Talk Dirty to Me!

There is something about talking dirty that really gets many of us hot under the sheets and yet few of us know how to do it well, a bit like sex really! I’m not talking laundry or dirty floors, I’m talking whispers, moans and an appropriate scream.

Talking dirty is arousing because when we hear the words we have a neurochemical  reaction. To be arousing it doesn’t even have to be that dirty. You can use words your Mama would have taught you and still get a reaction.

I think the reason we are so afraid talking dirty is because we are shy and we don’t want to cause offense. You could say something troublesome and if you really worked towards the tipping point - now you have to start all over again.

Talking dirty is a very intimate experience and it is important to approach the subject long before you get to the short strokes. You can say something like –‘I read Sharon’s column in the Saturday Star and she suggests some dirty talk to spice things up. ‘What do you think? Should we try?’  By your partner’s reaction you can gauge where they’re at.

So now you’re on the same page and it’s something you want to try your next obstacle is coming up with things to say. Sexy phrases may feel foreign so you might want to practice. In the car in the traffic is a good place and if you can muster up the courage try saying it to yourself in the mirror. I always find this gives me a really good laugh! There is just nothing sexy about me looking at myself in the mirror and saying: ‘My goodness you have such a big penis!’ I find it more helpful to play the scenario out in my head first.

One of the best ways to get into it with your partner is to ask questions. Something like: ‘What do you want me to do to you?’ The answer will help you gauge about how dirty, dirty is going to be. Is it a bit dusty or a full on mud bath. If the answer is: ’Take out the trash!’, your timing sucks and best you wait for another day.

Now if you are being asked the question, for heaven’s sake, respond positively. Remember what rejection feels like. It has taken all your partner’s courage to ask. The appropriate answer should match how dirty you feel – ‘Bend me over the counter, or smack my bottom, are appropriate answers.

Ask questions about how your partner is feeling. This gets them into the game, if this doesn’t work then work on compliments. Men are very insecure about the size and strength of their penis. So what really works is: ‘Oh my, you are so big, so hard etc.’

Women want to be gorgeous but have huge hang ups about their smell so be careful of any reference to it. We just don’t always like it. ‘You’ve got the most gorgeous ass/ breasts/ lips, will always work well.

When you are ready you can start using works outside your comfort zone, this is when you use the words you learnt on the playground: Dick, Pussy, Tits – you get the picture. My favourite of all is F**k.

You can also give your partner positive feedback. Say things like: ‘I love it when you run your tongue across my ….’

Sexy commands also work a treat. It makes you sound confident and in control. So grab my…, kiss my… are great. Again remember that timing is everything. This is not going to work if one of you is feeling like the other is being bossed around.

Describe sensations, notice how huge and hard he is. How it feels when she rubs her torso against your…legs!

Usually your language will match your arousal level. The closer to orgasm the dirtier the words.

A word to the wise, talk about which words offend you. In my world is you call me a slut or a whore I will ensure that your testicles become your tonsils. Now I do know women who don’t mind but talk about it and then do try to remember.

Which brings me to things you should NEVER say.

My ex used to … Well go back to your ex then

Is it in yet? Even if you are wondering!

Same for - Are you done yet or I’ll just do it myself! – Let’s just get it over with is a non starter and a romance killer.

You’re so wet works, what have you been thinking about because you are so wet doesn’t. We feel guilty enough about sex without you making us feel worse about a bodily function.

Do not ask your partner to change the channel or pass your phone, or say ‘Oh that reminds me, I must…’

Dirty talk never includes any talk about babies or baby talk unless he has that adult baby fetish.

At the beginning of the year I spoke about the idea of a contract similar to the one used by the BDSM community. I still think it is a good idea. You can set and negotiate boundaries without fear of offending or crossing a line you can never return from. If you’d like a copy of the contract you can get it off my blog www.sharongordon.blogspot.com or you can download it as a free PDF off the www.lolamontez.co.za website.

This week may your sheets be tumbled, the sex wild and your talk dirty. For more information, questions or suggestions please email me sharon@lolamontez.co.za

What men want.

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Orgasms - Part 2

Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great! Part 2

Last week we talked about the reasons you may not be able to orgasm, this week we talk about how to combat that.

How to find your Orgasm?

The right sexual technique through masturbation or with your partner won’t guarantee an orgasm, but without it the chances of having one go way down.

Fortunately, the right sexual technique to achieve an orgasm isn’t rocket science. What’s needed is the right amount of stimulation, in the right area, and of the right kind and at the right time!

We spoke about exploring your own body and masturbation last week. What you are looking for is a safe introduction into the pleasure your body can feel. If you didn’t succeed the first time – keep trying. Many sexologists will recommend a toy like the Wand to help you discover where your body can go. The Wand looks like a large massager and can be held on the belly button if your genitals terrify you. Once you know how to give yourself an orgasm it’s just a question of taking that learning into your sexual relationship with a partner.

So now we have identified some of the reasons you cannot orgasm we can try to help you along the path to great orgasms.

The medical complications are the easiest to deal with. A visit to your GP, tweaking your medication, sorting out hormone levels is relatively easy to do although many cannot talk to their doctor about the problems they are experiencing – it means you have to talk about sex!

We refer our clients to a sex positive GP we work with and if you want her number just give the Lola Montez Boutique a call on 0861 LOLAMO and we’ll refer you.

Sexual technique is another easy fix. We’ll talk to you about trying different positions, learning new foreplay techniques and how to communicate your needs to your partner. It does require you to speak about what is going on.

Try watching Yoni or Lingam Massage DVD’s available go to www.isexed.co.za to download some techniques or read the tips and techniques regularly shared on my blog - http://sharongordon.blogspot.com/.

It’s when we get to the mental issues that things get a bit more difficult to resolve. If issues are related to abuse, mental or physical we urge you to seek professional help and again we have several sexologists and therapists we can refer you to. We will also give you some sound solid advise and homework.

Homework starts with you coming to terms with your body. You need to start looking at yourself naked and while you’re at it have a really good look at your genitals. The easiest way to do this is to lie in an empty bath. Get your mirror and have a really good look at your genitals. This is much easier for men than it is for women. For men your tackle is easily accessible and you get to touch feel and look every time you go to the bathroom.

For women exploring your body, get your fingers involved. Find your clitoris and see how much it looks like a mini penis. Pull the hood back, check your inner and outer labia (the lips). You may need a bit of lube to make it more pleasurable. Check out your vagina entrance and if you’re brave enough insert your fingers and feel how wonderful, soft and velvety your vagina is.

If you are feeling too uncomfortable - stop. There is always later.

Repeat until you are completely comfortable with the process.

Then it’s time to move on – while your fingers are inside see if you can find your G-Spot and then find out what makes you feel good. Everyone’s body is different. Your special spot may be two fingers up and one finger over. If you know what feels good and where to find it you’ll know how to guide your partner.

Try to bring yourself to orgasm just using your hand. If you can great – otherwise keep practicing.

See which rhythms or pressures please you most. And then we recommend introducing a vibrator for extra pleasure. Try a Love Stone, Egg Vibrator or Honey Bunny.

If you still can’t find your orgasm bring out the big guns - The Wand referred to above. The shape of the wand is important especially if you have preconceived ideas about vibrators.

We love it because its vibration is so strong that you needn’t put it anywhere near your genital area to receive extreme pleasure from it. And if at first you don’t succeed – just keep trying.

But don’t chase the orgasm just enjoy the journey and the rest will follow. When you feel yourself starting to peak, finish the orgasm with your hand because let’s face it – your partner is never going to vibrate.

Now you know what you are looking for – it’s time to introduce your partner to the party.

Show your partner what you’ve learnt and guide him. You may want to introduce him to your vibrator and use the vibrator to get you close to orgasm and then let your partner take you over – win – win!

With time you will re-program your body and having an orgasm will be easier.

Remember your body goes through changes and what works for you today may not work for you tomorrow – so keep exploring, keep playing.

200 Orgasms a year can make you look 4 years younger. Now there’s a reason to orgasm if ever you need one!

Send your questions and comments to Sharon@lolamontez.co.za

What women want!

99% of Sex happens between the ears! 

March is ’Women in History’ Month so I thought I’d talk about what women really want in bed. Not what you think we want. If you’re only interested because you want to get your end away – stop reading now! Women are not automatically aroused by your penis or your wallet!

Laurel Thatcher Ulrich said ‘Well behaved women rarely make history’. I hope to one day we will join the ranks of badly behaved. My role models include Oprah, who said on television that 200 orgasms a year can make you look 4 years younger. Elizabeth Arden and Helena Rubenstein, both cosmetic moguls who were both multi millionaires before women had the vote. Besides that, they are alleged to have used vibrators in their health and beauty spas until 1936.

But what do women want in bed? Decent sex and fabulous orgasms for starters.

Every woman is different. What worked for your previous girlfriend may not work on your present one. Two reasons: Her body is different or your previous girlfriend lied. So if I ever hear you say ‘But my previous girlfriend liked it’, I will feed you human flesh – because Hannibal Lecter enjoyed it!

And if you come from the ilk that doesn’t care what she wants, let me remind you – Happy wife, happy life.

But here comes the kicker – not only are we all different, with different preferences, but just when you think you have our wants all nailed down, our bodies change and with it our sexual preferences.

One thing that doesn’t change is the need for mental foreplay. I’d say that it is even more important than physical foreplay. 99% of good sex happens between the ears.

You cannot shout at her over breakfast and then expect to get lucky when you get home to tweak her nipples. Speaking of nipples, they are NOT radio dials!

Much has been said about foreplay and its importance and still many don’t understand what it is, never mind how to do it.

So many of us are still stuck on teenage sex (quickly before mum walks in!) It is not – nipple , nipple, check if she’s ready. Yes we all enjoy a quicky now and then, but mostly we’ve moved on  and want a bit more.

I know I speak for many women here – can we please be touched, sensually, slowly, lovingly with adoration without you expecting an orgasm for yourself. We very seldom get touched without there being a sexual agenda and it’s exhausting. So please, every now and then let it be all about us.

So how do you go about doing this? I want to vomit when someone suggests you give her a massage! How bloody unimaginative, never mind that you have no massaging skill to speak of. What you need to do is long soft strokes all the way up the body.

Let’s start by identifying primary erogenous zones- genitals, breasts and nipples. These are considered prime real estate and are out of bounds until much, much later.

Next pick your timing. Just like you cannot really get into it when the Proteas need 20 runs off 15 balls, she is not going to get into it if Johnny is nagging for attention, groceries need to be unpacked and the dog needs to be fed! Help out is what I’m trying to say, it’s porn for women.

Start slow. Touch gently on places we rarely get touched, like the outside edge of the little finger. Avoid the Real Estate.

She will probably tense up immediately, expecting that now she has to give you an orgasm. Assure her that your penis is off limits. This play is all about her. Snuggle up to her, whisper how delicious she is. How much you love, desire and lust after her. Do this bit often, even if there isn’t time for a play session. Do it while she’s putting on her make-up, loading the dish washer , while you’re at work, then step back, go your own way and see what happens.

Shower together, wash her hair, write a message on her back – put your penis away.

If you want to be a better lover, pay attention. Listen to verbal and non verbal indicators. Encourage her to tell or better still show you what she wants. This will be really hard for her at first, and let me tell you why – we do not want to upset you! We would rather put up with your awful technique than bruise your ego. So grow up and don’t take offence.

Thing that instantly turn us off: Poor Hygiene, this includes bad breath and vrot teeth, dirty nails and body odors. Being rushed. We don’t like it when you’re drunk or high. And guess what – we don’t like routine as much as you do.

We do enjoy the act of sex, but don’t always expect us to orgasm. You have not failed in your mission as a man. Size matters only if the only sex you’re having is penetration and we all go to the loo afterwards. Not to get rid of the proof of you but to ensure that we don’t get a bladder infection, common after vigorous sex.

You must look like you’re enjoying yourself. Look at us as if it is your soul purpose in life to adore her body and make her feel wonderful.

Sex is a team sport so you have to have a game plan and you have to talk about what’s working and what’s not. So talk and don’t take offense – laugh, it is play after all.

Don’t forget to follow my blog for more tips on how to play, follow the link from www.lolamontez.co.za. Till next time – stay sexy.

Let's talk about Sex with our Toddlers

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Love it or hate it Valentine’s Day is here again and if you’re in a relationship let me give you a heads up… You may be doomed if you do but you are definitely damned if you don’t!

I don’t care if your partner says not to bother, it’s a commercial scam, they’re not romantic - make an effort. It doesn’t have to cost you a leg and an arm as my hairdresser Sam says.

I’m one of those unromantic women who couldn’t be bothered and even I feel slightly let down when my partner who I instructed not to do anything – obeys and doesn’t do anything.

So here are some ideas for Valentine’s Day.

This year Valentine’s Day is on a Saturday so it may be possible to let your lover sleep in for a little longer. Make breakfast, brunch or lunch. You can cook together or let your lover have the day off for an additional spoil. My favourite – coffee in bed with a piece of chocolate. Try www.delish.com for recipes to make your mouth water.

I’d like the romance to last more than just a day and if you are really broke – why not make your own love vouchers, promising to do a chore, give a massage, act out a fantasy or do some sexual favour that you know he’s being dying to try.

Chocolate and flowers are always a win, I just object to paying triple for red roses at this time of year, so add a spin. You can purchase roses that are actually panties folded into a rose shape and how about body chocolate instead of the usual slab?

Personally I detest going on a picnic. I hate eating on my lap or on the floor. Why not still serve picnic food but set a table with all the romantic trimmings out in the garden. Feed each other, the messier the better. You still need a picnic blanket – weather permitting you can cuddle up and look at the stars otherwise build a tent in the lounge and snuggle if the children are around or a bit more if they’re not!

Book into a hotel for a night of hot sex and room service. Pack all the goodies you will need for a night to remember. Sexy lingerie, an Naughty Night Kit, lubricant, condoms, a toy or three and don’t forget to take some erotica to read to each other. It helps get you in the mood and beats having to watch the awful programmes lined up for Saturday Night Television. 

50 Shades of Grey, the movie is being released across the country on Valentine’s Day. If the movie has as much affect on women’s libidos as the books did then many, many partners, are in for a wonderful weekend. Because I’m talking about Valentine’s Day ideas I’m not going to address the various views about 50 Shades of Grey – that is a subject for another day.   

Write a love letter, with a pen and paper – you don’t have to be a poet. Just tell your lover why you love her or him. Is it the dimple in his chin, or that she makes you cottage pie when you’re feeling grumpy. If you really can’t write your own words, you can always copy out a love poem. 

Make something that symbolizes your love for your significant other. If you bake make a heart shaped cake, you get the idea.

Why not plan a weekend away? You’ve probably blown this one already so present the gift as an IOU and then pay your debt. Don’t just make it common garden variety weekend away – do something different, go somewhere you have never been before. What about staying in a tree house. www.treehouse-acc.co.za or www.pezulu.co.za/treehouses

Do something that he loves and you hate or visa versa. It will make you feel holier than thou and me may be able to trade on this for a while it might even get you some very special nookie in unexpected places. Think about something you really hate doing and your partner loves – Going to the nursery and then helping in the garden, sorting out the garage, browsing – anywhere, shopping for clothes and actually watching her try things on.

I know this one has been flogged to death but it is still a goody. Requires some preparation but can be pulled off with minimum effort. The long, hot, wet, bath. If you are really into it leave a trail of something leading to the bathroom, chocolate, rose petals, naughty notes anything that is easy to clean up afterwards.

Valentine’s day can be celebrated in many different ways, whether you are in a relationship or not. I think it’s the one holiday that has to include an orgasm at the very least. Play if only for 10 minutes it will do you the world of good.

Bondassage

7 February 2015

Play Together - pg 14

I love watching people’s faces when they ask me what I do. ‘I’m in the sex industry’ – count 1,2,3. They’re either thinking she’s too old to be a hooker – maybe the Madam! Then they either giggle and say ‘that’s interesting’ and move away or I’ve given them permission to talk about sex.

The reality is that I’m neither a hooker nor a Madam. I consider myself a relationship engineer and I talk about sex a lot, and this is what this column is all about – sex and relationships. So if you don’t want to read about sex now is the time to stop reading.

This February there is a huge hype about 50 Shades of Grey – The Movie. Next week we are sponsoring more than 1200 goody bags for a variety of Premiers. Love it or hate it, 50 Shades has opened the discussion about BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, Sadism & Masochism).

Some mistakenly believe that BDSM is all about pain. Some do enjoy pain and others don’t. I don’t. Smack my arse and I’ll smash your face – but I’m not opposed to a bit of sensory deprivation.

There is this new thing called ‘Bondassage’. It’s a combination of bondage and massage – now this appeals to my inner kitty. Prrr.

Learning the art of Bondassage will open up new aspects of your sensual side. Created in 2008 by a massage therapist Jaelee Bennis, the play involves mild restraint and sensory deprivation. Bondassage requires honest communication, sensual massage and basic bondage. It brings BDSM play out of the dungeons and into a warm, candle lit bedroom. It makes this kind of play accessible for anyone with a healthy curiosity about love, sexual energy and self awareness.

This type of play and intimacy doesn’t just happen. It requires intention, preparation and communication. You have to have a pre play discussion. You cannot just arrive with your whips and chains. Your partner will run screaming to Sandton City. During the pre play discussion you’ll talk about possibilities, soft and hard limits and don’t forget your safe word. (It’s the word you use when you want play to stop immediately).

You’ve had the conversation, now you have to the play. Prepare the room. Room temperature is important, remember one or both of you will be naked. You will also need the following goodies for your play: sheets, you may not want to use your expensive Egyptian Cotton Sheets. Towels, wet and dry, warm massage oil, try a massage candle or coconut oil, bondage gear and toys. If you’re a beginner, I would avoid rope. It can be tied too tight or you could use the wrong knots. You don’t want anything turning blue. Soft silk ties, leather restraint or fluffy cuffs will all do the trick.

For sensory play you will also need: feather ticklers, fluffer (fur like mittens), blindfold, sexy foods, music and unthreatening sex toys (try a Pocket Rocket or Wand).

Prepare your playlist and check your headphones ahead of time. Wireless headphones are the bomb for this play. You’re going to use the music to deprive your partner of hearing you in the room. It heightens all the other senses. Choose music that promotes relaxation and doesn’t distract. You don’t want your partner singing along to Abba. Check that your iPod is charged and ready.  Adjust the sound levels – you don’t want bleeding ears. Make sure everything works – like a sound check at a concert.

Great lighting makes anyone with hail damage feel more comfortable about being naked. So turn the lights down if you can, light candles if you can’t. Thinking about it now, candles are probably a better option with all the load shedding. With that in mind keep a torch handy. You may need it to undo the knots if Eskom does oblige.

Additional supplies you might find useful: lubricant, safe sex barriers – condoms, latex gloves, dental dams (check if your partner has a latex allergy), tissues, wet wipes, safety scissors, water, finger foods like chocolate, fresh fruit, sherbet, all part of sensory play. Pillows to make your partner more comfortable and a warm blanket for after play cuddles. Check your hands and nails, you don’t want a hang nail catching on a naughty bit.

Introduce your partner to the playroom. Everything is already set up. You don’t want to keep popping out of the room to collect something else you’ve forgotten. Your partner then takes their place on the bed. Restrain to a level that is comfortable, wrists, arms, legs. Blindfold and apply the headphones, check that your partner is comfortable.

Now all you need are some basic massage moves. Explore your partner’s erogenous zones. The entire body from the outside edge of the little finger, to the nape of the neck, are all hot spots. Avoid the three primary erogenous zones, breasts and nipples, mouth and genitals. Leave them for last. If you don’t really know how to massage just remember to use your whole hand with long slow strokes.

Massage until your partner is completely relaxed. Let the sense play begin using the supplies you have prepared. The secret to success is – the slower, the better. Listen to your partner’s body and if the safe word is called – STOP immediately.

When the play is finished, undo the restraints, cover your partner with the blanket and cuddle up. It will take about 15 to 30 minutes to come out of the zone. This play is about pleasing your partner and increasing intimacy, not about getting your rocks off, although more often than not, you will be rewarded.

Be safe and sexy till next week.