

It appears that the first-date-sex couples usually don’t last because people don’t know each other very well on first dates and they have a high rate of failure regardless of sex.

No shit Batman! So tell me again why there are 7 PROVEN reasons why it’s okay to have sex on a first date!

What are you waiting for?

There is only EVER one reason why you can have sex on a first date –

You feel like it and you really don’t give a shit about whether he will respect you in the morning or call in the afternoon. It was just for you, your body, your ego, your choice. Now what are you waiting for?

  

Romantic Date - Blind Date

Blind Date

Blindfold your partner and take them to a romantic restaurant or surprise cultural event. Keep the surprises going all evening. 

Arrange for the chef to come and say hello and deliver a special dessert. Get a special bottle of wine. Arrange for a backstage tour at the concert or theatre. 

If you want an extra private date - swop houses with a friend and serve an extra special home cooked meal. 

Romantic Date - Let the games begin

Let the Games Begin

Stage your own Olympics of Love. Don your tracksuits and organise an opening ceremony in which you slow dance to your favourite love songs. 

Now let the games begin: Arm wrestle, hula hoop, limbo (how low can you go), or see who can kiss the longest without taking a breath. 

You can also include some more cerebral activities. Do a crossword together. 

At the end of the date award yourselves medals in an appropriately celebratory closing ceremony.