Don't rush it, sex is a precious gift!

 Continuing with last week’s theme I am going to talk about a couple of questions frequently asked by parents and children. The views expressed in this column are mine so take them from whence they come. 

This question gets asked more than any other when I am talking to children/teenagers about sex. I think the sex education children are subjected to in school and their peers is shocking. Sex is dealt with in terms of sperm and eggs, then they move into disease and rape!

The question most asked is: What does sex feel like? 

It’s a tricky question to answer because I don’t want to send them off to the toilets to try it out, but I’m also there to give honest answers. 

Sex is a beautiful thing when you are ready for it. Unfortunately peer pressure and the sexualisation of society makes us believe that if we are not having sex, there is something wrong with us. Nobody can decide whether you are ready to have sex except you! I believe you should wait if you’re not sure and then wait some more. 

Sex will be magical if you understand your own body. So my suggestion is that you should first understand your own body. Grab a mirror and look at the tools you have to work with. Then touch them, soft or hard, fast or slow, see feels good. Masturbate, bring yourself to orgasm. Feel the pleasure. 

Now understand that how your body has reacted is purely biological. It is meant to feel that way. Feeling that tingle when you’re in the movies with your girlfriend or boyfriend does not equate to love, it just means that your body is doing what it is meant to do. 

Do not be bullied into having sex to prove that you love him. If he loves you he should respect your boundaries and wait until you are ready. Think of sex as a precious gift, you wouldn’t want to give it just anyone, so rather wait and satisfy yourself. 

When you are ready, make it special. Don’t have sex somewhere unpleasant, like a public toilet or behind the shed. The first time will imprint your sexual journey forever, make sure it’s a great imprint. 

The next question is: When should I start talking to my children about sex?

When they are born!

Let me be more specific. Answer with the truth when they ask, but start at the beginning. Call body parts by their proper name. A vagina is a Vagina and a penis is a penis. You may be uncomfortable with the correct names or think it’s cute to call the ‘flowers’ or ‘willies’ or even worse ‘machine gun’!

The minute you call the genitals something else you cloak them in shame. They are just body parts. You don’t call fingers ‘feely wheelies’ or a nose a ‘smelly welly’ – so don’t undermine the genitals!

When you answer questions make it age appropriate. When a 3 year old asks where babies come from, tell them the truth. Tell them that a man and a woman can make babies by having sex, not that you can by them at a supermarket or that the stork does a delivery. You are lying!

Your child will believe what you have told them and when they find out the truth they will wonder why you lied and sex will take on an additional mantle of shame and guilt. There is a wonderful course you can do on how to talk to your children about sex in an age appropriate way. Let me know if you’d like the details. 

Lastly for this week, let’s get controversial questions out of the way. So here goes: is it okay to buy a sex toy for my teenage daughter? 

That depends on your daughter! Keeping in mind my attitude towards masturbation and getting your daughters to understand the difference between love and lust, my answer is yes, but...

The but is ensuring that she understands that men do not vibrate and nor are they able to hum for 40 minutes. You do not want to influence her sexual patterning but you do want her to be sexually confident about herself and sex toys. If I had a daughter she would most definitely have a cupboard full of toys. My recommendation is that toys for exploration and fun but let her use the hand for orgasm. 

I think it’s wonderful if you can have the kind of relationship with your daughter that you can think of getting her a toy, but first have the conversation about whether she want one or not and then bring her shopping. 

 As a great first time toy try Ammunition Bullet, Je Joue Mimi

If you have any questions or comments please email me sharon@lolamontez.co.za

Censored!

This is the article you were NOT allowed to read in the Saturday Star this past weekend - it was considered as too explicit! 

How to Choose Your First Sex Toy.

I keep hinting at why you should be incorporating sex toys into your play and with a bit of luck you’ve almost made the decision to buy your first toy – Congratulations!

I know that the next step is quite daunting!  You’ve browsed the sex toys, checked out a few buyers’ guides and now know exactly what a cock ring does, you may even have decided if you’re a clit or G-Spot girl, but how do you actually choose a sex toy for yourself?

Stores like Lola Montez, have made it ultra easy for you to choose the right first time sex toy. If you are close to one of these stores, lovely consultants will assist you and you will be able to touch and feel the candidates. If not the Lola Montez website has provided you with lots of easy-to-read and simple information on the product pages.

Size

Size is very important in a sex toy. It will depend on what you want from your toy? Are you a clit or G-Spot girl? Are you going to use your toy as a couple or on your own?

If you plan on enjoying clitoral play, then you’ll want something small in length and girth like an Ammunition Bullet Vibrator, WeVibe Tango or an Egg style vibrator.

If you like the idea of pleasurable penetration, then you’ll want something with a good length and a reasonable girth to it, like G Vibe or Natural Clone.

To determine exactly what size is right for you, consider what you’ve experienced already and what you enjoy most. Massive dildos won’t feel very nice to someone who has never experienced penetration and a slim Bullet Vibrator is sure to disappoint a size queen!

Shape

Sex toys are no longer phallic shaped monsters made from hard plastic (although they are still available and popular. Many sex toys have been designed by women and are ergonomic in shape, designed to fit your body perfectly.

These ergonomically designed toys are extremely popular. They are designed to fit the shape of the body and to fit into the palm of the hand – See Lelo Lily and the Love Stone.

When considering the shape of your sex toy, you need to know what you want it to do. If you want a mind-blowing clitoral orgasm, go for a simple classic vibrator where the vibrations are focused in the tip.

If you want to experiment with G-spot or prostate play then you’ll need a toy with a curve at the top of the shaft. Try the HipG, G Vibe  or the Lelo Gigi.

You have no doubt heard about the Rabbit Vibrators, made popular by Sex and the City. There are many different types on the market and are ideal for dual stimulation, G-Spot and Clitoral. If you look at the design you will see the shaft and on the side the Rabbit (or Bird or Dolphin). Usually the shaft makes a swirling motion (the further you bend it the bigger the motion). While all that is happening the Rabbit sits on the Clit area and vibrates. See Roger Rabbit or Je Joue Fifi. This toy is not for the nervous novice and the size may scare your partner.

We Vibe, Share Vibe or Vibrating Cock Rings are fantastic couple toys.

If you want to enjoy anal, then start with something small to aid insertion. Ensure that anything that gets inserted into the anus has a long handle or a flared base, as the anus sucks during orgasm and you don’t want to be having a trip to the Emergency Room. Try Omega Butt Plug or Jewel Plug.

If you cannot visit a store near you photos on the product pages allow you to see exactly what shape the sex toy is and where it is designed to go. By checking the different photographic views, you can easily decide if that sex toy will work for you although very often you may get a surprise at the size – too small or too big so it’s always best to purchase your first toy in person.

Power

It is actually possible for a vibrator to be too powerful.

If you’re particularly sensitive, then something as powerful as a Wand or Pocket Rocket is going to prove painful rather than pleasurable.

However, if you struggle to orgasm, then you’re going to want something with a lot of power and multiple functions.

The easiest way to work out the power of a sex toy is to look at the kind of batteries it takes. The bigger the batteries, or the more there are of them, the more powerful a sex toy is and the ones that charge or are attached to the mains, like a pocket palm usually pack quite a punch.

Reviews

So you’ve slimmed your selection down to a few potential candidates but what would really push you in the right direction are the opinions of real life sex toy enthusiasts so read the reviews but nothing beats trying it out for yourself.

I suggest that you have a couple of toys to choose from because variety adds spice and you never know what you are going to feel like for dinner tonight. Happy playing.

If this was too explicit I guess a column on how to have anal sex is out of the question?