Help for Sexual Fear

Shine some light.

Last week I wrote about sexual fears and how they affect our relationships and intimacy levels. Sometimes these fears are so debilitating that relationships do not survive. I know I’ve had one.

Do not be one of the casualties especially when help is at hand, it does however require COURAGE! Admitting you have a fear is the first step.

You bring years worth of conditioning, culture and failure into your bedroom. Women are still expected to be pure virgins when they get married and then they are expected to be sexual goddesses in the bedroom after marriage. Worse than that, they are supposed to learn all these skills by osmosis or from their equally unskilled partner. Little wonder our sex lives are a mess and our fears debilitating.

Our fears can generally be divided into two major categories – Emotional and Physical. Fear of letting go, intimacy, the inability to satisfy, appearance, social and cultural disapproval, disappointing your partner, lack of technique and a plethora of other fears all fall somewhere in those two broad categories. 

So how do we fix this? The same way most of the world’s problems can be solved – education and communication, without the interference of ego!

The very first thing you need to understand and accept is that you are both equals and each of you has individual needs. These needs are no less or more important than the other. You both have fears and they are equally as scary.

If your fear is related to something physical like erectile dysfunction, fear of pregnancy etc, then see a doctor first. Have the tests, take the medication and if the condition persists then you can be relatively sure that the problem is based on emotional issue. Any emotional issues mean that you have work to do. This work will be done on your own and with your partner. It is your responsibility to admit to it and work with it.

The very first lesson is – take it slow. This issue has taken years to develop and is not going to evaporate overnight. If the issue has been caused by some traumatic experience, sexual or physical abuse, rape or some childhood trauma then I recommend that you seek professional help. Whether that be a sexologist, psychologist or therapist – just get it done. Find someone you feel comfortable with. You will not be the first and you definitely won’t be the last person with this problem.

If your fear is related to inexperience, technique or myth the journey will be much easier.

Find the source of your fear. What is it really about? Has your body been conditioned to orgasm really quickly or not at all? Is this because of something you were told, the fear of being caught or just pure excitement or fear at the sight of a naked genital?

Take your mind off the problem at hand. Concentrate on something else. How can you please your partner without the relevant body part letting you down? Let me tell you there are hundreds of ways.

You need a comfortable setting. Your problems are not going to be resolved on the backseat of your car. I don’t care how big the base speaker is. Take it slow. Keep your clothes on. Kiss and experiment with a variety of touches.

Talk about what feels good and what doesn’t. Don’t take it personally. Be fully aware of yourself and your partner. This is so much easier if you understand your own body and know how to please yourself.

Get to know each other first – old fashioned I know! The quickest way to increase intimacy is to admit your fears. Laugh. When you think about it sex is really funny and messy. It’s meant to be.

If you are suffering from the fear of penetration and your vagina locks, experiment with other forms of pleasure first. Experience a clitoral orgasm, often enhanced with the use of a vibrator.

Talk about why the use of a toy scares the living daylight out of you. What do you think is going to happen?

Find out what can make your experience more pleasurable. If you want to maintain an erection for longer use a penis ring. Find out how to use it. If sex hurts because you are not wet enough, use a lubricant. If a particular position hurts, don’t do it. If something makes your skin crawl, discuss it. If you get bored, find ways to spice it up.

Fear , like mushrooms, grows when it is kept in the dark. By talking about it, playing with it and working around it it will shrivel up and eventually leave.

But as I said at the beginning, you need courage to shine the light.

For any questions or suggestions please email me sharon@lolamontez.co.za

Bondassage

7 February 2015

Play Together - pg 14

I love watching people’s faces when they ask me what I do. ‘I’m in the sex industry’ – count 1,2,3. They’re either thinking she’s too old to be a hooker – maybe the Madam! Then they either giggle and say ‘that’s interesting’ and move away or I’ve given them permission to talk about sex.

The reality is that I’m neither a hooker nor a Madam. I consider myself a relationship engineer and I talk about sex a lot, and this is what this column is all about – sex and relationships. So if you don’t want to read about sex now is the time to stop reading.

This February there is a huge hype about 50 Shades of Grey – The Movie. Next week we are sponsoring more than 1200 goody bags for a variety of Premiers. Love it or hate it, 50 Shades has opened the discussion about BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, Sadism & Masochism).

Some mistakenly believe that BDSM is all about pain. Some do enjoy pain and others don’t. I don’t. Smack my arse and I’ll smash your face – but I’m not opposed to a bit of sensory deprivation.

There is this new thing called ‘Bondassage’. It’s a combination of bondage and massage – now this appeals to my inner kitty. Prrr.

Learning the art of Bondassage will open up new aspects of your sensual side. Created in 2008 by a massage therapist Jaelee Bennis, the play involves mild restraint and sensory deprivation. Bondassage requires honest communication, sensual massage and basic bondage. It brings BDSM play out of the dungeons and into a warm, candle lit bedroom. It makes this kind of play accessible for anyone with a healthy curiosity about love, sexual energy and self awareness.

This type of play and intimacy doesn’t just happen. It requires intention, preparation and communication. You have to have a pre play discussion. You cannot just arrive with your whips and chains. Your partner will run screaming to Sandton City. During the pre play discussion you’ll talk about possibilities, soft and hard limits and don’t forget your safe word. (It’s the word you use when you want play to stop immediately).

You’ve had the conversation, now you have to the play. Prepare the room. Room temperature is important, remember one or both of you will be naked. You will also need the following goodies for your play: sheets, you may not want to use your expensive Egyptian Cotton Sheets. Towels, wet and dry, warm massage oil, try a massage candle or coconut oil, bondage gear and toys. If you’re a beginner, I would avoid rope. It can be tied too tight or you could use the wrong knots. You don’t want anything turning blue. Soft silk ties, leather restraint or fluffy cuffs will all do the trick.

For sensory play you will also need: feather ticklers, fluffer (fur like mittens), blindfold, sexy foods, music and unthreatening sex toys (try a Pocket Rocket or Wand).

Prepare your playlist and check your headphones ahead of time. Wireless headphones are the bomb for this play. You’re going to use the music to deprive your partner of hearing you in the room. It heightens all the other senses. Choose music that promotes relaxation and doesn’t distract. You don’t want your partner singing along to Abba. Check that your iPod is charged and ready.  Adjust the sound levels – you don’t want bleeding ears. Make sure everything works – like a sound check at a concert.

Great lighting makes anyone with hail damage feel more comfortable about being naked. So turn the lights down if you can, light candles if you can’t. Thinking about it now, candles are probably a better option with all the load shedding. With that in mind keep a torch handy. You may need it to undo the knots if Eskom does oblige.

Additional supplies you might find useful: lubricant, safe sex barriers – condoms, latex gloves, dental dams (check if your partner has a latex allergy), tissues, wet wipes, safety scissors, water, finger foods like chocolate, fresh fruit, sherbet, all part of sensory play. Pillows to make your partner more comfortable and a warm blanket for after play cuddles. Check your hands and nails, you don’t want a hang nail catching on a naughty bit.

Introduce your partner to the playroom. Everything is already set up. You don’t want to keep popping out of the room to collect something else you’ve forgotten. Your partner then takes their place on the bed. Restrain to a level that is comfortable, wrists, arms, legs. Blindfold and apply the headphones, check that your partner is comfortable.

Now all you need are some basic massage moves. Explore your partner’s erogenous zones. The entire body from the outside edge of the little finger, to the nape of the neck, are all hot spots. Avoid the three primary erogenous zones, breasts and nipples, mouth and genitals. Leave them for last. If you don’t really know how to massage just remember to use your whole hand with long slow strokes.

Massage until your partner is completely relaxed. Let the sense play begin using the supplies you have prepared. The secret to success is – the slower, the better. Listen to your partner’s body and if the safe word is called – STOP immediately.

When the play is finished, undo the restraints, cover your partner with the blanket and cuddle up. It will take about 15 to 30 minutes to come out of the zone. This play is about pleasing your partner and increasing intimacy, not about getting your rocks off, although more often than not, you will be rewarded.

Be safe and sexy till next week.