7 February 2015
Play Together - pg 14
I love watching people’s faces when they ask me what I do.
‘I’m in the sex industry’ – count 1,2,3. They’re either thinking she’s too old
to be a hooker – maybe the Madam! Then they either giggle and say ‘that’s
interesting’ and move away or I’ve given them permission to talk about sex.
The reality is that I’m neither a hooker nor a Madam. I
consider myself a relationship engineer and I talk about sex a lot, and this is
what this column is all about – sex and relationships. So if you don’t want to
read about sex now is the time to stop reading.
This February there is a huge hype about 50 Shades of Grey –
The Movie. Next week we are sponsoring more than 1200 goody bags for a variety
of Premiers. Love it or hate it, 50 Shades has opened the discussion about BDSM
(Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, Sadism &
Masochism).
Some mistakenly believe that BDSM is all about pain. Some do
enjoy pain and others don’t. I don’t. Smack my arse and I’ll smash your face –
but I’m not opposed to a bit of sensory deprivation.
There is this new thing called ‘Bondassage’. It’s a
combination of bondage and massage – now this appeals to my inner kitty. Prrr.
Learning the art of Bondassage will open up new aspects of
your sensual side. Created in 2008 by a massage therapist Jaelee Bennis, the
play involves mild restraint and sensory deprivation. Bondassage requires
honest communication, sensual massage and basic bondage. It brings BDSM play
out of the dungeons and into a warm, candle lit bedroom. It makes this kind of
play accessible for anyone with a healthy curiosity about love, sexual energy
and self awareness.
This type of play and intimacy doesn’t just happen. It
requires intention, preparation and communication. You have to have a pre play
discussion. You cannot just arrive with your whips and chains. Your partner
will run screaming to Sandton City. During the pre play discussion you’ll talk
about possibilities, soft and hard limits and don’t forget your safe word.
(It’s the word you use when you want play to stop immediately).
You’ve had the conversation, now you have to the play.
Prepare the room. Room temperature is important, remember one or both of you
will be naked. You will also need the following goodies for your play: sheets, you
may not want to use your expensive Egyptian Cotton Sheets. Towels, wet and dry,
warm massage oil, try a massage candle or coconut oil, bondage gear and toys.
If you’re a beginner, I would avoid rope. It can be tied too tight or you could
use the wrong knots. You don’t want anything turning blue. Soft silk ties,
leather restraint or fluffy cuffs will all do the trick.
For sensory play you will also need: feather ticklers,
fluffer (fur like mittens), blindfold, sexy foods, music and unthreatening sex
toys (try a Pocket Rocket or Wand).
Prepare your playlist and check your headphones ahead of
time. Wireless headphones are the bomb for this play. You’re going to use the
music to deprive your partner of hearing you in the room. It heightens all the
other senses. Choose music that promotes relaxation and doesn’t distract. You
don’t want your partner singing along to Abba. Check that your iPod is charged
and ready. Adjust the sound levels – you
don’t want bleeding ears. Make sure everything works – like a sound check at a
concert.
Great lighting makes anyone with hail damage feel more
comfortable about being naked. So turn the lights down if you can, light
candles if you can’t. Thinking about it now, candles are probably a better
option with all the load shedding. With that in mind keep a torch handy. You
may need it to undo the knots if Eskom does oblige.
Additional supplies you might find useful: lubricant, safe
sex barriers – condoms, latex gloves, dental dams (check if your partner has a
latex allergy), tissues, wet wipes, safety scissors, water, finger foods like
chocolate, fresh fruit, sherbet, all part of sensory play. Pillows to make your
partner more comfortable and a warm blanket for after play cuddles. Check your
hands and nails, you don’t want a hang nail catching on a naughty bit.
Introduce your partner to the playroom. Everything is
already set up. You don’t want to keep popping out of the room to collect
something else you’ve forgotten. Your partner then takes their place on the
bed. Restrain to a level that is comfortable, wrists, arms, legs. Blindfold and
apply the headphones, check that your partner is comfortable.
Now all you need are some basic massage moves. Explore your
partner’s erogenous zones. The entire body from the outside edge of the little
finger, to the nape of the neck, are all hot spots. Avoid the three primary
erogenous zones, breasts and nipples, mouth and genitals. Leave them for last.
If you don’t really know how to massage just remember to use your whole hand
with long slow strokes.
Massage until your partner is completely relaxed. Let the
sense play begin using the supplies you have prepared. The secret to success is
– the slower, the better. Listen to your partner’s body and if the safe word is
called – STOP immediately.
When the play is finished, undo the restraints, cover your
partner with the blanket and cuddle up. It will take about 15 to 30 minutes to
come out of the zone. This play is about pleasing your partner and increasing
intimacy, not about getting your rocks off, although more often than not, you
will be rewarded.
Be safe and sexy till next week.
