Romantic Date - Blind Date

Blind Date

Blindfold your partner and take them to a romantic restaurant or surprise cultural event. Keep the surprises going all evening. 

Arrange for the chef to come and say hello and deliver a special dessert. Get a special bottle of wine. Arrange for a backstage tour at the concert or theatre. 

If you want an extra private date - swop houses with a friend and serve an extra special home cooked meal. 

Romantic Date - Loving Lunches

Loving Lunches

If you can't have lunch with your partner in person, be there in spirit. 

Once a week or whenever they need a pick me up pack a special bag of lunch with their favourite food, a love note and an extra treat (sexy photo etc). 

Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great! Part 2

Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great!

Part 2

How to find your Orgasm?

So now we have identified some of the reasons you cannot orgasm we can try to help you along the path to great orgasms.

The medical complications are the easiest to deal with. A visit to your GP, tweaking your medication, sorting out hormone levels is relatively easy to do although many cannot talk to their doctor about the problems they are experiencing – it means you have to talk about sex!

We refer our clients to a sex positive GP we work with and if you want her number just give the Lola Montez Boutique a call on 0861 LOLAMO and we’ll refer you.

Sexual technique is another easy fix. We’ll talk to you about trying different positions, learning new foreplay techniques and how to communicate your needs to your partner.

Try watching Yoni or Lingam Massage DVD’s available in store or read the tips and techniques regularly shared on this blog.

It’s when we get to the mental issues that things get a bit more difficult to resolve. If issues are related to abuse, mental or physical we urge you to seek professional help and again we have several sexologists and therapists we can refer you to. We will also give you some sound solid advise and homework.

The homework starts with you coming to terms with your body. 

You need to start looking at yourself naked and while you’re at it have a really good look at your genitals. 

The easiest way to do this is to lie in an empty bath. Get your mirror and have a really good look at your vagina. Get your fingers involved. Find your clitoris and see how much it looks like a mini penis. Pull the hood back, check your inner and outer labia (the lips). You may need a bit of lube to make it more pleasurable. Try the Montez Play Water Based Lubricant. Check out your vagina entrance and if you’re brave enough insert your fingers and feel how wonderful, soft and velvety your vagina is.

If you are feeling too uncomfortable - stop. There is always later.

Repeat until you are completely comfortable with the process.

Then it’s time to move on – while your fingers are inside see if you can find your G-Spot and then find out what makes you feel good. Everyone’s body is different. Your special spot may be two fingers up and one finger over. If you know what feels good and where to find it you’ll know how to guide your partner.

Try to bring yourself to orgasm just using your hand. If you can great – keep practicing.

See which rhythms or pressures please you most. And then we recommend introducing a vibrator for extra pleasure. Try an Ammunition Bullet, Egg Vibrator or Lelo Nea.

If you still can’t find your orgasm bring out the big guns - The Fairy Wand.

This is a multi speed vibrator in the likeness of the Hitachi Wand. It is electrical so it never goes flat. We love the Fairy Wand for clitoral stimulation because it does not look like a penis but rather like a massager you can use on sore muscles.

This is important especially if you have preconceived ideas about vibrators. We love it more because its vibration is so strong that you needn’t put it anywhere near your genital area to receive extreme pleasure from it. 

And if at first you don’t succeed – just keep trying. But don’t chase the orgasm just enjoy the journey and the rest will follow. When you feel yourself starting to peak finish the orgasm with your hand because let’s face it – your partner is never going to vibrate.

Now you know what you are looking for – it’s time to introduce your partner to the party. We recommend using toys as a special treat. Show your partner what you’ve learnt and guide him. 

Use the vibrator to get you close to orgasm and then let your partner take you over – win – win!

Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great! Part 1

Orgasms – the good, the bad and the great!

Part 1

At Lola Montez we are often asked about not being able to orgasm. It’s important to know is that just because you aren’t having orgasms, and even if you’ve never had an orgasm, that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t have an orgasm.

There are many reasons why you may believe you can’t orgasm.

It’s worth pointing out that there are lots of great sexual acts that don’t involve orgasms. But if you’re goal is to orgasm, read on.

When we’re asked about not being able to orgasm, we start with asking the following questions:

·         Have you ever had an orgasm (this includes an orgasm from masturbation)?

·         Do you masturbate with any regularity?

·         Do you think you’d know an orgasm if you had one?

The first question is important because, particularly for women, many who have never had an orgasm simply need the right information, encouragement and permission.

If you’ve already had orgasms and now find you can’t orgasm, it’s probably not something as straightforward as knowing where to touch yourself and how. Not that one situation is more hopeful or hopeless than the other, they’re just different and the paths to orgasm may be different.

The masturbation question is important because if you aren’t having orgasms, it can be much easier to learn to orgasm through masturbation than through sex with a partner. If you aren’t comfortable with masturbation it can make the process a bit more difficult (though again, not impossible). But I would encourage you to get comfortable with your own body as this could be more than half your problem.

I recently attended a Brunch with Dr Ruth who openly spoke about the benefits of masturbation and understanding your orgasm.

 If you don’t know whether you’ve had an orgasm or not then chances are you haven’t – so keep reading.

The next step in helping you identify the reason you can’t orgasm. The best way to do this is start to think of the different parts involved in orgasm and see where the problem may be starting.  

• Is your libido in the toilet? If you don’t feel like having sex or you don’t enjoy having sex this may be part of the reason you do not orgasm.
• Do you want to have sex (the desire part) but find that once you start having sex you don’t get very turned on (the arousal part)?
• Do you want to have sex, get turned on, but find you can never quite make it over the top to have an orgasm (the actual orgasm part)?

Next, think about some of the more direct causes of not having an orgasm. Here is a list of some of the main reasons people have difficulty orgasm.

When Your Body Can’t Orgasm

Because orgasm is an event that involves so many systems in your body (neurological, anatomical, muscular, hormonal, respiratory, the list goes on) there may be physical reasons you aren’t having orgasms.

Reduced sensation as a result of paralysis, aging, or some medications, the indirect effects of chronic illness, some diseases, and physical effects of medications can all get in the way of orgasm so speak to your family doctor to either rule out, or discover, potential physical causes.

The good news is that there are very few purely physical causes of orgasm that can’t be worked around.

When Your Mind Can’t Orgasm

Many definitions of orgasms describe orgasm as equal parts mental and physical experience. So it makes sense that our mental state, both how we feel and how we think, can get in the way of our ability to orgasm.

In order to orgasm you need to be able to relax, focus, and concentrate enough to take in the pleasurable feelings. You may need some help from your fantasies for this one.

Health issues such as depression, anxiety, PTSD can all make it difficult to orgasm. Aside from these health labels, if you’re feeling very stressed out, very down about yourself, or generally “off” it can prevent you from experiencing orgasm.

When Your Relationship Can’t Orgasm

It’s not uncommon for someone to be able to orgasm during masturbation but have difficulty having and orgasm with a partner.

If you’re consistently able to have an orgasm when masturbating but never do with a partner, there may be one of few things getting in the way. The easiest one to fix is when the problem is one of sexual technique.

It also might be a problem in the relationship unrelated to sex with this particular partner.

While this isn’t necessarily the case, having an orgasm requires relaxation and trust, and if you’re in a relationship that doesn’t feel safe, or where there isn’t enough trust, orgasms may not come. This lack of trust may be unrelated to your current partner but rather a legacy from some other trauma including sexual or physical abuse.

Lastly, if you are having orgasms on your own but can’t with a partner it may be related to pressure or anxiety you’re feeling during sex with your partner.

How Medication Gets in the Way of Your Orgasms

Many different medications can get in the way of you having an orgasm. Medication can impact orgasm either through direct effects on your body or indirectly by making you feel more tired, reducing your ability to concentrate, or negatively affecting your mood.

If you can’t orgasm and you are taking any medication, check with the doctor who prescribes the medication.

How Sexual Technique Gets in the Way of Your Orgasms

The right sexual technique won’t guarantee an orgasm, but without it the chances of having one go way down.

Fortunately, the right sexual technique to achieve an orgasm isn’t rocket science. What’s needed is the right amount of stimulation, in the right area, and of the right kind.

Once you know how to give yourself an orgasm it’s just a question of taking that learning into your sexual relationship with a partner.

How Society Gets in the Way of Your Orgasms

This may be one of most subtle influences on your ability to orgasm but it can still have a powerful effect. Here are just a few of the ways that society and the culture around you influence your ability to experience orgasm:

·         Quality and amount of sex education you receive

·         Messages you were raised with and contend with today about your body

·         Values and beliefs about sexual health and sexual pleasure

·         Values and beliefs about sexuality and gender

The impact of being inundated by sex negative messages should not be ignored when considering why you may not be having orgasms.

This is particularly true for women who are routinely told that “good girls” aren’t sexual and that they must hide or be ashamed of their sexual desire and power.

Tomorrow in Part 2, I'll share some tips and techniques on how to get yourself to orgasm! 

Be sexy - Be safe - Condoms 101

Be sexy – Be safe!

It's easy to have sex safely without sacrificing a good time. 

Here are our tips for staying healthy while having fun:

General Guidelines:

• Use condoms for intercourse (vaginal and anal). We recommend adding a bit of flavour - try the LOVEGLOVE range. Each has a different personality, colour and flavour!
• Use a latex barrier during all types of oral sex. If you don't have access to a dental dam, try Glad Wrap!
• Use latex gloves or finger cots for hand or finger penetration of the vagina or anus. Your nails can contain all sorts of bacteria, not to mention hang nails that can cause damage to sensitive skin.
• Use condoms on sex toys used by more than one person for any type of penetration (change the condom for each person) or on toys that go from anus to vagina. 
• Use only water-based lubricants with latex products. Oil of any kind. Vaseline and hand lotion included, destroys latex. Try MONTEZ PLAY Water Based Lubricant. 
• Steer clear of so-called "water-soluble" lubes, which frequently contain oil. 
• Store Latex products in a cool, dry place.
• Never re-use latex products and avoid using them after the expiration date.
• If you have a latex allergy try the SKYN or Durex Avanti Condoms.

Condoms: 

• Use only latex or polyurethane condoms. Natural skin (lamb intestine) condoms are not effective barriers to viruses. 
• When putting condoms on, pinch the air from the reservoir tip and roll onto the penis or toy. (A trapped air bubble can cause the condom to break.) 
• Uncircumcised men should pull their foreskins back to help prevent the condom from slipping. 
• A drop of lube inside the tip of the condom can enhance sensation for the wearer.  The actual variation in condom size is slight, but features vary between brands, so experiment to see which you like best! 
• Most condoms are lubricated with either a wet, gel or a dry silicone powder. 
• Can't stand the taste of the Condom? Try a flavoured brand. Like LoveGlove.
• Add Lubricant when using a condom during intercourse to reduce friction and the chance of breakage.

And remember the golden rule: 

NO GLOVE - NO LOVE!

Romantic Date - Make a Scene

Make a Scene

Together make a list of your all time favourite romantic films. 

What makes these films so memorable? Is it a particular scene? A line? A location? Or a look? 

Write the film's title and a brief summary of what makes it hot. Put these slips of paper in a hat and every Friday night or so, close your eyes and pull one out. 

Plan a date based on the film. For example: Amelie - you could go to a French restaurant and plot all sorts of charming and kind acts to perform anonymously.

Romantic Date - Memory Lane

Memory Lane

Interview couples whom you admire who've been together a long time. 

Ask them about the early days of their courtship. What they did for fun, where they went or what songs were popular when they were dating. Invite them to double date with you. 

Look at old photos, ask them what they think the secret to happiness and a long lasting relationship. Compare notes on what you learnt from them. 

Where do you want to be when you're their age?