Help for Sexual Fear

Shine some light.

Last week I wrote about sexual fears and how they affect our relationships and intimacy levels. Sometimes these fears are so debilitating that relationships do not survive. I know I’ve had one.

Do not be one of the casualties especially when help is at hand, it does however require COURAGE! Admitting you have a fear is the first step.

You bring years worth of conditioning, culture and failure into your bedroom. Women are still expected to be pure virgins when they get married and then they are expected to be sexual goddesses in the bedroom after marriage. Worse than that, they are supposed to learn all these skills by osmosis or from their equally unskilled partner. Little wonder our sex lives are a mess and our fears debilitating.

Our fears can generally be divided into two major categories – Emotional and Physical. Fear of letting go, intimacy, the inability to satisfy, appearance, social and cultural disapproval, disappointing your partner, lack of technique and a plethora of other fears all fall somewhere in those two broad categories. 

So how do we fix this? The same way most of the world’s problems can be solved – education and communication, without the interference of ego!

The very first thing you need to understand and accept is that you are both equals and each of you has individual needs. These needs are no less or more important than the other. You both have fears and they are equally as scary.

If your fear is related to something physical like erectile dysfunction, fear of pregnancy etc, then see a doctor first. Have the tests, take the medication and if the condition persists then you can be relatively sure that the problem is based on emotional issue. Any emotional issues mean that you have work to do. This work will be done on your own and with your partner. It is your responsibility to admit to it and work with it.

The very first lesson is – take it slow. This issue has taken years to develop and is not going to evaporate overnight. If the issue has been caused by some traumatic experience, sexual or physical abuse, rape or some childhood trauma then I recommend that you seek professional help. Whether that be a sexologist, psychologist or therapist – just get it done. Find someone you feel comfortable with. You will not be the first and you definitely won’t be the last person with this problem.

If your fear is related to inexperience, technique or myth the journey will be much easier.

Find the source of your fear. What is it really about? Has your body been conditioned to orgasm really quickly or not at all? Is this because of something you were told, the fear of being caught or just pure excitement or fear at the sight of a naked genital?

Take your mind off the problem at hand. Concentrate on something else. How can you please your partner without the relevant body part letting you down? Let me tell you there are hundreds of ways.

You need a comfortable setting. Your problems are not going to be resolved on the backseat of your car. I don’t care how big the base speaker is. Take it slow. Keep your clothes on. Kiss and experiment with a variety of touches.

Talk about what feels good and what doesn’t. Don’t take it personally. Be fully aware of yourself and your partner. This is so much easier if you understand your own body and know how to please yourself.

Get to know each other first – old fashioned I know! The quickest way to increase intimacy is to admit your fears. Laugh. When you think about it sex is really funny and messy. It’s meant to be.

If you are suffering from the fear of penetration and your vagina locks, experiment with other forms of pleasure first. Experience a clitoral orgasm, often enhanced with the use of a vibrator.

Talk about why the use of a toy scares the living daylight out of you. What do you think is going to happen?

Find out what can make your experience more pleasurable. If you want to maintain an erection for longer use a penis ring. Find out how to use it. If sex hurts because you are not wet enough, use a lubricant. If a particular position hurts, don’t do it. If something makes your skin crawl, discuss it. If you get bored, find ways to spice it up.

Fear , like mushrooms, grows when it is kept in the dark. By talking about it, playing with it and working around it it will shrivel up and eventually leave.

But as I said at the beginning, you need courage to shine the light.

For any questions or suggestions please email me sharon@lolamontez.co.za