Vibrators - Penis Shaped

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Don't rush it, sex is a precious gift!

 Continuing with last week’s theme I am going to talk about a couple of questions frequently asked by parents and children. The views expressed in this column are mine so take them from whence they come. 

This question gets asked more than any other when I am talking to children/teenagers about sex. I think the sex education children are subjected to in school and their peers is shocking. Sex is dealt with in terms of sperm and eggs, then they move into disease and rape!

The question most asked is: What does sex feel like? 

It’s a tricky question to answer because I don’t want to send them off to the toilets to try it out, but I’m also there to give honest answers. 

Sex is a beautiful thing when you are ready for it. Unfortunately peer pressure and the sexualisation of society makes us believe that if we are not having sex, there is something wrong with us. Nobody can decide whether you are ready to have sex except you! I believe you should wait if you’re not sure and then wait some more. 

Sex will be magical if you understand your own body. So my suggestion is that you should first understand your own body. Grab a mirror and look at the tools you have to work with. Then touch them, soft or hard, fast or slow, see feels good. Masturbate, bring yourself to orgasm. Feel the pleasure. 

Now understand that how your body has reacted is purely biological. It is meant to feel that way. Feeling that tingle when you’re in the movies with your girlfriend or boyfriend does not equate to love, it just means that your body is doing what it is meant to do. 

Do not be bullied into having sex to prove that you love him. If he loves you he should respect your boundaries and wait until you are ready. Think of sex as a precious gift, you wouldn’t want to give it just anyone, so rather wait and satisfy yourself. 

When you are ready, make it special. Don’t have sex somewhere unpleasant, like a public toilet or behind the shed. The first time will imprint your sexual journey forever, make sure it’s a great imprint. 

The next question is: When should I start talking to my children about sex?

When they are born!

Let me be more specific. Answer with the truth when they ask, but start at the beginning. Call body parts by their proper name. A vagina is a Vagina and a penis is a penis. You may be uncomfortable with the correct names or think it’s cute to call the ‘flowers’ or ‘willies’ or even worse ‘machine gun’!

The minute you call the genitals something else you cloak them in shame. They are just body parts. You don’t call fingers ‘feely wheelies’ or a nose a ‘smelly welly’ – so don’t undermine the genitals!

When you answer questions make it age appropriate. When a 3 year old asks where babies come from, tell them the truth. Tell them that a man and a woman can make babies by having sex, not that you can by them at a supermarket or that the stork does a delivery. You are lying!

Your child will believe what you have told them and when they find out the truth they will wonder why you lied and sex will take on an additional mantle of shame and guilt. There is a wonderful course you can do on how to talk to your children about sex in an age appropriate way. Let me know if you’d like the details. 

Lastly for this week, let’s get controversial questions out of the way. So here goes: is it okay to buy a sex toy for my teenage daughter? 

That depends on your daughter! Keeping in mind my attitude towards masturbation and getting your daughters to understand the difference between love and lust, my answer is yes, but...

The but is ensuring that she understands that men do not vibrate and nor are they able to hum for 40 minutes. You do not want to influence her sexual patterning but you do want her to be sexually confident about herself and sex toys. If I had a daughter she would most definitely have a cupboard full of toys. My recommendation is that toys for exploration and fun but let her use the hand for orgasm. 

I think it’s wonderful if you can have the kind of relationship with your daughter that you can think of getting her a toy, but first have the conversation about whether she want one or not and then bring her shopping. 

 As a great first time toy try Ammunition Bullet, Je Joue Mimi

If you have any questions or comments please email me sharon@lolamontez.co.za

Inexpensive date night ideas!

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Keeping Romance Alive - Week 17

Happy new year! 
Have you made your new year's resolutions? Broken them yet? 

If you are going to keep one thing going this year - let it be romance! And so we continue with our romantic tips. 

We live in a day and age where lives are busy and schedules are swamped.  The working day is also a little more versatile than it has been in days past, and people are working longer hours or irregular shifts.  

This can put a damper on your love life, but this should not discourage you from enjoying you and your partner no matter what time of day it is.  

Romance is not just for evenings anymore, and here we have a list of 25 things you can do during the day, or during the evening that will help ensure you make the most of every second with your lover.

Week 17

Festivals of any kind, food, jazz, wine, music, are always great inspirations for romance day or night.  Blow off some steam together!

Keeping Romance Alive - Week 8

Week 8

Fill your trunk with helium balloons that say “I Love You”. Ask your partner to go for a drive. When you get to a secluded country spot, ask him or her to go to the trunk and get your jacket for you. Release the balloons together.

Keeping Romance Alive - Week 5

We live in a day and age where lives are busy and schedules are swamped.  The working day is also a little more versatile than it has been in days past, and people are working longer hours or irregular shifts.  

This can put a damper on your love life, but this should not discourage you from enjoying you and your partner no matter what time of day it is.  

Romance is not just for evenings anymore, and here we have a list of 25 things you can do during the day, or during the evening that will help ensure you make the most of every second with your lover.

Week 5

Plant a tree together and make a ritual. After you have planted it, celebrate with a glass of champagne, right by your tree.  Do this every year on this anniversary.

Keeping Romance Alive Week 3

We live in a day and age where lives are busy and schedules are swamped.  The working day is also a little more versatile than it has been in days past, and people are working longer hours or irregular shifts.  

This can put a damper on your love life, but this should not discourage you from enjoying you and your partner no matter what time of day it is.  

Romance is not just for evenings anymore, and here we have a list of 25 things you can do during the day, or during the evening that will help ensure you make the most of every second with your lover.

Week 3

Lie in the grass and look at the clouds.  Be a kid again and find shapes in the clouds. The sexier the better!  You may want to find a secluded area so that this could lead to some outdoor fun!

Keep Romance Alive - Week 2

We live in a day and age where lives are busy and schedules are swamped.  The working day is also a little more versatile than it has been in days past, and people are working longer hours or irregular shifts.  

This can put a damper on your love life, but this should not discourage you from enjoying you and your partner no matter what time of day it is.  Romance is not just for evenings anymore, and here we have a list of 25 things you can do during the day, or during the evening that will help ensure you make the most of every second with your lover.

Week 2

Send your partner something during the workday.  Flowers are great, but think outside the box.  How about 11 real roses and one in the center that is artificial with a note that says “I will love you until the final rose fades.”

Romantic Date - Music Lovers

Music Lovers

To make an anniversary or special celebration even more memorable, enlist musician friends or hire a local musician to play for just the two of you over a home cooked meal. 

Compile a list a favourite tunes that are meaningful to you and get the musician to play them, Include a couple of slow tunes for a slow dance. 

Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great! Part 1

Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great!

Part 1

At Lola Montez we are often asked about not being able to orgasm. It’s important to know is that just because you aren’t having orgasms, and even if you’ve never had an orgasm, that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t have an orgasm.

There are many reasons why you may believe you can’t orgasm.

It’s worth pointing out that there are lots of great sexual acts that don’t involve orgasms. But if you’re goal is to orgasm, read on.

When we’re asked about not being able to orgasm, we start with asking the following questions:

·         Have you ever had an orgasm (this includes an orgasm from masturbation)?

·         Do you masturbate with any regularity?

·         Do you think you’d know an orgasm if you had one?

The first question is important because, particularly for women, many who have never had an orgasm simply need the right information, encouragement and permission.

If you’ve already had orgasms and now find you can’t orgasm, it’s probably not something as straightforward as knowing where to touch yourself and how. Not that one situation is more hopeful or hopeless than the other, they’re just different and the paths to orgasm may be different.

The masturbation question is important because if you aren’t having orgasms, it can be much easier to learn to orgasm through masturbation than through sex with a partner. If you aren’t comfortable with masturbation it can make the process a bit more difficult (though again, not impossible). But I would encourage you to get comfortable with your own body as this could be more than half your problem.

I recently attended a Brunch with Dr Ruth who openly spoke about the benefits of masturbation and understanding your orgasm.

 If you don’t know whether you’ve had an orgasm or not then chances are you haven’t – so keep reading.

The next step in helping you identify the reason you can’t orgasm. The best way to do this is start to think of the different parts involved in orgasm and see where the problem may be starting.  

• Is your libido in the toilet? If you don’t feel like having sex or you don’t enjoy having sex this may be part of the reason you do not orgasm.
• Do you want to have sex (the desire part) but find that once you start having sex you don’t get very turned on (the arousal part)?
• Do you want to have sex, get turned on, but find you can never quite make it over the top to have an orgasm (the actual orgasm part)?

Next, think about some of the more direct causes of not having an orgasm. Here is a list of some of the main reasons people have difficulty orgasm.

When Your Body Can’t Orgasm

Because orgasm is an event that involves so many systems in your body (neurological, anatomical, muscular, hormonal, respiratory, the list goes on) there may be physical reasons you aren’t having orgasms.

Reduced sensation as a result of paralysis, aging, or some medications, the indirect effects of chronic illness, some diseases, and physical effects of medications can all get in the way of orgasm so speak to your family doctor to either rule out, or discover, potential physical causes.

The good news is that there are very few purely physical causes of orgasm that can’t be worked around.

When Your Mind Can’t Orgasm

Many definitions of orgasms describe orgasm as equal parts mental and physical experience. So it makes sense that our mental state, both how we feel and how we think, can get in the way of our ability to orgasm.

In order to orgasm you need to be able to relax, focus, and concentrate enough to take in the pleasurable feelings. You may need some help from your fantasies for this one.

Health issues such as depression, anxiety, PTSD can all make it difficult to orgasm. Aside from these health labels, if you’re feeling very stressed out, very down about yourself, or generally “off” it can prevent you from experiencing orgasm.

When Your Relationship Can’t Orgasm

It’s not uncommon for someone to be able to orgasm during masturbation but have difficulty having and orgasm with a partner.

If you’re consistently able to have an orgasm when masturbating but never do with a partner, there may be one of few things getting in the way. The easiest one to fix is when the problem is one of sexual technique.

It also might be a problem in the relationship unrelated to sex with this particular partner.

While this isn’t necessarily the case, having an orgasm requires relaxation and trust, and if you’re in a relationship that doesn’t feel safe, or where there isn’t enough trust, orgasms may not come. This lack of trust may be unrelated to your current partner but rather a legacy from some other trauma including sexual or physical abuse.

Lastly, if you are having orgasms on your own but can’t with a partner it may be related to pressure or anxiety you’re feeling during sex with your partner.

How Medication Gets in the Way of Your Orgasms

Many different medications can get in the way of you having an orgasm. Medication can impact orgasm either through direct effects on your body or indirectly by making you feel more tired, reducing your ability to concentrate, or negatively affecting your mood.

If you can’t orgasm and you are taking any medication, check with the doctor who prescribes the medication.

How Sexual Technique Gets in the Way of Your Orgasms

The right sexual technique won’t guarantee an orgasm, but without it the chances of having one go way down.

Fortunately, the right sexual technique to achieve an orgasm isn’t rocket science. What’s needed is the right amount of stimulation, in the right area, and of the right kind.

Once you know how to give yourself an orgasm it’s just a question of taking that learning into your sexual relationship with a partner.

How Society Gets in the Way of Your Orgasms

This may be one of most subtle influences on your ability to orgasm but it can still have a powerful effect. Here are just a few of the ways that society and the culture around you influence your ability to experience orgasm:

·         Quality and amount of sex education you receive

·         Messages you were raised with and contend with today about your body

·         Values and beliefs about sexual health and sexual pleasure

·         Values and beliefs about sexuality and gender

The impact of being inundated by sex negative messages should not be ignored when considering why you may not be having orgasms.

This is particularly true for women who are routinely told that “good girls” aren’t sexual and that they must hide or be ashamed of their sexual desire and power.

Tomorrow in Part 2, I'll share some tips and techniques on how to get yourself to orgasm! 

Romantic Date - Make a Scene

Make a Scene

Together make a list of your all time favourite romantic films. 

What makes these films so memorable? Is it a particular scene? A line? A location? Or a look? 

Write the film's title and a brief summary of what makes it hot. Put these slips of paper in a hat and every Friday night or so, close your eyes and pull one out. 

Plan a date based on the film. For example: Amelie - you could go to a French restaurant and plot all sorts of charming and kind acts to perform anonymously.

Romantic Date - Love Fortress

Love Fortress

Remember how much fun it was to build a fort when you were a kid? 

Re-create this adventure together. 

Make a date in a tree house, cabin or playhouse. Caves are also romantic. Bring music, wine, and erotic literature to read to each other while you hide away from the rest of the world. 

For something more luxurious you can search online for listings of tree house rentals.