Vibrators - Penis Shaped

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Judging the Basic Instincts Pole Championship

If you are a regular reader of this blog or my column in the Saturday Star you will know that I recently took up pole dancing so I was extremely privileged to be invited to judge the recent pole dance competition held at Sexpo.

The organizer of the event was Juanita Fouche from Basic Instincts Studio and I know I am going to sound a bit like a sycophant but here goes!

There was R20k prize money in it for the winner and winner takes all! I have judged a couple of Pole competitions in the past so it was not new to me but what I was impressed with was the efficiency and professionalism of the judging process.

Every competition seems to accuse the poor judges of being biased, the right person never wins and the complaints go on! Personally I am offended if someone thinks that I would not apply my best effort and would be shallow enough to let bias affect my judgment. (Just so you know when I judged in the past if anyone I knew participated I excused myself from that round so I could not be accused!)

This time however none of the judges except the organizer Juanita knew who the contestants were or which studios they came from. I do however know both dancers of the couple event and placed my knowledge on record.

If you'd like to learn how to pole dance, join a studio near you and if you can't then get Juanita's DVDs for Beginner, Intermediate and Advanced Dancers

Judging was done online and submitted immediately so we could not talk to fellow judges or compare notes. The scores were then compiled by another party and calculated. Each contestant got our judging sheets emailed to them immediately after the scores were complied.

We had to look at 10 elements of the performance and had to score them out of 10. The top two scorers of each evening went through to the finals and the process was repeated.

I felt a huge responsibility, there was R20k at stake after all! I think we did a good job.

So here is how it went – The judges were:

• Juanita Fouche – owner of Basic Instincts Studio and organizer.
• Ian Thomas Pursey – Designer and entertainer
• Qaanita Brown-de Bruyn – Model, dancer and media specialist - see her guest contribution below.
• Sharon Gordon – Me! Owner of Lola Montez!

The four Finalists were:

• Riette Dunn
• Nikita Smit
• Kessuree Srisroy
• Neroesjke Theunissen

And the winner

Kessuree Srisroy! Congratulation – you were fantastic!

A special mention to the couple who danced. It was special and I don’t want to think about how difficult it is to do what they do together on the pole! Rayne Pole Junkie and Elzani du Toit.

My Nights in the Hot Seatby Qaanita Brown-de Bruyn  

Beautiful bodies, sun-kissed tans, high heels, perfectly pointed toes, sparkly costumes, false eyelashes, carnival music, feats of athleticism, pristine Hollywood waxes and pink poles... This has been my life for the past three nights, as a judge on the panel of the Basic Instincts pole dance competition, held at Gallagher Estate in Midrand this weekend.

I was awed by the performers, who are able to command their bodies to move, flex and contort at will, into the most breathtaking manipulations. 

As I watched them perform, I felt empowered in the knowledge that these women were continuing to change the old stigma of pole dance and taking it even further into the light, where it can be seen for the magnificent form of dance that it is. A form of dance that, like every sport, requires superior fitness, technique, flexibility, core muscle strength and tremendous amounts of discipline, commitment and passion.

I have been inspired by this experience and I dare you to join me as I start pole dancing with Basic Instincts, where I hope to rediscover my inner Goddess.

You can find me on Instagram, Twitter and Pinterest - @spicedbrown 

https://www.instagram.com/spicedbrown

https://twitter.com/spicedbrown/

https://www.pinterest.com/spicedbrown/

Managing Menopause!

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Bored yet?

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Help for Sexual Fear

Shine some light.

Last week I wrote about sexual fears and how they affect our relationships and intimacy levels. Sometimes these fears are so debilitating that relationships do not survive. I know I’ve had one.

Do not be one of the casualties especially when help is at hand, it does however require COURAGE! Admitting you have a fear is the first step.

You bring years worth of conditioning, culture and failure into your bedroom. Women are still expected to be pure virgins when they get married and then they are expected to be sexual goddesses in the bedroom after marriage. Worse than that, they are supposed to learn all these skills by osmosis or from their equally unskilled partner. Little wonder our sex lives are a mess and our fears debilitating.

Our fears can generally be divided into two major categories – Emotional and Physical. Fear of letting go, intimacy, the inability to satisfy, appearance, social and cultural disapproval, disappointing your partner, lack of technique and a plethora of other fears all fall somewhere in those two broad categories. 

So how do we fix this? The same way most of the world’s problems can be solved – education and communication, without the interference of ego!

The very first thing you need to understand and accept is that you are both equals and each of you has individual needs. These needs are no less or more important than the other. You both have fears and they are equally as scary.

If your fear is related to something physical like erectile dysfunction, fear of pregnancy etc, then see a doctor first. Have the tests, take the medication and if the condition persists then you can be relatively sure that the problem is based on emotional issue. Any emotional issues mean that you have work to do. This work will be done on your own and with your partner. It is your responsibility to admit to it and work with it.

The very first lesson is – take it slow. This issue has taken years to develop and is not going to evaporate overnight. If the issue has been caused by some traumatic experience, sexual or physical abuse, rape or some childhood trauma then I recommend that you seek professional help. Whether that be a sexologist, psychologist or therapist – just get it done. Find someone you feel comfortable with. You will not be the first and you definitely won’t be the last person with this problem.

If your fear is related to inexperience, technique or myth the journey will be much easier.

Find the source of your fear. What is it really about? Has your body been conditioned to orgasm really quickly or not at all? Is this because of something you were told, the fear of being caught or just pure excitement or fear at the sight of a naked genital?

Take your mind off the problem at hand. Concentrate on something else. How can you please your partner without the relevant body part letting you down? Let me tell you there are hundreds of ways.

You need a comfortable setting. Your problems are not going to be resolved on the backseat of your car. I don’t care how big the base speaker is. Take it slow. Keep your clothes on. Kiss and experiment with a variety of touches.

Talk about what feels good and what doesn’t. Don’t take it personally. Be fully aware of yourself and your partner. This is so much easier if you understand your own body and know how to please yourself.

Get to know each other first – old fashioned I know! The quickest way to increase intimacy is to admit your fears. Laugh. When you think about it sex is really funny and messy. It’s meant to be.

If you are suffering from the fear of penetration and your vagina locks, experiment with other forms of pleasure first. Experience a clitoral orgasm, often enhanced with the use of a vibrator.

Talk about why the use of a toy scares the living daylight out of you. What do you think is going to happen?

Find out what can make your experience more pleasurable. If you want to maintain an erection for longer use a penis ring. Find out how to use it. If sex hurts because you are not wet enough, use a lubricant. If a particular position hurts, don’t do it. If something makes your skin crawl, discuss it. If you get bored, find ways to spice it up.

Fear , like mushrooms, grows when it is kept in the dark. By talking about it, playing with it and working around it it will shrivel up and eventually leave.

But as I said at the beginning, you need courage to shine the light.

For any questions or suggestions please email me sharon@lolamontez.co.za

Sexual Fear!

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Talk Dirty to Me!

There is something about talking dirty that really gets many of us hot under the sheets and yet few of us know how to do it well, a bit like sex really! I’m not talking laundry or dirty floors, I’m talking whispers, moans and an appropriate scream.

Talking dirty is arousing because when we hear the words we have a neurochemical  reaction. To be arousing it doesn’t even have to be that dirty. You can use words your Mama would have taught you and still get a reaction.

I think the reason we are so afraid talking dirty is because we are shy and we don’t want to cause offense. You could say something troublesome and if you really worked towards the tipping point - now you have to start all over again.

Talking dirty is a very intimate experience and it is important to approach the subject long before you get to the short strokes. You can say something like –‘I read Sharon’s column in the Saturday Star and she suggests some dirty talk to spice things up. ‘What do you think? Should we try?’  By your partner’s reaction you can gauge where they’re at.

So now you’re on the same page and it’s something you want to try your next obstacle is coming up with things to say. Sexy phrases may feel foreign so you might want to practice. In the car in the traffic is a good place and if you can muster up the courage try saying it to yourself in the mirror. I always find this gives me a really good laugh! There is just nothing sexy about me looking at myself in the mirror and saying: ‘My goodness you have such a big penis!’ I find it more helpful to play the scenario out in my head first.

One of the best ways to get into it with your partner is to ask questions. Something like: ‘What do you want me to do to you?’ The answer will help you gauge about how dirty, dirty is going to be. Is it a bit dusty or a full on mud bath. If the answer is: ’Take out the trash!’, your timing sucks and best you wait for another day.

Now if you are being asked the question, for heaven’s sake, respond positively. Remember what rejection feels like. It has taken all your partner’s courage to ask. The appropriate answer should match how dirty you feel – ‘Bend me over the counter, or smack my bottom, are appropriate answers.

Ask questions about how your partner is feeling. This gets them into the game, if this doesn’t work then work on compliments. Men are very insecure about the size and strength of their penis. So what really works is: ‘Oh my, you are so big, so hard etc.’

Women want to be gorgeous but have huge hang ups about their smell so be careful of any reference to it. We just don’t always like it. ‘You’ve got the most gorgeous ass/ breasts/ lips, will always work well.

When you are ready you can start using works outside your comfort zone, this is when you use the words you learnt on the playground: Dick, Pussy, Tits – you get the picture. My favourite of all is F**k.

You can also give your partner positive feedback. Say things like: ‘I love it when you run your tongue across my ….’

Sexy commands also work a treat. It makes you sound confident and in control. So grab my…, kiss my… are great. Again remember that timing is everything. This is not going to work if one of you is feeling like the other is being bossed around.

Describe sensations, notice how huge and hard he is. How it feels when she rubs her torso against your…legs!

Usually your language will match your arousal level. The closer to orgasm the dirtier the words.

A word to the wise, talk about which words offend you. In my world is you call me a slut or a whore I will ensure that your testicles become your tonsils. Now I do know women who don’t mind but talk about it and then do try to remember.

Which brings me to things you should NEVER say.

My ex used to … Well go back to your ex then

Is it in yet? Even if you are wondering!

Same for - Are you done yet or I’ll just do it myself! – Let’s just get it over with is a non starter and a romance killer.

You’re so wet works, what have you been thinking about because you are so wet doesn’t. We feel guilty enough about sex without you making us feel worse about a bodily function.

Do not ask your partner to change the channel or pass your phone, or say ‘Oh that reminds me, I must…’

Dirty talk never includes any talk about babies or baby talk unless he has that adult baby fetish.

At the beginning of the year I spoke about the idea of a contract similar to the one used by the BDSM community. I still think it is a good idea. You can set and negotiate boundaries without fear of offending or crossing a line you can never return from. If you’d like a copy of the contract you can get it off my blog www.sharongordon.blogspot.com or you can download it as a free PDF off the www.lolamontez.co.za website.

This week may your sheets be tumbled, the sex wild and your talk dirty. For more information, questions or suggestions please email me sharon@lolamontez.co.za

The Best Sex Positions for Each Trimester

The best sex positions for each trimester when pregnant.

Sometimes one shouldn't reinvent the wheel - so follow this link to the Woman's Health article on the best positions during your pregnancy.

Don't forget to link with us on social media - 

• Facebook
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No need for a Pregnant Pause.

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Touch Yourself

Touch yourself.

Sex and masturbation have had a bad wrap in past 200 years or more. For some reason it has become associated with everything evil and perverse. It has been shamed, misaligned and even classified as a sin and yet it is still the only natural way we procreate and ensure the continuation of the species. Now whether that is a good thing or not is debatable.

I am of the belief that sex is good for you. This includes sex with your partner and masturbation.

I believe that it should be an important part of your health, relationship and personal development. I also believe that you do not have to have a partner to enjoy orgasm and that masturbation is a far better way to go than inappropriate one night stands. It is also the best way to discover what you do and don’t like and how to get to orgasm. It will help you understand your body and assists in developing a sense of self worth.

We Vibe, the world’s best selling couple toy, recently completed a survey in the US and I wonder how similar we are in South Africa? They found that in the US people were most likely to masturbate in the following locations: 41% - bathroom, 25% - shower, 19% - couch and 8% in the kitchen.

20% said that they had masturbated in a car. The most exciting news for me as a toy seller is that 82% reported masturbating the most during the winter months and at night. So ‘Winter is coming!’ now has a whole new attraction.

According to a National Representative US sample, 94% of men admit to masturbating as do 85% of women. I laughed at the comments listed at the bottom of the article. One in particular ‘The rest are lying!’

I don’t think we come anywhere near those percentages in this country, especially amongst the female population. Little girls are still shamed for touching their genitals and for enjoying their bodies. Watch a YouTube clip in which ‘The Cliteratti’ talk about the myths surrounding masturbation. You can follow the link to the clip on my blog, follow the link on the www.lolamontez.co.za site.

We really should normalize masturbation. I used to find saying the word a bit uncomfortable but now it just rolls off the tongue. Say it aloud until you stop blushing.

Masturbation is the touching of one’s own genitals for pleasure. It is something that babies do from the time they are still in the womb and is a normal and natural part of healthy sexual development. You can talk to your children about it and just like you potty train them and teach them to use the bathroom, you can teach them to touch themselves in the privacy of their own room or in the bathroom, wherever they have privacy.

If your daughters understood the power of their body and the beauty of orgasm she might understand the difference between love and a normal biological function. If she understands that that glorious yummy feeling is not love, she will make better choices and more considered decisions. I am willing to bet she will wait longer to have sex for the first time, will do so for the right reasons and may not marry the first man to ask her.

There are so many myths surrounding masturbation that has added to stigmatizing it. Myths that blow my mind in their stupidity. You’ll go insane, go blind, grow hair on the palm of your hand or become infertile! All garbage!

The truth is that masturbation is good for you. It has many health benefits. For women masturbation can help prevent cervical and urinary tract infections. It is because of a process called tenting and it’s too technical for me to go into on a beautiful Saturday morning. In men it can also help prevent prostate cancer, if you want to know how I can refer you to the research.

It can also improve your immune functioning by increasing cortisol levels, increases endorphin levels which reduces depression. It also releases serotonin, the happy hormone making you feel healthier and happier. Further benefits of orgasm include; reducing stress levels, reduces blood pressure, increases self esteem and reduces pain. Just so you know sex should never be painful and if it is you should see a sex positive doctor.

It is important to talk about masturbation openly and honestly. Talking about masturbation has its benefits. It promotes sex positive views in your home and community. It allows us to have healthier sexual behavior and attitudes without stigma and shame and how can that possibly be bad for you?

Thank you for participating in the conversation. Your emails and questions are much appreciated. Should you wish to ask anything or suggest a topic for a future column please email me on sharon@lolamontez.co.za.

Oral Sex 101 - the toned down version

Whenever we have a ladies night with the theme ‘How to give the perfect BJ’, the event sells out. It would seem, to women, that giving oral pleasure is one of the techniques in our arsenal that we feel relatively insecure about.

When we offer a similar event for men, guess what the bookings are like – None, I lie, maybe one!

So why do woman believe that they know nothing and wish to learn and men don’t?

Is it an ego thing with men? Do you believe that you know everything (learnt from porn naturally) or do you know your skills are lacking but are too macho to admit it or to attend a function where you will learn how to do something sexual in front of other men?

The oral question also features high on the questions women ask at another evening we host called ‘Inside his dirty mind’.

So what is this obsession? If we go back to the original sex manual – The Karma Sutra, the pleasures of oral sex were not encouraged. Remember that the caste system was very strong when the Karma Sutra was written. Men were encouraged only to experience oral sex with women of a lower caste! It was considered a vile act with someone of your own standing.

When I talk to women of the night they confirm that most of their clients want oral sex more than any other sexual act. This could be happening for many reasons and the ones that come to mind are – partners are doing it wrong, partners won’t participate or it’s just better getting it from someone who isn’t your partner.

When it comes to women receiving oral pleasure, insecurities that you didn’t even know you had come creeping out. Do I taste funny? Is my pubic hair trimmed in the right way and let’s not talk about smells. I can guarantee that none of these questions will cross a man’s mind.

So why is that? I know that I have heard one too many fish jokes to feel comfortable with my crotch. Do men really think that fish jokes are funny and do they believe that they smell as fresh as Staysoft? So from today NO MORE fish jokes! You’re screwing with our pleasure.

Women have also been lead to believe that their genitals are ugly, that if their labia are not sweet little tucks – like porn stars, then best they are kept tucked away from sight. No wonder we have so many hang ups. For those of you who don’t know – your genitals, like your face is unique to you. Yes we all have the same set of tools but the look, feel and setting is a bit different. Men know this because unlike women they can see their genitals every time they go to the bathroom. They compare, they measure and discuss. They know they are not hung like Brad Armstrong, so why do they expect my nether region to look like Jenna Jameson?

Did you know that the average woman will only look at her genitals after the birth of her first child, and then it’s really isn’t that pretty. Think about that for one second guys. Imagine never having seen the one part of your body that is going to be responsible for most of your pleasure until after the birth of your first child? Mind blowing!

Many many women have no idea where the clitoris, G-Spot or perineum is. And did you know that a penis has a frenulum? It’s the most sensitive spot on the penis. If you have no idea what I’m talking about I have fantastic drawings of male and female genitals with labels in my book ‘Play Together‘ (available on Amazon Kindle Books), or you could just Google it – be prepared for what you’ll find.

I digress, back to oral sex. How to give and how to receive, both male and female, does require some technique, practice and guidance. Follow instructions, listen for clues that you are doing something right or wrong. Plan an evening of practice with no other agenda but learning how to please your partner in this most intimate of acts.

This may be incredibly uncomfortable at first. So why not start with kissing on the mouth. Simulating what you think will feel good. Experiment with different pressures, use the breath. Play.

Discuss why this technique is important to you. Why you want to or why you don’t. It all leads to a better understanding of your body and your psyche. It will inevitably lead to increased intimacy.

Whenever I talk about oral sex I am reminded of a joke – no not a fish joke, I heard before I got married.

A groom is standing at the front of the church with the biggest smile on his face. The Best Man comments that the Groom looks like the happiest man on the planet. The Groom replies ‘I am. I’m marrying a woman who gives the best blow job ever!’ Lucky man indeed.

In the vestry, the Bride is adding the last touches to her make up with the biggest smile on her face. The Bridesmaid comments on how happy the Bride looks. The Bride’s reply, ‘Of course I’m happy, I’ve just given my last blow job!’ 

If you would like to learn oral techniques, that are a lot more graphic than is allowed in this column, then go to my blog. I give you a blow by blow account. Stay sexy till next week.

Oral Sex 101

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Let's talk about Sex with our Toddlers

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Love it or hate it Valentine’s Day is here again and if you’re in a relationship let me give you a heads up… You may be doomed if you do but you are definitely damned if you don’t!

I don’t care if your partner says not to bother, it’s a commercial scam, they’re not romantic - make an effort. It doesn’t have to cost you a leg and an arm as my hairdresser Sam says.

I’m one of those unromantic women who couldn’t be bothered and even I feel slightly let down when my partner who I instructed not to do anything – obeys and doesn’t do anything.

So here are some ideas for Valentine’s Day.

This year Valentine’s Day is on a Saturday so it may be possible to let your lover sleep in for a little longer. Make breakfast, brunch or lunch. You can cook together or let your lover have the day off for an additional spoil. My favourite – coffee in bed with a piece of chocolate. Try www.delish.com for recipes to make your mouth water.

I’d like the romance to last more than just a day and if you are really broke – why not make your own love vouchers, promising to do a chore, give a massage, act out a fantasy or do some sexual favour that you know he’s being dying to try.

Chocolate and flowers are always a win, I just object to paying triple for red roses at this time of year, so add a spin. You can purchase roses that are actually panties folded into a rose shape and how about body chocolate instead of the usual slab?

Personally I detest going on a picnic. I hate eating on my lap or on the floor. Why not still serve picnic food but set a table with all the romantic trimmings out in the garden. Feed each other, the messier the better. You still need a picnic blanket – weather permitting you can cuddle up and look at the stars otherwise build a tent in the lounge and snuggle if the children are around or a bit more if they’re not!

Book into a hotel for a night of hot sex and room service. Pack all the goodies you will need for a night to remember. Sexy lingerie, an Naughty Night Kit, lubricant, condoms, a toy or three and don’t forget to take some erotica to read to each other. It helps get you in the mood and beats having to watch the awful programmes lined up for Saturday Night Television. 

50 Shades of Grey, the movie is being released across the country on Valentine’s Day. If the movie has as much affect on women’s libidos as the books did then many, many partners, are in for a wonderful weekend. Because I’m talking about Valentine’s Day ideas I’m not going to address the various views about 50 Shades of Grey – that is a subject for another day.   

Write a love letter, with a pen and paper – you don’t have to be a poet. Just tell your lover why you love her or him. Is it the dimple in his chin, or that she makes you cottage pie when you’re feeling grumpy. If you really can’t write your own words, you can always copy out a love poem. 

Make something that symbolizes your love for your significant other. If you bake make a heart shaped cake, you get the idea.

Why not plan a weekend away? You’ve probably blown this one already so present the gift as an IOU and then pay your debt. Don’t just make it common garden variety weekend away – do something different, go somewhere you have never been before. What about staying in a tree house. www.treehouse-acc.co.za or www.pezulu.co.za/treehouses

Do something that he loves and you hate or visa versa. It will make you feel holier than thou and me may be able to trade on this for a while it might even get you some very special nookie in unexpected places. Think about something you really hate doing and your partner loves – Going to the nursery and then helping in the garden, sorting out the garage, browsing – anywhere, shopping for clothes and actually watching her try things on.

I know this one has been flogged to death but it is still a goody. Requires some preparation but can be pulled off with minimum effort. The long, hot, wet, bath. If you are really into it leave a trail of something leading to the bathroom, chocolate, rose petals, naughty notes anything that is easy to clean up afterwards.

Valentine’s day can be celebrated in many different ways, whether you are in a relationship or not. I think it’s the one holiday that has to include an orgasm at the very least. Play if only for 10 minutes it will do you the world of good.