A few things we'd LOVE to tell you.

It’s been a hell of a week hasn’t it? I’m exhausted just thinking about everything I’ve had to deal with and I’ve no doubt that I am not alone. I’m left wondering if life ever just skips along without this constant battle to survive and be understood? 

Make no mistake I have chosen to be who I am and so cannot claim to be a victim although some days I wonder. 

For women some things seem to be a little more difficult. This week #TED2016 is on in Vancouver and TEDxJohannesburg streamed it live for us to watch. One of the speakers Reshma Saujani was the founder of Girls who Code. Her talk was all about how if we want women to be part of the new economy we not only need to teach them to code, we have to also teach them to be brave, for women to take risks and to ultimately speak up. 

Women don’t speak up for a number of reasons but mostly it’s because we don’t want to be judged or disliked. This unfortunate trait permeates through almost every aspect of our lives, from the bedroom to the boardroom. 

So in the spirit of bravery I am going to tell you a couple of things about sex that many women would love you to know but are too polite or afraid to say.

You think that banging away for hours is sexy and everything we’ve ever wanted in a man, it’s not. Too little or too much are equally disappointing. Premature ejaculation leaves us frustrated and marathon sessions leave us sore. Keeping your orgasm for after hers is a wonderful thing but then be polite and have your orgasm as well. 

Make no mistake there is a time and a place for marathon sex but is probably not mid week or after a day like I just had. Come to terms with the truth, once we’ve had an orgasm your continued pounding becomes painful and boring. You may think you’re a porn star worth filming – but you’re not. 

Marathon sex needs buckets of lubricant and the one thing we are all hoping for more of – time!

She is probably giving you subtle signs that she would like you to finish, after all we are not all brave enough to say ‘If you don’t come now I’m going to get really irritated’.

We know when you trying to sneak your penis into an orifice other than our vagina. I don’t know how stupid you think we are? It never just happens ‘by accident’ but we keep quiet and humour you because we are too afraid to shame you, so we shame ourselves instead. If it’s something you want to do – talk about it first and explore the options together. Much more fun for both of us. 

Contrary to popular belief the best sex moves are not learned from Porn and we know when you’ve been watching it and want to try something new. We know that this is where you get most of your tricks and mostly they are overrated and don’t work. 

And just so you know, many of us know exactly what give us pleasure we just don’t know how to tell you. We’re afraid we might dent your ego but more than that we are terrified you are going to judge us and then call us that glorious word – slut! 

Unless we invite you, don’t send us a picture of your penis. It’s just wrong and so disrespectful. You may think it’s the most magnificent thing you’ve ever seen, for us – not so much! 

Our bodies get extremely sensitive when aroused so rather be gentle than rough, unless you are invited to be otherwise. Pick up on the body language, how hard is she kissing you back? 

I have a friend who says ‘If you have to tell him how to pull your hair, good feeling gone!’ 

We want you to be confident and to take charge, we just always know how to let you. We do want it on our own terms. It is confusing I know but learn how to read the signs, we are far more transparent than you think. 

There are those of us who are lucky can pop out orgasms on demand and then there are some of us who have to work really hard to get there and sometimes it’s just too much effort. That does not mean that we are not experiencing pleasure or intimacy. We do enjoy the journey and often don’t need to get to the destination. 

It does not mean that your technique sucks or that we don’t want you. It just means right now, hunting down that orgasm, through the forest, over the river and up the hill is just too much to contemplate. So let it go. 

Women are complicated I know, our moods and desires shift like the sand in the Sahara, but we’re worth it but ultimately it’s up to both of you to speak up. 

Ask for what you want and communicate about the hard stuff. Talk about what you like and what you don’t because it will save you years of terrible and unsatisfactory sex because after a week like I’ve had life is far too short. 

Don’t forget you can let me know what you think or let me know what you want to hear about Sharon@lolamontez.co.za.

World Sexual Health Day – 4 September

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Bored yet?

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Help for Sexual Fear

Shine some light.

Last week I wrote about sexual fears and how they affect our relationships and intimacy levels. Sometimes these fears are so debilitating that relationships do not survive. I know I’ve had one.

Do not be one of the casualties especially when help is at hand, it does however require COURAGE! Admitting you have a fear is the first step.

You bring years worth of conditioning, culture and failure into your bedroom. Women are still expected to be pure virgins when they get married and then they are expected to be sexual goddesses in the bedroom after marriage. Worse than that, they are supposed to learn all these skills by osmosis or from their equally unskilled partner. Little wonder our sex lives are a mess and our fears debilitating.

Our fears can generally be divided into two major categories – Emotional and Physical. Fear of letting go, intimacy, the inability to satisfy, appearance, social and cultural disapproval, disappointing your partner, lack of technique and a plethora of other fears all fall somewhere in those two broad categories. 

So how do we fix this? The same way most of the world’s problems can be solved – education and communication, without the interference of ego!

The very first thing you need to understand and accept is that you are both equals and each of you has individual needs. These needs are no less or more important than the other. You both have fears and they are equally as scary.

If your fear is related to something physical like erectile dysfunction, fear of pregnancy etc, then see a doctor first. Have the tests, take the medication and if the condition persists then you can be relatively sure that the problem is based on emotional issue. Any emotional issues mean that you have work to do. This work will be done on your own and with your partner. It is your responsibility to admit to it and work with it.

The very first lesson is – take it slow. This issue has taken years to develop and is not going to evaporate overnight. If the issue has been caused by some traumatic experience, sexual or physical abuse, rape or some childhood trauma then I recommend that you seek professional help. Whether that be a sexologist, psychologist or therapist – just get it done. Find someone you feel comfortable with. You will not be the first and you definitely won’t be the last person with this problem.

If your fear is related to inexperience, technique or myth the journey will be much easier.

Find the source of your fear. What is it really about? Has your body been conditioned to orgasm really quickly or not at all? Is this because of something you were told, the fear of being caught or just pure excitement or fear at the sight of a naked genital?

Take your mind off the problem at hand. Concentrate on something else. How can you please your partner without the relevant body part letting you down? Let me tell you there are hundreds of ways.

You need a comfortable setting. Your problems are not going to be resolved on the backseat of your car. I don’t care how big the base speaker is. Take it slow. Keep your clothes on. Kiss and experiment with a variety of touches.

Talk about what feels good and what doesn’t. Don’t take it personally. Be fully aware of yourself and your partner. This is so much easier if you understand your own body and know how to please yourself.

Get to know each other first – old fashioned I know! The quickest way to increase intimacy is to admit your fears. Laugh. When you think about it sex is really funny and messy. It’s meant to be.

If you are suffering from the fear of penetration and your vagina locks, experiment with other forms of pleasure first. Experience a clitoral orgasm, often enhanced with the use of a vibrator.

Talk about why the use of a toy scares the living daylight out of you. What do you think is going to happen?

Find out what can make your experience more pleasurable. If you want to maintain an erection for longer use a penis ring. Find out how to use it. If sex hurts because you are not wet enough, use a lubricant. If a particular position hurts, don’t do it. If something makes your skin crawl, discuss it. If you get bored, find ways to spice it up.

Fear , like mushrooms, grows when it is kept in the dark. By talking about it, playing with it and working around it it will shrivel up and eventually leave.

But as I said at the beginning, you need courage to shine the light.

For any questions or suggestions please email me sharon@lolamontez.co.za

Sexual Fear!

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Talk Dirty to Me!

There is something about talking dirty that really gets many of us hot under the sheets and yet few of us know how to do it well, a bit like sex really! I’m not talking laundry or dirty floors, I’m talking whispers, moans and an appropriate scream.

Talking dirty is arousing because when we hear the words we have a neurochemical  reaction. To be arousing it doesn’t even have to be that dirty. You can use words your Mama would have taught you and still get a reaction.

I think the reason we are so afraid talking dirty is because we are shy and we don’t want to cause offense. You could say something troublesome and if you really worked towards the tipping point - now you have to start all over again.

Talking dirty is a very intimate experience and it is important to approach the subject long before you get to the short strokes. You can say something like –‘I read Sharon’s column in the Saturday Star and she suggests some dirty talk to spice things up. ‘What do you think? Should we try?’  By your partner’s reaction you can gauge where they’re at.

So now you’re on the same page and it’s something you want to try your next obstacle is coming up with things to say. Sexy phrases may feel foreign so you might want to practice. In the car in the traffic is a good place and if you can muster up the courage try saying it to yourself in the mirror. I always find this gives me a really good laugh! There is just nothing sexy about me looking at myself in the mirror and saying: ‘My goodness you have such a big penis!’ I find it more helpful to play the scenario out in my head first.

One of the best ways to get into it with your partner is to ask questions. Something like: ‘What do you want me to do to you?’ The answer will help you gauge about how dirty, dirty is going to be. Is it a bit dusty or a full on mud bath. If the answer is: ’Take out the trash!’, your timing sucks and best you wait for another day.

Now if you are being asked the question, for heaven’s sake, respond positively. Remember what rejection feels like. It has taken all your partner’s courage to ask. The appropriate answer should match how dirty you feel – ‘Bend me over the counter, or smack my bottom, are appropriate answers.

Ask questions about how your partner is feeling. This gets them into the game, if this doesn’t work then work on compliments. Men are very insecure about the size and strength of their penis. So what really works is: ‘Oh my, you are so big, so hard etc.’

Women want to be gorgeous but have huge hang ups about their smell so be careful of any reference to it. We just don’t always like it. ‘You’ve got the most gorgeous ass/ breasts/ lips, will always work well.

When you are ready you can start using works outside your comfort zone, this is when you use the words you learnt on the playground: Dick, Pussy, Tits – you get the picture. My favourite of all is F**k.

You can also give your partner positive feedback. Say things like: ‘I love it when you run your tongue across my ….’

Sexy commands also work a treat. It makes you sound confident and in control. So grab my…, kiss my… are great. Again remember that timing is everything. This is not going to work if one of you is feeling like the other is being bossed around.

Describe sensations, notice how huge and hard he is. How it feels when she rubs her torso against your…legs!

Usually your language will match your arousal level. The closer to orgasm the dirtier the words.

A word to the wise, talk about which words offend you. In my world is you call me a slut or a whore I will ensure that your testicles become your tonsils. Now I do know women who don’t mind but talk about it and then do try to remember.

Which brings me to things you should NEVER say.

My ex used to … Well go back to your ex then

Is it in yet? Even if you are wondering!

Same for - Are you done yet or I’ll just do it myself! – Let’s just get it over with is a non starter and a romance killer.

You’re so wet works, what have you been thinking about because you are so wet doesn’t. We feel guilty enough about sex without you making us feel worse about a bodily function.

Do not ask your partner to change the channel or pass your phone, or say ‘Oh that reminds me, I must…’

Dirty talk never includes any talk about babies or baby talk unless he has that adult baby fetish.

At the beginning of the year I spoke about the idea of a contract similar to the one used by the BDSM community. I still think it is a good idea. You can set and negotiate boundaries without fear of offending or crossing a line you can never return from. If you’d like a copy of the contract you can get it off my blog www.sharongordon.blogspot.com or you can download it as a free PDF off the www.lolamontez.co.za website.

This week may your sheets be tumbled, the sex wild and your talk dirty. For more information, questions or suggestions please email me sharon@lolamontez.co.za