Wednesday 27 May 2015
Sunday 24 May 2015
Touch Yourself
Touch yourself.
Sex and masturbation have had a bad wrap in past 200 years
or more. For some reason it has become associated with everything evil and
perverse. It has been shamed, misaligned and even classified as a sin and yet
it is still the only natural way we procreate and ensure the continuation of
the species. Now whether that is a good thing or not is debatable.
I am of the belief that sex is good for you. This includes
sex with your partner and masturbation.
I believe that it should be an important part of your
health, relationship and personal development. I also believe that you do not
have to have a partner to enjoy orgasm and that masturbation is a far better
way to go than inappropriate one night stands. It is also the best way to
discover what you do and don’t like and how to get to orgasm. It will help you
understand your body and assists in developing a sense of self worth.
We Vibe, the world’s best selling couple toy, recently
completed a survey in the US and I wonder how similar we are in South Africa?
They found that in the US people were most likely to masturbate in the
following locations: 41% - bathroom, 25% - shower, 19% - couch and 8% in the
kitchen.
20% said that they had masturbated in a car. The most
exciting news for me as a toy seller is that 82% reported masturbating the most
during the winter months and at night. So ‘Winter
is coming!’ now has a whole new attraction.
According to a National Representative US sample, 94% of men
admit to masturbating as do 85% of women. I laughed at the comments listed at
the bottom of the article. One in particular ‘The rest are lying!’
I don’t think we come anywhere near those percentages in
this country, especially amongst the female population. Little girls are still
shamed for touching their genitals and for enjoying their bodies. Watch a
YouTube clip in which ‘The Cliteratti’ talk about the myths surrounding
masturbation. You can follow the link to the clip on my blog, follow the link
on the www.lolamontez.co.za site.
We really should normalize masturbation. I used to find
saying the word a bit uncomfortable but now it just rolls off the tongue. Say
it aloud until you stop blushing.
Masturbation is the touching of one’s own genitals for
pleasure. It is something that babies do from the time they are still in the
womb and is a normal and natural part of healthy sexual development. You can
talk to your children about it and just like you potty train them and teach
them to use the bathroom, you can teach them to touch themselves in the privacy
of their own room or in the bathroom, wherever they have privacy.
If your daughters understood the power of their body and the
beauty of orgasm she might understand the difference between love and a normal
biological function. If she understands that that glorious yummy feeling is not
love, she will make better choices and more considered decisions. I am willing
to bet she will wait longer to have sex for the first time, will do so for the
right reasons and may not marry the first man to ask her.
There are so many myths surrounding masturbation that has
added to stigmatizing it. Myths that blow my mind in their stupidity. You’ll go
insane, go blind, grow hair on the palm of your hand or become infertile! All
garbage!
The truth is that masturbation is good for you. It has many
health benefits. For women masturbation can help prevent cervical and urinary
tract infections. It is because of a process called tenting and it’s too
technical for me to go into on a beautiful Saturday morning. In men it can also
help prevent prostate cancer, if you want to know how I can refer you to the
research.
It can also improve your immune functioning by increasing
cortisol levels, increases endorphin levels which reduces depression. It also
releases serotonin, the happy hormone making you feel healthier and happier.
Further benefits of orgasm include; reducing stress levels, reduces blood
pressure, increases self esteem and reduces pain. Just so you know sex should
never be painful and if it is you should see a sex positive doctor.
It is important to talk about masturbation openly and
honestly. Talking about masturbation has its benefits. It promotes sex positive
views in your home and community. It allows us to have healthier sexual
behavior and attitudes without stigma and shame and how can that possibly be
bad for you?
Thank you for participating in the conversation. Your emails
and questions are much appreciated. Should you wish to ask anything or suggest
a topic for a future column please email me on sharon@lolamontez.co.za.
Wednesday 20 May 2015
Wednesday 13 May 2015
Friday 8 May 2015
Orgasms - Part 2
Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great! Part 2
Last week
we talked about the reasons you may not be able to orgasm, this week we talk
about how to combat that.
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How
to find your Orgasm?
The right sexual
technique through masturbation or with your partner won’t guarantee an orgasm,
but without it the chances of having one go way down.
Fortunately, the right
sexual technique to achieve an orgasm isn’t rocket science. What’s needed is
the right amount of stimulation, in the right area, and of the right kind and
at the right time!
We spoke about
exploring your own body and masturbation last week. What you are looking for is
a safe introduction into the pleasure your body can feel. If you didn’t succeed
the first time – keep trying. Many sexologists will recommend a toy like the
Wand to help you discover where your body can go. The Wand looks like a large
massager and can be held on the belly button if your genitals terrify you. Once
you know how to give yourself an orgasm it’s just a question of taking that
learning into your sexual relationship with a partner.
So now we have identified some of the reasons
you cannot orgasm we can try to help you along the path to great orgasms.
The medical complications are the easiest to
deal with. A visit to your GP, tweaking your medication, sorting out hormone
levels is relatively easy to do although many cannot talk to their doctor about
the problems they are experiencing – it means you have to talk about sex!
We refer our clients to a sex positive GP we
work with and if you want her number just give the Lola Montez Boutique a call
on 0861 LOLAMO and we’ll refer you.
Sexual technique is another easy fix. We’ll
talk to you about trying different positions, learning new foreplay techniques
and how to communicate your needs to your partner. It does require you to speak
about what is going on.
Try watching Yoni or Lingam Massage DVD’s
available go to www.isexed.co.za to download some techniques or read the tips and techniques
regularly shared on my blog - http://sharongordon.blogspot.com/.
It’s when we get to the mental issues that
things get a bit more difficult to resolve. If issues are related to abuse,
mental or physical we urge you to seek professional help and again we have
several sexologists and therapists we can refer you to. We will also give you
some sound solid advise and homework.
Homework starts with you coming to terms with
your body. You need to start looking at yourself naked and while you’re at it
have a really good look at your genitals. The easiest way to do this is to lie
in an empty bath. Get your mirror and have a really good look at your genitals.
This is much easier for men than it is for women. For men your tackle is easily
accessible and you get to touch feel and look every time you go to the
bathroom.
For women exploring your body, get your
fingers involved. Find your clitoris and see how much it looks like a mini
penis. Pull the hood back, check your inner and outer labia (the lips). You may
need a bit of lube to make it more pleasurable. Check out your vagina entrance
and if you’re brave enough insert your fingers and feel how wonderful, soft and
velvety your vagina is.
If you are feeling too uncomfortable - stop.
There is always later.
Repeat until you are completely comfortable
with the process.
Then it’s time to move on – while your fingers
are inside see if you can find your G-Spot and then find out what makes you
feel good. Everyone’s body is different. Your special spot may be two fingers
up and one finger over. If you know what feels good and where to find it you’ll
know how to guide your partner.
Try to bring yourself to orgasm just using
your hand. If you can great – otherwise keep practicing.
See which rhythms or pressures please you
most. And then we recommend introducing a vibrator for extra pleasure. Try a
Love Stone, Egg Vibrator or Honey Bunny.
If you still can’t find your orgasm bring out
the big guns - The Wand referred to above. The shape of the wand is important
especially if you have preconceived ideas about vibrators.
We love it because its vibration is so strong
that you needn’t put it anywhere near your genital area to receive extreme
pleasure from it. And if at first you don’t succeed – just keep trying.
But don’t chase the orgasm just enjoy the
journey and the rest will follow. When you feel yourself starting to peak,
finish the orgasm with your hand because let’s face it – your partner is never
going to vibrate.
Now you know what you are looking for – it’s
time to introduce your partner to the party.
Show your partner what you’ve learnt and guide
him. You may want to introduce him to your vibrator and use the vibrator to get
you close to orgasm and then let your partner take you over – win – win!
With time you will re-program your body and
having an orgasm will be easier.
Remember your body goes through changes and
what works for you today may not work for you tomorrow – so keep exploring,
keep playing.
200 Orgasms a year can make you look 4 years
younger. Now there’s a reason to orgasm if ever you need one!
Tricky Things Threesomes
Tricky things threesomes!
Having a Threesome is a common fantasy for
him and for her. If he says he has no interest - feel for a pulse! So I think
it’s time to put our chips on the table and talk about it. I do this with some
trepidation because the last time I actually talked about Threesomes on Radio –
I got fired!
It is a safe place that filing cabinet, one
you can explore at leisure and without threat. Drawer one is filled with those
fantasies you have no problem sharing when someone picks you up in a bar.
Something like: You’d like to have sex in a change booth at a popular retail
outlet. Drawer two is slightly more secret and will only be shared with someone
you trust – these fantasies are more out there. Maybe something like: You want
to be tied up and spanked. Drawer three is the perverted and kinky (whatever
that is for you!) A caution – these fantasies you keep to yourself or they will
appear in the divorce papers eventually, but back to Threesomes.
What happens when you want to take it a
step or two further and make the fantasy a reality?
Whether this is your fantasy, his or both -
the first step is that you must both, unconditionally want to- there has to be
unequivocal spoken consent. As I said – threesomes can be really tricky!
I know that a threesome is only possible
for me with two complete strangers who I know I will never have to see again. I
am far too insecure and jealous to share my partner with anyone else. I don’t
care how sexy it feels or how much he wants to. But that is me. I know couples
who live the swinger and threesome lifestyle quite comfortably. They are happy
and secure and swear that the lifestyle has taken their intimacy to a whole new
level.
You want to?
Here are a few guidelines on how to get started.
Start slow, talk dirty, share the fantasy –
tell each other in detail what is happening. How you have picked the third
party, is it a woman or man – who is doing what to whom. With enough
imagination just sharing the fantasy verbally makes for an excitingly different
orgasm.
You could take this verbal route one step
further. How about some hot, dirty three way telephone sex? There are plenty of
numbers available on the internet, in adult magazines or papers. While you and
your partner are in the same room with the third party on the other end of the
line – this is a safer and very exciting option to explore the fantasy.
Been there done that and you want to feel
the flesh?
Make sure that you and your partner have
discussed this and have agreed that it is something you both want to do for
yourself not for the other partner. Are you both secure enough to deal with the
consequences one the game has begun? There is no right or wrong here – only
consequence.
Yes? Then the next step is finding a
willing participant.
You may have a friend that you both fancy.
Male or female. Sometimes this can happen almost effortlessly. Dance floors are
a great place to get the bump and grind started. If this is not an option you
could raise the possibility in a light hearted conversation. Keep it light
hearted because your friend may be hugely offended by the proposal and look at
you in horror, run out the door never to be seen again. If you see the friend
moving in this direction you can make a joke out of it and escape unscathed.
Our shop attendants often get propositioned
– but let me just add that they will get fired if they accept. We are not that
kind of store!
You could just pay for it. Arrange to meet
the professional in a public place first. You both want to view the goods. If
it meets with your approval you can move on. If not, have a drink, a laugh and
move on. This is meant to be a fantasy not a nightmare. Just remember to
practice safe sex – ALWAYS.
The easiest way is to go to a sex or
swingers club. The clubs are filled with like minded couples and there is no
need to feel shy or embarrassed. You and your partner can take your time to
find someone you both find attractive.
The clubs have very strict policies. Only
women may approach another couple, no means no and so on. You may find that all
you want to do is watch – and that’s okay to.
Once you have found a willing participant
the next awkward step of initiating sex. Remember that in many ways a threesome
is the same as a twosome. You all have to be physically attracted to each other
and equally into getting it on. You have to show respect and listen to each
other’s wants and needs. Whatever you do – DO NOT ignore your partner during
the experience.
‘A ménage a trois is best enjoyed by free
spirited, intelligent and artistic people with progressive minds and bohemian
beliefs.’ Ianie Speiser.
For those of us with less bohemian
tendencies a safe alternative is to introduce a life like adult toy into the
mix. A Natural Clone and a Fleshlight come to mind. You can have the Threesome
experience without another person actually being in the room.
My last word – always end with your primary
partner and do not feel guilty about what you have done, chalk it up to
adventure.
Wednesday 6 May 2015
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