Star Man - David Bowie

Star Man provided sound track to my sexual journey.

 

It’s the New Year, a time for reflection, resolutions and renewal. It is also the month when many couples call it and march off to the divorce courts. If you are one of them take a breath, and if it’s still something you want to do then maybe you should.

‘I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring!’ - David Bowie (on his 50^th Birthday).

Bowie influenced my life in significant ways. His music and his chameleon style gave me all sorts of confidence so I am so saddened by his death. As I write this I have Sky News on in the background. They announced his passing earlier and are now covering the greatness and death of my Star Man. He is the genius who single handed defined my taste in music and men!

We all have those songs that take us back to those frothy adolescent moments when we believed that no-one in the entire universe could feel as much love as you. This was true love, deep, romantic, uncompromising and everlasting! Nobody could understand.

And then it broke your heart and every relationship thereafter has been tarnished and judged with those lessons. It is those lessons than mess with what may be happening in your life right now.

As we get older and fall in love again, begin and end relationships, I have no doubt that special songs play a part. We hear those songs now and get transported back. For me it is inevitably a Bowie song that is woven through the thread of my love life.

I remember playing ‘Sorrow’ and cutting my hair into Aladdin Sane spikes after being publically humiliated by a boyfriend who named his car after another girl. I have owned that album on Vinyl, cassette, CD and now iTunes. I must own about 18 of his albums including the latest ‘Blackstar’ released last Friday on Bowie’s 69^th Birthday. He died 2 days later. But what does this have to do with sex and relationships? For me – absolutely everything.

My first great love, (not the car idiot), the love by which all others have been judged, really introduced me to Bowie’s music. We were at university and I loved him from the minute I saw him. It took a couple of weeks to get a date after which we were inseparable for 3 years. He left university a year before me and I thought I’d die from longing. We remained close and now 30 years on we are both heartbroken at the death of a man who ruled our world. I am filled with ‘what if’s?’

I remember the mixed tape he made me with the obscure works I had never heard. He sang ‘The laughing gnome’ to me. I remember laughing at the song and his voice and I was happy. We were in love.

We experimented with sex, it was as vanilla as it could possibly get and many years later we would meet up in hotel rooms and play with sex in less vanilla ways. These experiences shaped and peaked my sexual curiosity and sent me on this journey I share with you. We were listening to Bowie.

I listened to Bowie when I said goodbye to him when he immigrated. I remember the album, it was Space Oddity. I wondered ‘Can you hear me Major Tom?’

After my divorce the very first act of independence and defiance was to fly to Australia to see Bowie perform live in Sydney. I played hard, danced on bars, lay on the beach topless and all the while listened to Bowie. I still have the T-Shirt.

I have also heard him perform in Melbourne and Birmingham; very special friends attending phoned me from the stadium and let me listen for a short while.

His music helped me discover my soul. I have loved, hated and longed listening to his music. He gave me permission to challenge perceptions and dare to be different. His death has made me reflect on the all the what if’s. If I’d tried harder, if I’d demanded more respect, if I’d tried to understand a little more, if I’d loved less, would it all have been different?

So before you call it quits and march off to the divorce court ask yourself whether you really have tried your best. Not in the quick fix kind of way because ‘This is not America’. If you have, then go ahead because as the great man once said, ‘The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.'

RIP my David Bowie, I will look for you in the stars.  

LCS - Question 48

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LCS - Question 47

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LCS - Question 46

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Some Myths Busted!

I am constantly gob smacked at what people will believe about sex. You can tell them anything and they will believe you if you say it with enough conviction. People just don’t think for themselves and will never question someone who they think knows more than them! 

Have I ever told you about the time I went off the reservation and had to be called off an ignorant bigot by my staff? We were at a wedding exhibition, exhibiting lingerie and bachelorette items.

I am always aware of my surroundings and know that as opposed to Sexpo children attend these shows, so I am very aware of what gets displayed. I make no excuse for what we sell but i do think that there is a time and a place. So the stand was tasteful, beautiful even. 

I was sitting on a chair slightly away from the stand when two women in their twenties walked past. One saw the stand and wanted to come over, the other grabbed her arm pulled her away and said, ‘Nee, Sies!’

Maybe I was just tired but something snapped and decided to call it. I asked her please to identify exactly what it was about the stand that she found so offensive. Was it the gorgeous silk gown? The pale blue corset or was it the date night box, massage oil, Bride to Be Sash or the book I have written called ‘The bride’s guide to Honeymoon Heaven? 

Her response was that of a coward. She didn’t mean it, she was only joking! And I had a sense of humour failure. I pointed out that by her actions she had not only shamed her friend, who could have been a potential client, but ten other people within earshot and I would really like to understand why. 

I was in her face and screaming, so she had to give me something and then it came out in all its bigoted glory. Sex is dirty, a sin, it’s not to be enjoyed. This she believed to be true. I asked where she got this information. 

She pulled herself up to her full height and announced that it was her religious belief. The comfortable go to when they think they know better than you. 

Unfortunately for her this is something I know a bit about so I asked her to refer me to the parts where in her Holy Book sex is sinful and forbidden. She admitted that she hadn’t actually read it herself but had been told and had never questioned, at which stage I was close to assaulting her. 

If she hadn’t read it, seen it with her own eyes, made her own deductions why would she just believe? I think I know some of the answer, because as children we are taught to obey authority without question. It’s the way of the world. It’s the way we control the masses. It’s so much easier to follow than to lead. It is the easiest way to perpetuate the myths. So let’s unpack a couple of my favourites. 

Let’s start with women shouldn’t or don’t enjoy sex and that if they do they are called every horrible name you can imagine. You know the ones men love to throw at us when they want to hurt. Bitch, slut, whore! 

Have you ever asked why? I have and have a number of theories but the one that stands out is that sexually empowered women are terrifying to both men and women who are less so. Somehow our power makes others feel insecure and worse about themselves. So let’s call them names that hurt. Shut them down, shame them and then we can feel better about ourselves, ‘Nee, sies!’

The next myth I would like to shatter is that you have to orgasm every time you have sex, otherwise what’s the point? Not only do you have to orgasm but that orgasm has got to be earth shattering. Really? Who has the energy?

Sex is so much more than an orgasm. It’s about intimacy, learning about your partner’s body and your own. It’s about learning your likes and dislikes, about giving and receiving pleasure. It’s a way to communicate and above all it’s about laughing. Think about it – there’s a lot of pushing and shoving and so few get it right. 

Which brings me to how we learn to have sex: Movies, both the porn and romance versions. Now for some ground breaking news, neither is real. Shocker, I know. Ever been successfully pinned up against a wall and had a mind blowing orgasm? Lies! Ever been able to maintain an erection all night long? Have you ever wondered how after a night of passion they get out of bed with coiffed hair and no lipstick smudge? It’s Hollywood Baby! Don’t believe it, it’s not real.

You may also believe that your friends are having way more sex than you. They know more about sex than you and will laugh at you if you ask. Myth! They probably know less than you and are thinking exactly the same thing about you!

So here is this week’s advise: If you don’t know, ask. If someone tries to shame you, call it. If someone tries to make you feel bad about yourself, your body, the fact that you enjoy sex, don’t enjoy sex or want to learn something new about sex, laugh and ask them exactly how they formed their opinion.

Ask for proof of the unsubstantiated myth. Most of what we think we know about sex is nonsense so please start educating yourself today! 

LCS - Question 45

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LCS -Question 44

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