Wednesday 29 July 2015
Monday 27 July 2015
Thursday 23 July 2015
Help for Sexual Fear
Shine some light.
Last week I wrote about sexual fears and how they affect our
relationships and intimacy levels. Sometimes these fears are so debilitating
that relationships do not survive. I know I’ve had one.
Do not be one of the casualties especially when help is at
hand, it does however require COURAGE! Admitting you have a fear is the first
step.
You bring years worth of conditioning, culture and failure
into your bedroom. Women are still expected to be pure virgins when they get
married and then they are expected to be sexual goddesses in the bedroom after
marriage. Worse than that, they are supposed to learn all these skills by
osmosis or from their equally unskilled partner. Little wonder our sex lives
are a mess and our fears debilitating.
Our fears can generally be divided into two major categories
– Emotional and Physical. Fear of letting go, intimacy, the inability to
satisfy, appearance, social and cultural disapproval, disappointing your
partner, lack of technique and a plethora of other fears all fall somewhere in
those two broad categories.
So how do we fix this? The same way most of the world’s
problems can be solved – education and communication, without the interference
of ego!
The very first thing you need to understand and accept is that
you are both equals and each of you has individual needs. These needs are no
less or more important than the other. You both have fears and they are equally
as scary.
If your fear is related to something physical like erectile
dysfunction, fear of pregnancy etc, then see a doctor first. Have the tests,
take the medication and if the condition persists then you can be relatively
sure that the problem is based on emotional issue. Any emotional issues mean
that you have work to do. This work will be done on your own and with your
partner. It is your responsibility to admit to it and work with it.
The very first lesson is – take it slow. This issue has
taken years to develop and is not going to evaporate overnight. If the issue
has been caused by some traumatic experience, sexual or physical abuse, rape or
some childhood trauma then I recommend that you seek professional help. Whether
that be a sexologist, psychologist or therapist – just get it done. Find
someone you feel comfortable with. You will not be the first and you definitely
won’t be the last person with this problem.
If your fear is related to inexperience, technique or myth
the journey will be much easier.
Find the source of your fear. What is it really about? Has
your body been conditioned to orgasm really quickly or not at all? Is this
because of something you were told, the fear of being caught or just pure
excitement or fear at the sight of a naked genital?
Take your mind off the problem at hand. Concentrate on
something else. How can you please your partner without the relevant body part
letting you down? Let me tell you there are hundreds of ways.
You need a comfortable setting. Your problems are not going
to be resolved on the backseat of your car. I don’t care how big the base
speaker is. Take it slow. Keep your clothes on. Kiss and experiment with a
variety of touches.
Talk about what feels good and what doesn’t. Don’t take it
personally. Be fully aware of yourself and your partner. This is so much easier
if you understand your own body and know how to please yourself.
Get to know each other first – old fashioned I know! The
quickest way to increase intimacy is to admit your fears. Laugh. When you think
about it sex is really funny and messy. It’s meant to be.
If you are suffering from the fear of penetration and your
vagina locks, experiment with other forms of pleasure first. Experience a
clitoral orgasm, often enhanced with the use of a vibrator.
Talk about why the use of a toy scares the living daylight
out of you. What do you think is going to happen?
Find out what can make your experience more pleasurable. If
you want to maintain an erection for longer use a penis ring. Find out how to
use it. If sex hurts because you are not wet enough, use a lubricant. If a
particular position hurts, don’t do it. If something makes your skin crawl,
discuss it. If you get bored, find ways to spice it up.
Fear , like mushrooms, grows when it is kept in the dark. By
talking about it, playing with it and working around it it will shrivel up and
eventually leave.
But as I said at the beginning, you need courage to shine
the light.
For any questions or suggestions please email me sharon@lolamontez.co.za
Wednesday 22 July 2015
Tuesday 21 July 2015
Talk Dirty to Me!
There is something about talking dirty that really gets many
of us hot under the sheets and yet few of us know how to do it well, a bit like
sex really! I’m not talking laundry or dirty floors, I’m talking whispers,
moans and an appropriate scream.
Talking dirty is arousing because when we hear the words we
have a neurochemical reaction. To be
arousing it doesn’t even have to be that dirty. You can use words your Mama
would have taught you and still get a reaction.
I think the reason we are so afraid talking dirty is because
we are shy and we don’t want to cause offense. You could say something
troublesome and if you really worked towards the tipping point - now you have
to start all over again.
Talking dirty is a very intimate experience and it is
important to approach the subject long before you get to the short strokes. You
can say something like –‘I read Sharon’s column in the Saturday Star and she
suggests some dirty talk to spice things up. ‘What do you think? Should we
try?’ By your partner’s reaction you can
gauge where they’re at.
So now you’re on the same page and it’s something you want
to try your next obstacle is coming up with things to say. Sexy phrases may
feel foreign so you might want to practice. In the car in the traffic is a good
place and if you can muster up the courage try saying it to yourself in the
mirror. I always find this gives me a really good laugh! There is just nothing
sexy about me looking at myself in the mirror and saying: ‘My goodness you have
such a big penis!’ I find it more helpful to play the scenario out in my head
first.
One of the best ways to get into it with your partner is to
ask questions. Something like: ‘What do you want me to do to you?’ The answer
will help you gauge about how dirty, dirty is going to be. Is it a bit dusty or
a full on mud bath. If the answer is: ’Take out the trash!’, your timing sucks
and best you wait for another day.
Now if you are being asked the question, for heaven’s sake,
respond positively. Remember what rejection feels like. It has taken all your
partner’s courage to ask. The appropriate answer should match how dirty you
feel – ‘Bend me over the counter, or smack my bottom, are appropriate answers.
Ask questions about how your partner is feeling. This gets
them into the game, if this doesn’t work then work on compliments. Men are very
insecure about the size and strength of their penis. So what really works is:
‘Oh my, you are so big, so hard etc.’
Women want to be gorgeous but have huge hang ups about their
smell so be careful of any reference to it. We just don’t always like it.
‘You’ve got the most gorgeous ass/ breasts/ lips, will always work well.
When you are ready you can start using works outside your
comfort zone, this is when you use the words you learnt on the playground:
Dick, Pussy, Tits – you get the picture. My favourite of all is F**k.
You can also give your partner positive feedback. Say things
like: ‘I love it when you run your tongue across my ….’
Sexy commands also work a treat. It makes you sound confident
and in control. So grab my…, kiss my… are great. Again remember that timing is
everything. This is not going to work if one of you is feeling like the other
is being bossed around.
Describe sensations, notice how huge and hard he is. How it
feels when she rubs her torso against your…legs!
Usually your language will match your arousal level. The
closer to orgasm the dirtier the words.
A word to the wise, talk about which words offend you. In my
world is you call me a slut or a whore I will ensure that your testicles become
your tonsils. Now I do know women who don’t mind but talk about it and then do
try to remember.
Which brings me to things you should NEVER say.
My ex used to … Well go back to your ex then
Is it in yet? Even if you are wondering!
Same for - Are you done yet or I’ll just do it myself! –
Let’s just get it over with is a non starter and a romance killer.
You’re so wet works, what have you been thinking about
because you are so wet doesn’t. We feel guilty enough about sex without you
making us feel worse about a bodily function.
Do not ask your partner to change the channel or pass your
phone, or say ‘Oh that reminds me, I must…’
Dirty talk never includes any talk about babies or baby talk
unless he has that adult baby fetish.
At the beginning of the year I spoke about the idea of a
contract similar to the one used by the BDSM community. I still think it is a
good idea. You can set and negotiate boundaries without fear of offending or
crossing a line you can never return from. If you’d like a copy of the contract
you can get it off my blog www.sharongordon.blogspot.com
or you can download it as a free PDF off the www.lolamontez.co.za website.
This week may your sheets be tumbled, the sex wild and your
talk dirty. For more information, questions or suggestions please email me sharon@lolamontez.co.za
Wednesday 15 July 2015
LCS - Question 24
24 When I first met your friends I …
These questions have been taken from a game called Love Conversation
Starters. Use them to increase intimacy in your relationship.
I’d love to hear your answers – please comment, share and
post. Visit www.lolamontez.co.za for
products, articles, parties and much more. Follow my blog to ensure that you do
not miss the #Loveconversationstarters #LCS.
Wednesday 8 July 2015
Wednesday 1 July 2015
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