The Month to let Cupid's Arrow Fly

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Don't rush it, sex is a precious gift!

 Continuing with last week’s theme I am going to talk about a couple of questions frequently asked by parents and children. The views expressed in this column are mine so take them from whence they come. 

This question gets asked more than any other when I am talking to children/teenagers about sex. I think the sex education children are subjected to in school and their peers is shocking. Sex is dealt with in terms of sperm and eggs, then they move into disease and rape!

The question most asked is: What does sex feel like? 

It’s a tricky question to answer because I don’t want to send them off to the toilets to try it out, but I’m also there to give honest answers. 

Sex is a beautiful thing when you are ready for it. Unfortunately peer pressure and the sexualisation of society makes us believe that if we are not having sex, there is something wrong with us. Nobody can decide whether you are ready to have sex except you! I believe you should wait if you’re not sure and then wait some more. 

Sex will be magical if you understand your own body. So my suggestion is that you should first understand your own body. Grab a mirror and look at the tools you have to work with. Then touch them, soft or hard, fast or slow, see feels good. Masturbate, bring yourself to orgasm. Feel the pleasure. 

Now understand that how your body has reacted is purely biological. It is meant to feel that way. Feeling that tingle when you’re in the movies with your girlfriend or boyfriend does not equate to love, it just means that your body is doing what it is meant to do. 

Do not be bullied into having sex to prove that you love him. If he loves you he should respect your boundaries and wait until you are ready. Think of sex as a precious gift, you wouldn’t want to give it just anyone, so rather wait and satisfy yourself. 

When you are ready, make it special. Don’t have sex somewhere unpleasant, like a public toilet or behind the shed. The first time will imprint your sexual journey forever, make sure it’s a great imprint. 

The next question is: When should I start talking to my children about sex?

When they are born!

Let me be more specific. Answer with the truth when they ask, but start at the beginning. Call body parts by their proper name. A vagina is a Vagina and a penis is a penis. You may be uncomfortable with the correct names or think it’s cute to call the ‘flowers’ or ‘willies’ or even worse ‘machine gun’!

The minute you call the genitals something else you cloak them in shame. They are just body parts. You don’t call fingers ‘feely wheelies’ or a nose a ‘smelly welly’ – so don’t undermine the genitals!

When you answer questions make it age appropriate. When a 3 year old asks where babies come from, tell them the truth. Tell them that a man and a woman can make babies by having sex, not that you can by them at a supermarket or that the stork does a delivery. You are lying!

Your child will believe what you have told them and when they find out the truth they will wonder why you lied and sex will take on an additional mantle of shame and guilt. There is a wonderful course you can do on how to talk to your children about sex in an age appropriate way. Let me know if you’d like the details. 

Lastly for this week, let’s get controversial questions out of the way. So here goes: is it okay to buy a sex toy for my teenage daughter? 

That depends on your daughter! Keeping in mind my attitude towards masturbation and getting your daughters to understand the difference between love and lust, my answer is yes, but...

The but is ensuring that she understands that men do not vibrate and nor are they able to hum for 40 minutes. You do not want to influence her sexual patterning but you do want her to be sexually confident about herself and sex toys. If I had a daughter she would most definitely have a cupboard full of toys. My recommendation is that toys for exploration and fun but let her use the hand for orgasm. 

I think it’s wonderful if you can have the kind of relationship with your daughter that you can think of getting her a toy, but first have the conversation about whether she want one or not and then bring her shopping. 

 As a great first time toy try Ammunition Bullet, Je Joue Mimi

If you have any questions or comments please email me sharon@lolamontez.co.za

So how do I know if I've had the BIG O

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Conversation Starters

And so we've come to the end of a year of Love Conversation Starters, #LCS, and I hope that they have revealed something you never knew about your partner and that your intimacy and relationship has improved

I haven’t been in a new relationship forever and I’m sure that one gets to ask these questions in the early stages. They are probably part of figuring out whether you are compatible or not.

I think the questions I remember were – what is your fantasy or your favorite colour! So when I came across this box called Love Conversation Starters I’ve been getting to know my partner either all over again or maybe for the first time.

Just a heads up – if your partner asks you one of these questions they probably want you to ask them as well.

So in the light of transparency I thought I'd share my answers with you. 

1                     My favourite love song is…

It has to be Elton John – Your Song. There is just something about the line – ‘This is your song!’ that gets me every time. And when it’s sung by Ellie Goulding I could weep.  

2                     I wouldn’t leave the house without …

In truth it’s probably is my mobile phone – but I’d like to be able to say Red Lipstick!

3                     If I saw a shooting star I would wish for …

World Peace? Continued health and happiness for me and mine? R60million? Mmm tough call.

4                     I fell madly in love with you because …

You loved me back.       

                                                                    

5                     My favourite time of the day is …

When I wake up pre-dawn, the house is quiet and the day is full of potential.

6                     Love letters are…

Kept in a box at the back of the closet and will be found by someone who won’t care when I die.

7                     Double dating is …

Safe, strange – who pays the bill?

8                     In three years I see us …

3 years older, the children will be gone and we will have to make new decisions. I'd like to be at the Grand Prix in the UK.

9                     If I could only take one thing to a deserted island it would be …

The Bible – It takes very long to read – has many debatable issues and so many pages if you need them – or sunscreen! And if I had a supply of batteries my favourite vibrator!

10                 The last dream I recall …

Hurt…

11                 The best pick-up line I have ever heard is …

The answer is what I really remembered!

‘What would you say to a little fuck?’

                ‘Hello little fuck!’

12                 The best gift I have ever received is …

Seeing Mobi in Barcelona.

13                 If I had one day spare each week I would…

Learn to play the cello.

14                 My favourite drink is …

What a question! Tequila!

15                 I would like to thank you for…

Putting up with my shit! And fixing my computers

16                 The first thing I would purchase if I won the lottery …

After I’ve paid off my debt? A new wardrobe – an Audi A7, a Louis Vuitton handbag and a trip to an Island.

17                 One thing I would like to improve in our relationship…

Let’s laugh more.

18                 My friends think you are …

Brave, very brave!

19                 My least favourite sport is …

One guess – Tennis! Can’t play it, don’t watch it – it’s just not rugby.

20                 On our next vacation – I would like us to …

Lie on a beach, eat mango, have morning, afternoon and evening sex and in between – read books.

21                 The best thing you have given me is …

An orgasm or three

22                 When we get old…

I hope we will keep falling in love with each other

23                 The Golden Rule of flirting is…

You want to see me turn into the Hulk! Flirt with me!

24                 The nickname I use for you is …

Stiff or Grumpy – depends on the day.

25                 Your most attractive feature is …

Your mouth, the dimple in your chin and parts I hope no one else can see.

26                 When I first met your friends I …

Knew you were a good man.

27                 The perfect weekend with you includes …

Morning Coffee, snuggles and a trip to the book shop.

28                 I’m so glad that we decided to …

Make a one night stand last till now.

29                 I love the taste of …

Your kisses and Skittles.

30                 The thing I love most about you is …

You always take my calls.

31                 The best time of my life …

Is still coming.

32                 I would describe my dream home as …

Very similar to a warehouse.

33                 I have never told you this, but …

I’ll tell you later.

34                 A piece of clothing that you look amazing in …

A Suit.

35                 Being a couple is good because …

We bear witness to each other’s lives

36                 I love the smell of …

 Comme de Garcon - Pallisander – and puppies

37                 Suggestions? Your own conversations - Email – info@lolamontez.co.za

Read Sharon's Blog

38                 The strangest date I’ve ever been on …

As a first date I went to a swingers club – Really.

39                 When I think about Valentine’s Day …

I wonder if I will ever make a fuss of me on Valentine’s Day.

40                 When we first started dating I …

I didn’t think it would last.

41                 I’ll never forget when …

We colored our pubic hair bright pink!

42                 Something that I have changed since meeting you …

I don’t think I’m as unemotional as I used to be.

43                 A famous person that you look like is …

Clive Owen.

44                 One thing that I admire about you …

Your brain.

45                 I love it when you say …

I’ll cook!

46                 A Romantic Date should consist of …

A foreign county -

47                 My advise to a friend that wants to find love is …

Stop looking and stop being so fussy.

48                 If I got a tattoo it would be …

I wouldn’t.

49                 One thing I have always wanted to ask you is …

I’ve asked everything I’ve wanted to know, even the deep and dark.

50                 If I had a ticket for one month in paradise I would go to …

Mauritius

51                 The most important thing to me about a relationship is …

Respect and trust

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